


Human to Human Connection

by WhydYouMakeHotNoodlesOnSuchAHotDay



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alligators & Crocodiles, Axe Body Spray, Beaches, Beatnik bullshit, Cheating, Coffee Shops, Comedy, Conversations With Inanimate Objects, Crepes, Current Events, Dolphins, Drag Queens, Dreams and Nightmares, Exhibitionism, Farce, Garzey's Wing, God Speed You Black Emperor, Guang Hong loves crepes, Hawaii, Hollywood, Humor, Klipspringers, Leo Hates Ukuleles, Leo has a motor-mouth, Leo loves music, Love Triangles, M/M, Manatees, Mohs scale, Murder, Museums, Music, Party, Performance Art, Play Fighting, Politics, Puppies, Quantum Mechanics, Recreational Drug Use, Robots, Roof Sex, Satire, Science, Science Fiction, Sheep, Shower Sex, Slow Burn, Smartass Leo, Soap Dispensers, Social Media, Social Media Expert Phichit Chulanont, This Is STUPID, Voyeurism, Why Did I Write This?, cake comma eating it, cake comma having it, deuterostomes, drama resolved in stupidest possible way, everyone is over 18, leading us on and on and on, mansions, politically-themed sexual innuendo, pop culture references in place of character development, probably the closest AO3 will have to Garzey's Wing fanfiction, puns, puppy vs alligator, smart speakers, thinly-veiled political satire, tone approaching that of an abridged series
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-29
Updated: 2019-03-24
Packaged: 2019-08-09 13:01:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 47,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16450439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhydYouMakeHotNoodlesOnSuchAHotDay/pseuds/WhydYouMakeHotNoodlesOnSuchAHotDay
Summary: Leo loves music, getting lost in Wikipedia wormholes, and the connection he has with Guang Hong, a connection which is buried under jokes.Guang Hong likes Leo, but Leo's teasing leaves him frustrated. Very frustrated.(This is basically 1/3 sitcom, 1/3 adventure, and 1/3 porn.)





	1. Long Hog

**Author's Note:**

> Maybe a different characterization of Leo than most people had in mind, but once it got in my head I couldn't not write it. It's also fun to tease Guang Hong.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guang Hong meets Leo after arriving back in America. Leo talks endlessly about art, music, and stuff, and shows Guang Hong his bizarre new skating routine, while Guang Hong likes looking at his face.

"Oh, hi, Leo, I haven't seen you since last year."

"Oh, hey, Guang Hong."

They hugged in front of the table at the dumplings restaurant they were at in Detroit. 

"There's nothing like a true human-to-human connection," said Leo, still hugging. They embraced in silence for five seconds or so. "I love, you know, banging chicks, but you can't get as close a connection with them since their breasts are in the way."

"Uh huh," said Guang Hong, confused as always. 

"You smell nice, though. I bet you have no problem getting girls. They must call you 'Long Hog'."

"Uh huh."

Leo kissed his neck.

"Huh?" Guang Hong giggled. 

Leo laughed and broke the hug. "Gotcha!" They sat down. "It's a shame that neither of us is gay. If I were gay, though, I bet I'd be plowing every twink from here to China. Yeah, sometimes I look at gay porn to keep tabs on the competition, but I don't think I have much to worry about."

Guang Hong was never quite sure when Leo was serious or not, or what the hell he meant. 

"I guess you could say I'm, like, gay, but for girls. Is that a thing? Anyway, so how's skating? And sorry about missing your 18th birthday party."

"Oh, it's no problem. As for skating, my coach and I have some ideas."

Guang Hong's previous performance based on the movie Shanghai Blade hadn't done so well. He thought about the suggestions his coach, Xiao Yi, tossed out to him:

 _Imagine you're a knight in shining armor!_ Guang Hong imagined he was fighting a rival kingdom, and at the last minute, Leo arrived on horseback with his army to save him. 

_Imagine you're in a cyberpunk dystopia!_ Guang Hong imagined he was an android and Leo was reprogramming him to rid his brain of 404 errors. 

_Imagine you're being, I don't know, chased by a moose!_ Guang Hong imagined Leo arrived to shoo the moose away with his American wiles. 

_Imagine it's raining men! Oh, I should find music for that._ Guang Hong imagined--

"Hey!" Leo waved at Guang Hong.

"Oh, um, we haven't decided on anything yet."

"Okay. Well, I guess you still have time. I've been thinking a lot about it. A lot about art in general, in fact. And human connection. How do I get as close as possible to my audience. Two people can get close. You just look into their eyes. The eyes are the windows to the soul. You have nice eyes, Guang Hong. Anyway, I want to show you something, get your input on something. Can you be at the rink tomorrow morning at 6am?"

"Okay."

* * *

Guang Hong waited by the rink wall near the rink entrance. He was getting impatient and wondering where Leo could be.

"Hey. Could you hold this box?"

Guang Hong turned and gasped. Leo was dressed in his skates.................and nothing else. He was holding a wooden box, which he handed to Guang Hong. 

"So what we are going to try is a work of performance art. In that box are a number of objects that you can use against me while I perform my routine. Of course, in the actual event I won't be nude. I will be wearing an ultra-thin layer of ultra-black body paint. The stuff costs a fortune, though, so I guess I'm practicing in the nude. Anyway, why don't you put that box on the floor and open it up."

Guang Hong put it down and opened it. His eyes bulged. The gun, of course, was the first item he noticed. Next to it was a whip, some caltrops, and a boomerang. Wait, were those firecrackers?

"I think I'll stick with the whip."

"You don't have to use any of the objects if you don't want to."

"Oh. Then I think I'll pass."

"Fair enough. Here's the remote for the music. Could you press play when I nod my head?"

"Okay." 

Leo entered the rink and skated to the center. He raised his arms above him, looked to Guang Hong, and nodded. Guang Hong pressed play and heard a loud screeching noise that startled him. He fumbled the remote, dropped it, picked it back up, and pressed stop. 

"What'd you do that for?!?" shouted Leo.

"I think something's wrong with the sound," yelled Guang Hong. 

"It's Metal Machine Music by Lou Reed. It's supposed to sound that way. Rewind and play it again."

"Okay." Guang Hong pressed play, and the music started again, which was a continuous stream of overlapping screeches and feedback. Leo skated as he normally did, except nude, until at one point he suddenly fell flat on the ice and slid on his back, then rolled onto his front while still sliding. He came to a stop, and just kept lying there, laying his head to the side with his eyes closed. Guang Hong wondered if he should run into the rink to see if something went wrong, and started to do so when Leo suddenly got up. Leo skated toward the rink entrance. 

"...And that move there, at the end, is when the paint would get rubbed off. It's cold as fuck, thought. You can shut off the music now. So, what did you think?"

"Um...I don't...I mean--"

"Remember what Allen Ginsberg said. 'First thought, best thought.'"

"Why are you naked?!?"

Leo rolled his eyes. "Philistine." He sighed. "Allow me to explain my process." He paused, staring off in the distance to gather his thoughts, during which Guang Hong glanced at his dick. "I want to expand the paradigm of skating. I believe that skating is stuck in a rut. The audience just sits there, and the figure skater twirls on the ice like any other figure skater. I read recently-- well, let me back up a bit. You know I love music, right?"

"Yes."

"I love music like I love making a human connection with someone like you. I'd hug you right now but I realize you might find that uncomfortable, seeing as how I'm naked."

"Uhh..."

"Anyway, you know how there are these songs that when you hear them, it gives you the chills, like the hair on the back of your neck is standing on edge?"

"Yes."

"Like God Only Knows by the Beach Boys, with those echoing woodblocks at the end. Or like with Radiohead, their song Let Down, which kind of tingles with melancholy, and then they're singing about jet planes and loneliness, which really got to me. I mean, that's basically us, just flying from place to place in a jet plane without establishing true roots."

"Uh huh."

"And then I heard about this band called God Speed! You Black Emperor, which is just...powerful. Majestic. Like if distortion were the concrete face of a mountain. Especially 'Sleep' off of Lift Your Skinny Fists Like Antennas To Heaven, that part that goes 'duh duh, duh duh, duh duh, duh duh, duh duh, duh duh, duh duh, duh duh, DUH DUH, DUH DUH, DUH DUH, DUH DUH.'"

"Uh huh."

"It makes you wish everyone could experience that love like you do. Have you ever taken LSD, Guang Hong?"

"Uh, no."

"Me neither. But when I was reading some blog post about psychoactive drugs, I came across this article about Michaelangelo (the artist, not the Ninja Turtle), which led to some conspiracy theory about the Smurfs and the KKK, which led me to the Velvet Underground and Lou Reed. I forget what the connections were. You know how you read Wikipedia and one thing will lead to another, which leads to another?"

"Uh huh." Guang Hong liked looking at Leo's face. 

"So Lou Reed, in addition to making the music you just heard--" _That was music?_ thought Guang Hong. "--was also involved in the arts scene along with the rest of the Velvet Underground. When most people think of art, they think of paintings, but there's this kind of art called 'performance art' which is aimed at challenging the boundary between artist and audience. There was this performance artist named Marina Abramovic-- have you heard of her?"

"Uh, no."

"She did this piece called Rhythm 0, where she just sat down and allowed the audience to use a selection of items against her as they wished. She had things like a rose, a whip, a gun with a bullet, you know, that sort of thing."

"Uh huh."

"The audience would cut her clothes, even cut *her*. One guy apparently even aimed the gun at her, but other audience members kept him from firing."

"Oh."

"Imagine if everyone in the audience here," Leo gestured at the seats around the rink, "had a loaded gun under their seat."

"That sounds crazy."

"Yeah, I bet that kind of thing wouldn't fly in China, but here, it's America, fuck yeah! I discussed doing a test run of this idea with the owner of the rink. He just walked away without saying a word. Probably needs time to think about it."

"Uh huh."

"Even if the audience participation thing doesn't work, I could try some kind of app instead. I didn't discuss the nudity with him, by the way. I purposely chose a kind of ultra-black paint they use for thermal camouflauge in the military, something made of carbon nanotubes that's being researched under a $20 million dollar grant from the Department of Commerce. You can just spray it on you, though it technically hasn't been tested for that purpose. Could be a carcinogen for all we know."

"Uh huh."

"Imagine how freaked out people are going to get to see a jet-black silhouette skating around on the ice. It'll be like a head floating on a shadow. I'm not painting my face black, by the way. That might be seen as racist."

"Uh huh."

"So...any thoughts? Questions?"

 _Is he on drugs?_ thought Guang Hong. _Am I?_ "Uh, no."

"Yeah, I still need to work the kinks out of this idea, but then again, that's what the practice is for. Could you watch me and give me pointers on my routine?"

"Uh, sure."

Leo returned to the ice while Guang Hong watched from the side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Essentially, I took Leo's love of music to its extreme. Of course he likes Still Alive, but he also likes Wolf Parade and Leonard Cohen and Godspeed You! Black Emperor and The Beatles and all sorts of shit. Music gives him chills down his spine, and it's almost a spiritual experience for him. So is connecting with someone, like he does with Guang Hong, though there's more of a romantic/sexual dimension than he's willing to admit. He uses bro-y humor and an overactive imagination as a defense mechanism, to the point where no one around him quite knows if he's telling the truth. He's bi, but he's never admitted it outside of a joke, in which case he's kinda admitted it constantly. Despite his artistic bent, he's a little afraid to identify as anything other than straight due, in part, to a rough time in high school. I am assuming he grew up and still practices in Detroit, and if anyone tries to correct me, they're wrong :p . 
> 
> Guang Hong seems and acts innocent, but he knows exactly what's going on. No, he doesn't catch every reference Leo makes, but he's aware that the way he acts is a little peculiar, his constant sexual jokes, etc., and he's 100% okay with it. He knows he's gay, but he's too timid to come out, and he's frustrated by not knowing whether or not Leo's attention is a sign of affection or just Leo making jokes.


	2. Gloria In Excelsis Leo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Leo moved his head down to Guang Hong's chest. Guang Hong tried to discretely keep his blanket from opening. "You know," said Leo, "back in high school they called me a fag, just because I was into figure skating and sucked a few dicks. Fuckin' psychos." Leo paused. "Your heart is beating pretty quick. You in love?"_
> 
> Guang Hong is staying in Leo's apartment, and there's sexual tension in the air as the two of them cross each others' boundaries.

The next morning, Guang Hong awoke on Leo's couch. (He had been staying over in his apartment for the past couple of days.) He stretched out in his pajamas, and got up and walked to the bathroom. On his way there he noticed that the door to Leo's bedroom was cracked open, just a little. There are a couple of things to know about Leo's bedroom door. First, due to humidity, the door was warped and had issues shutting properly. Second, it was painted in an ultra-black paint, doorknob and all, a paint so black it made details practically invisible, which made judging depth difficult. Standing in front of Leo's door was like literally standing in front of empty space.

Guang Hong took a closer look through the opening, and was surprised to see Leo in nothing but his headphones, his eyes closed, and his hand smothering his rock-hard dick. He was being pretty active, feeling his chest with his right hand, and jerking off with his left while he thrusted upward and arched his back. He smiled, and seemed to be mouthing "oh yeah". Guang Hong was now at full mast, and, okay, he was kind of squeezing it as he watched Leo. Leo brought his jerking hand to his face and licked it to lubricate it, then continued jerking off. Guang Hong couldn't see all of him at once, and decided to try to nudge the door open, just a little. However, he miscalculated depth and jabbed his hand at the door, leading it to fly open. Guang Hong froze. Leo didn't immediately notice, given that his eyes were closed, and he just kept jerking off. Guang Hong just stood there. A couple seconds later, Leo opened his eyes, saw Guang Hong just standing there, and scrambled to put on his boxers, in the process yanking his phone to the floor since it was connected to his headphones, and knocking over his acoustic guitar. 

"Sorry!" Guang Hong said and bolted. 

Guang Hong quickly walked away from Leo's room and into the bathroom. His heart still pounding, he turned on the shower, took off his clothes, and entered it. He paused for a little bit. The warm water on his back calmed his nerves. He turned around so his back was to the wall. He closed his eyes and imagined helping Leo out, maybe with his mouth, or crawling on top and using his ass.... Guang Hong jerked off vigorously and came quickly. 

Things were a bit awkward afterward. Guang Hong and Leo ate their breakfasts and said nothing. Finally, Leo spoke.

"I have *got* to get that door fixed," said Leo. "The privacy situation is not exactly ideal. Of course, I live by myself most of the time. It doesn’t matter if a girl and I fuck with the door open. Not that I’m that shy about it. We could fuck with people watching us for all I care, but most girls aren’t into that kind of thing." Leo stared into the hole of the other half of the bagel he was eating. "Fuck, I am horny right now. You know, Guang Hong, it’d be pretty funny if I let you watch, or even just let you stay underneath the bed while we were doing it, you know, just to listen." He stared off into space. "It’d be pretty meditative. You know, most girls would be freaked out by this kinky ass shit, but I feel like I can talk to you about anything."

Guang Hong just sort of smiled and nodded, and ate his cereal.

"Hey, Guang Hong," said Leo. He brought the bagel up to his mouth, vertically with the cream cheese side out, and started rimming the bagel hole. Guang Hong giggled. Leo scooped a bit of cream cheese back through the hole with his tongue, and ate it. "You know what else would be funny? If I sucked you off, you came in my mouth, and then I went down on a girl and made her pregnant with your cum."

Guang Hong smiled and nodded. Leo took a bite of the bagel.

"Let’s stop by Starbucks. I could use some caffeine. You know, I just remembered I read recently that John Legend and Paul McCartney actually jacked off together. No, wait, I mean Lennon. Can you imagine John Legend and Paul McCartney polishing the weasels together?"

"Starbucks would be good."

"Right. I’ll be finished in just a sec." Leo took another bite. "You sleep okay? Sorry that the couch isn’t exactly ideal. I did read about this concept recently called 'FloorBed', where you just put a bunch of blankets on the floor. I think they were overselling it, though, and we do sometimes have an issue with cockroaches."

"I like Starbucks."

"Yeah, they’re okay." Leo took another bite. "You know, it’s funny, We’re supposedly this technologically advanced civilization, and yet our paint technology is only recently catching up to what Wile E. Coyote had, where he tried to trick the Road Runner into running into a tunnel just because he put black paint on a wall. I guess he didn’t succeed, though. Nowadays, though, we have this ultra-black carbon nanotube concoction. It’s so dark that I bump into my bedroom door all the time, and I noticed that you did too. What did you want, you perv?" Leo smiled.

"Uh, I forget."

"Well, the bathroom is one door over. I mean, you’ve been here two days now, you should know that. Of course, I forget things all the time." Leo finished the bagel and paused, thinking. "Oh, right, Starbucks. I’ll go get my shoes on. I should call Candice. Have you met her? She's the black girl, about my height?"

"Not yet."

"We have sort of a casual thing going on. I met her at a poetry slam. You'd like her." 

* * *

That evening, Guang Hong was sitting on the couch, a little depressed, surfing social media, and hearing the sex sounds coming from Leo and Candice in Leo's bedroom, which were loud enough to be heard over the bebop jazz music Leo was playing. Guang Hong loved being the center of Leo's attention, even as he grew frustrated with Leo's constant joking. And while cute cat photos were nice-- someone had posted a photo of a meowing cat next to a sign saying they've been fed and to ignore their "bullshit" that Leo laughed at --just feet away, behind that ultra-black door that looked like a void, was Leo being his full sexual self with... someone else, a coexistence that was much more compelling than knowing someone "liked" the same cat photo you did. And, okay, Guang Hong was hard, though that wasn't unusual, especially around Leo. Guang Hong had only been here a couple of days, and he was staying in America for a month, and he was wondering how he was going to be able to stand it.

About an hour later, Guang Hong was playing some puzzle game on his phone where you move fruit into baskets, when Leo and Candice exited their room. 

"Hey, Guang Hong. We were discussing this thing we wanted to try."

Guang Hong sat up quickly.

"It's this kind of meditative stream-of-consciousness thing. Actually, I heard it on a Sonic Youth album. You want to try it?"

Guang Hong was disappointed but curious. "Sure."

They walked into Leo's bedroom, where he and Candice had set up a number of candles on the floor, as well as burning incense. "I'm going to switch to something more meditative," said Leo, who then put on some Indian classical music with sitar, and kept the volume low. "Guang Hong, why don't you sit here, Candice, you sit over there, and I'll sit here." They sat down. "So the idea is pretty simple. I'll start off, and say a word. Then Candice will say the very next word that comes to mind, you know, stream-of-consciousness. Then Guang Hong will say the next word which comes to his mind, and then I'll go. Do you understand, Guang Hong?"

"I'm... sure I'll figure it out," said Guang Hong. 

"Alright," said Leo. "I'll start. Banana."

"Stupid," said Candice.

"Oh, come on, Candice."

"I'm just saying what came to mind." She turned to Guang Hong. "Guangong, I think you're name was?"

"Guang Hong," said Leo.

"Guang Hong," said Candice. "Your turn. My word was 'stupid'."

"Okay," said Guang Hong. "Uh, 'Leo'."

Leo glared at Guang Hong. "Handsome."

Candice: "Big."

Guang Hong: "Small."

Leo: "Mouse."

Candice: "Bunny."

Guang Hong: "Lettuce."

Leo: "Salad."

Candice: "Green."

Guang Hong: "Grass."

Leo: "Empty."

Candice: "Door."

Guang Hong: "Knock."

Leo looked at Guang Hong. "Yes."

Candice: "No."

Guang Hong: "Sorry."

Leo again looked at Guang Hong. "Okay."

Candice: "Oklahoma."

Guang Hong: "Distance."

Leo: "Welcome."

Candice: "Mat."

Guang Hong: "Me."

Leo: "Piss."

Candice looked at Leo, then said: "What?" Leo shrugged. 

Guang Hong: "Leopards."

Leo: "Raw."

Candice: "Us." Leo and Candice giggled. 

Guang Hong: "Tomatoes."

Leo: "Salad."

Candice: "Normal."

Guang Hong: "Day."

Leo: "Upsilon."

Candice: "Pretentious."

Guang Hong: "Big."

Leo: "Me."

Candice rolled her eyes. "Grand canyon."

Guang Hong: "Travel."

Leo: "Space."

Candice: "Neptune."

Guang Hong: "Photos."

Leo: "Us." 

Candice glared at him. "Careful."

Guang Hong: "Confused."

Leo: "Never mind."

Candice sighed. "Flowers."

Guang Hong: "Rose."

Leo: "Thorns."

Candice: "Horns."

Guang Hong: "Animals."

Leo: "Scent."

Candice: "Scratching."

As Guang Hong spoke, Candice reached over to Leo to scratch his arm. They then embraced in a kiss. "Uh, itch." He was ignored as Candice and Leo made out. Guang Hong just sat there. 

"Uh, sorry, Guang Hong," said Leo. "I guess the game is over."

Guang Hong nodded and stood up and walked out of the room, silent but bitter. 

"Ooh! Gloria in excelsis Leo!" said Candice as Leo pecked at her neck.

* * *

It was around midnight now, and Guang Hong felt it was as good a time as any to get to sleep. He went to the bathroom and changed into his pajamas, then set up a blanket on the couch, turned out the apartment lights, and went to sleep. Or at least he tried. He could hear Leo's bed squeaking, and their giggling, and he was jealous, but also really, really horny. Under his blanket, he stripped down to his boxers, then took those off as well. He idly squeezed himself, without a plan to clean himself up if he came. It was dark, so the blanket slid down to his thighs.

Ten or twenty minutes later, he heard Leo exit his room. It was so dark he couldn't see him. Guang Hong quickly covered himself with his blanket, but couldn't find his boxers, which must've gotten wedged in between the seat cushions.

"Hey, Guang Hong," Leo said, quietly. 

"What?" Guang Hong said. 

"Sorry if you felt excluded. I really do feel a connection with you, and I don't want you to forget that. Can I sit down? Are you asleep?"

"No, I'm fine." Guang Hong sat up near the middle of the couch, wrapping his blanket like a robe and being careful to cover his lower torso. Leo sat to his right. Guang Hong noticed he was in his boxers. Leo wrapped his arm around Guang Hong and leaned his head on Guang Hong's shoulder. 

"Can I listen to your heartbeat?" said Leo.

"Okay," said Guang Hong. 

Leo moved his head down to Guang Hong's chest. Guang Hong tried to discretely keep his blanket from opening. "You know," said Leo, "back in high school they called me a fag, just because I was into figure skating and sucked a few dicks. Fuckin' psychos." Leo paused. "Your heart is beating pretty quick. You in love?"

Guang Hong giggled. "No, just can't get to sleep, I guess." 

"Can I hug you?" Leo said, then lifted his head and leaned in for a hug. 

"Oh, um," said Guang Hong, and leaned to meet Leo's hug, at which point his blanket opened and exposed his dick. Guang Hong quickly moved back and re-wrapped himself in the blanket. 

Leo paused. "Are you naked?" teased Leo. He leaned his head on Guang Hong's shoulder. "Perv. I always knew you were a perv. Just the way that you would stare at me when we'd play Cards Against Humanity, and I had some card that said something like 'I am ashamed to admit I've traded sexual favors for "blank"', and there were several funny answers, but you laughed at the *setup* like it was the funniest thing in the world, and you saw my eyes and I saw yours and we made a connection that day." Leo paused. "You know what would be really funny? If we made out in front of Candice. But I think she's fast asleep. Maybe tomorrow. Anyway, I should go to bed." Leo stood up. "Good night." He returned to his bedroom. 

By now, Guang Hong was getting tired, so he went to sleep as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What kind of kinky-ass shit did I write?


	3. The Kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guang Hong has never so much as kissed anyone, and he's being teased by his own mind and by Leo. He finds a new outlet at a kind of karaoke night hosted by a band Leo's friends are in.

Everything was dark, pitch black, as if Leo had applied his ultra-black paint to every surface in the apartment. Guang Hong sat up. _Am I still naked?_ he thought. He could've sworn he had put his boxers back on before he slept. 

Guang Hong figured he should take a shower, so he slowly stood up, at full mast apparently, and walked like a ghost across the floor, feeling his way along the wall, a little excited when he passed Leo's door, but moving past it to the bathroom. He pushed the door open. Everything was still pitch black, but he could hear that the shower was already on, for some reason, and he could feel the humidity of the warm water as he entered the bathroom. "Hello?" he asked, with no reply. He walked toward the shower, then stepped inside and found that it was empty. The warm water on his back calmed him.

"Hey, Guang Hong," said Leo from the doorway, surprising Guang Hong. "I know what you want." Guang Hong stood still and heard Leo pull back the curtain and climb into the shower behind him. He felt Leo's arms wrap around his midsection. He felt Leo hug from behind, and his cock pressed up against Guang Hong's lower back. 

Guang Hong was absolutely loving this. He wanted it to go on forever, but he also wanted to ratchet things up. He turned around in Leo's embrace, and they hugged and pressed their bodies against each other front-to-front. Guang Hong leaned in for a kiss, but was somehow unable to find Leo's head in the darkness, and he felt a little sad. He tried kissing his neck, but it too seemed hard to find. Guang Hong had never kissed anyone before, and he tried his best to will a kiss into existence to no avail. Then he decided to speak. "Fuck me, Leo."

"Oh, yeah?" said Leo sexily. 

"Fuck me, Leo. Fuck me. Put your dick up my ass. Leo, please fuck me. I want you to put your dick in my ass. Fuck me, Leo. Fu---"

And then Guang Hong woke up.

* * *

It was mid-morning and Guang Hong, Leo, and Candice were sitting on the couch watching some cooking show on Netflix on Leo's laptop. 

"So," said Leo, "apparently my original idea isn't going to work. My coach says that the routine needs to be more practical, that some of the ideas, like having a loaded gun under every seat, would violate the rules and also, you know, the law."

"Shocking," said Candice.

"The ultra-black body paint thing might be doable, but not as body paint, I guess, again, there are rules I'd have to follow if I actually wanted to be able to win this thing. So I'm thinking of different things I could try. I want it to be transgressive, though, something that would shock people without actually stopping me from competing."

"You could kiss me," blurted out Guang Hong. 

"Snkrlt!" said Leo as he burst out laughing. "Okay, so let me get this straight, so to speak. I'm doing this routine, and suddenly you appear on the ice, and then I swoop you like I'm Prince Charming and you're Sleeping Beauty."

"Can you demonstrate?" asked Candice.

"Okay," Leo shrugged. He and Guang Hong stood up, and Leo swooped Guang Hong, holding him up by his back. "Mon ami," Leo said to Guang Hong. Leo leaned in for a kiss, and Guang Hong closed his eyes in anticipation. But nothing happened. Guang Hong opened his eyes. "Hey," said Leo, waving his hand in front of Guang Hong's face. "If I didn't know any better," laughed Leo, "I'd say you were into it. I think you're more of a top, though. Anyway," Leo said, helping Guang Hong stand back up, "Yuri Katsuki and Victor Nikiforov kinda already did that. Pretty impressive, actually. Victor just jumped out at Yuri and kissed him. I'm surprised they didn't bash teeth or something."

"Are they a couple?" asked Candice. 

Leo and Guang Hong sat back down on the couch. "It's not official, or anything," said Leo, "but as you know, I have a pretty fine-tuned gaydar. Yuri Katsuki, definitely gay. Victor is probably bi. And yeah, I think they're a couple."

"You mentioned before," said Candice, "about how gaydar is like radar, and you need to send out signals to get signals, or something like that?"

"Yeah, that's usually how it goes, though sometimes people are emitters of, you know, gaydio waves."

"So usually you have to flirt with them."

"Well, yeah, I guess so."

"How's flirting with guys different with flirting with girls?"

"I don't know, I guess you act tougher? I mean, it's not like I have a 10-point plan or anything, it's just instinct."

"Flirt with Guang Hong," said Candice. 

"Okay," said Leo. Leo turned to Guang Hong. "Hey," he said, deeply. He glanced down at Guang Hong's crotch, and looked back up into his eyes, making Guang Hong a little nervous but in a good way. "I bet you got a nice big anaconda in your pants for me." Leo ever-so-smoothly leaned back and put his arm around Guang Hong's shoulders. "You come to this couch often?"

"Yes," said Guang Hong, trying to be sexy. He brought his arm up and over Leo. He looked into Leo's eyes, and Leo looked into his. Guang Hong's heart was beating really fast. Leo leaned in slightly. Guang Hong leaned in for a kiss and closed his eyes. 

"Whoa!" laughed Leo, putting his hand on Guang Hong's chest to keep him from moving forward. "That's good enough." Guang Hong lost his balance and awkwardly braced himself on one of Leo's legs before sitting back on the couch. "I guess it worked," said Leo. "I didn't even have to take off my shirt."

"Indeed," said Candice. 

 

* * *

That evening, they went to a little bar where they had sort of a karaoke thing but with a live band that Leo's friends were in. The bar had room for maybe twenty people, and had black paint on the walls with paintings of various musicians. Leo was standing in front of a sign-up sheet with Guang Hong and Candice. 

"Hmm," said Leo. "Do I do Still Alive by Umebayashi Taro, Kiss From A Rose by Seal, or I Cum Blood by Cannibal Corpse?"

"Leo, for fuck's sake," said Candice. "Just pick one of the normal ones."

"Guang Hong, you like Green Day, right?" said Leo. "You should do something by them."

"Okay," said Guang Hong. 

"You doing anything?" Leo asked Candice.

"No, you go ahead," said Candice. 

Greg, a tall skinny blond white guy who was the bassist in the band, walked up. "Hey, Leo. You guys decided?"

"Can you play Kiss From A Rose?" asked Leo.

"Can you sing it?"

"No."

Greg shrugged. "Alright." Greg looked at Guang Hong and smiled, his eyes lingering over his body before meeting his eyes. "Are you doing a song?"

"Yes," said Guang Hong. 

"I recommended he do something by Green Day," said Leo. "Oh, I should introduce you two. This is Guang Hong, he's from China, a good friend of mine, and he's also a pretty big figure skater."

"Really!" said Greg.

"Yep. He could probably get any piece of ass that he wanted." Leo turned to Guang Hong. "Guang Hong, this is Greg, he's the bassist in this band, I was in a band with him in high school. Is your boyfriend still in that band?" Leo asked Greg.

"We broke up. And they broke up."

"Oh. Well, that's too bad."

"It's fine." Greg sighed. "Anyway, I got to help set things up. See ya."

"See ya," said Leo. 

"Hey, Candice," Greg said before walking away.

"Hey," said Candice. 

Leo finished picking his song, followed by Guang Hong, and some other people. Finally, the band started, and Leo was up first. 

"There, used to be a greying tower, alone on the sea, _You_ became..." Leo sang, not quite able to reach the high note on the word "you" but trying valiantly nonetheless. Candice sat in the audience and winced. Everyone else laughed. Leo tried his best... and failed spectacularly, and soon enough, it was Guang Hong's turn. 

Guang Hong walked up the steps to the left of the stage and walked toward the mike set up in the middle. He faced the crowd. There was a music stand with a tablet with lyrics to "Longview" by Green Day, the song he chose. Guang Hong had no experience at all with singing on stage, and he was a little bit terrified. But he remembered time he spent with Leo a couple of years earlier, and Leo was playing a song on his acoustic guitar and invited Guang Hong to sing while he played. Leo constantly teased Guang Hong about all kinds of stuff, but with singing he was calm and understanding. He taught Guang Hong to sing as if he were trying to hear his own voice reverberating off of the walls. Leo praised Guang Hong and told him he'd really get the girls with his voice if he kept practicing. 

"Here's some water," said Leo, as he handed Guang Hong an open water bottle. 

"Thanks," Guang Hong said, betraying the nervousness of his voice.

"You'll do fine," said Leo. He slapped Guang Hong's shoulders and walked off stage. 

Guang Hong was surrounded by Greg with his bass on his left, the guitarist on his right, and a drummer behind him. He stood still as people kept setting things up. 

"Could you say something into the mike?" said the sound guy in the back of the bar. 

"Uh, 'testing', 'testing'." 

Some giggling came from the audience. "How 'bout 'check', 'check'?"

"Okay. 'Check', 'check'."

Soon enough, Greg spoke. "You ready to go?"

"Okay," Guang Hong said nervously. 

The band started playing "Longview" by Green Day, with its distinctive shuffle beat and bass line. Guang Hong started nervously, "I sit around and watch the tube, but nothing's on", and continued nervously, keeping an eye on the lyrics though he knew most of it by heart, but he really let his energy out on the choruses, "Bite my lips and close my eyes! Take me away to paradise!" He had fun singing things he'd never say in real life, like "When masturbation's lost its fun, you're fucking lazy". He got into it, nodding his head to the beat when he wasn't singing. And then the song was over, and people clapped, and Guang Hong breathed a huge sigh of relief. He wanted to see the expression on Leo's face, but the stage lights were distractingly bright and he couldn't find him, so he just walked off stage, and then outside to get some fresh air. The band took a little break, and Greg followed Guang Hong outside.

"Hey," said Greg.

"Oh, hey," said Guang Hong.

"That was so fucking hot," said Greg. "I was wondering, are you-- are you single?"

"Uh, yes."

"Wanna make out?"

Guang Hong's eyes bulged. "Okay." Greg leaned in toward Guang Hong, who had his back to the brick wall in front of the bar. Greg pressed his lips to Guang Hong's, and poked his tongue inside. Guang Hong felt overwhelmed, and wasn't really expecting how horny the touch of Greg's tongue on his made him feel. Guang Hong wondered how people managed to kiss in public without walking around with erections. 

"Dude, you can put your hands on me," said Greg, as he took Guang Hong's arms and wrapped them around him. Greg then continued kissing Guang Hong, and Guang Hong was more active now, experimenting with pushing back a little with his head, or bringing his hands to the back of Greg's head. Greg moaned. 

While still making out, Guang Hong looked to his left, and saw Leo standing there, hands in pockets, eyebrows raised and lips pursed. Guang Hong maintained eye contact. Leo turned and walked back inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Serves Leo right for being such a tease.


	4. Roar for me, Leo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To Guang Hong, Leo was constantly an oasis off in the distance, possibly a mirage, but once he's found another source of water you can't expect him not to drink it, perhaps whilst flaunting it in front of the first oasis.

The next morning, Guang Hong, who was too energized to have slept well, walked to the bathroom in his pajamas, and saw Leo standing in front of the mirror holding a plastic chopstick lodged into the side of his eye. Guang Hong gasped. 

"Hi, Guang Hong," said Leo while still facing the mirror. "Don't be alarmed. I'm just doing what Isaac Newton did, trying to see what new colors are possible by applying pressure to the side of my eye with this chopstick-- please do not crack your knuckles, Guang Hong."

"Sorry."

"That's okay. It just freaks me out a little to hear a cracking sound while I'm doing this. I'll be out in a minute."

"Okay." Guang Hong exited the bathroom, and heard a knocking at the door. Guang Hong checked the peephole, and saw Greg standing there outside. He opened the door. 

"Oh, Guang Hong!" said Greg. "Hey, I was just trying to find you."

"Hey, Greg," said Guang Hong. He smiled. 

"Hey. It's too bad we didn't have more time to get to know each other. You free now?"

"I just woke up. I still need to shower and brush my teeth."

"That's fine. I can wait. Is Leo here?"

"Yeah, he's in the bathroom."

"Can I come inside?"

"Yeah, sure."

Greg walked inside. He turned and looked at Leo's ultra-black bedroom door. "I had forgotten how awesome that is, that it's so pitch black. You can't even see the doorknob unless you're really at an angle."

Leo walked out of the bathroom. He saw Greg and stopped. "Oh, hey Greg."

"Hey, Leo," said Greg. "Are you okay? Your eye look really red."

"Oh, I had something in my eye. No big deal, it'll be fine. So... I'm guessing you're here for Guang Hong?"

"Uh, I guess I am. Thought that maybe we'd hang out or something." 

Guang Hong stood there, a little awkward. 

"We could watch something from Netflix," said Leo. 

"Uh, okay," said Greg. "Guang Hong, where's your room?"

"I'm staying on the couch," said Guang Hong. 

"Oh," said Greg. "I guess I was wondering if we could have some privacy."

"Yeah, sorry," said Leo. "I don't have a ton of space here. It's kind of a small apartment."

Guang Hong went to take a shower and change into his clothes. When he returned, Leo, Greg, and Candice were sitting on the couch watching some nature documentary on Netflix about hummingbirds. Guang Hong saw that most of the couch was used up, with Greg on the left, Leo sitting somewhat close to him, and Candice with room to spread out on the right. 

"You can sit next to Candice," said Leo.

"Or you can sit on my lap," said Greg. 

"But then you won't be able to see anything," said Leo.

"That's fine. Let's try it."

Guang Hong obediently sat on his lap, which proved physically awkward. 

"Could you scooch over?" Greg asked Leo. Leo paused a couple of seconds, then said, "Okay." Leo moved, Greg moved into the open spot, and Guang Hong took the end, placing Greg between Guang Hong and Leo. 

They watched the hummingbird documentary in silence. Did you know that the ruby-throated hummingbird can cross 500 miles on a single flight? Anyway, Greg was squeezing Guang Hong's upper thigh, and Leo was noticing that Greg was doing that. So was Candice, and she nudged Leo's arm. "Leo, why don't you show me that thing you were going to show me? In your room? That would take at least an hour?"

Leo sighed. "Okay." Leo and Candice walked to Leo's bedroom, leaving Guang Hong and Greg on the couch.

* * *

In Leo's bedroom, Candice laid on Leo's bed and smiled. "Leo, why don't you put on some Leonard Cohen, something to put us in the mood. 

Leo walked over to his laptop, set up to his speakers, and put on "The Future" by Leonard Cohen. He went to his bed, then stood up quickly. "I just remembered, I have this on vinyl."

"Wouldn't it basically sound the same as the files on your computer?"

"No, it wouldn't! When you digitize music, you inevitably introduce a loss in quality, to say nothing of--"

"Alright, alright, fine, just put on the record."

Leo started playing the record, and returned to his bed to make out with Candice. The eponymous first song on the record played:

 _I want crack and anal sex_  
_Take the only tree that's left_  
_And shove it up the hole_  
_In your culture_

Candice giggled and broke the kiss. "What is this song? Couldn't you have found anything more... mood-appropriate?"

"This is my mood," said Leo. 

Candice pursed her lips, cocked her head, and squinted her eyes at him.

"By which I mean, I'm thinking of Guang Hong."

"What."

"By which I mean, I'm feeling a little gloomy about things in general, similar to the tone of this song. I mean, how did things with Guang Hong end up like this? I don't know. I mean, apparently, Guang Hong's attracted to guys."

"Do you have a problem with that?"

"No, of course not, but I thought we had a special connection, but now Greg's got his hands all over him."

Candice tried to speak, but Leo continued. 

"I can't compete with that. And also, I don't see what he sees in Greg. Greg's... bony, and kinda pale. And he's a fucking bassist. He's boring, he basically has no inner life. He's one of life's non-player characters." Leo paused. "You know, I just realized this last night, but Guang Hong probably had the hots for me, or still does. It would explain a lot. The way he giggles when he looks at me, or when he, well, last night, when I saw him making out with Greg outside of that bar, he looked at me pretty much the whole time, as if he were daring me or something."

"You know," said Candice, "I don't know if you were intentially doing this, but you were kinda leading him on, saying he had a nice ass and a big dick," she laughed, "and you hugged him pretty often too. Just wondering, and don't take this the wrong way, but... do you identify as completely straight? It's not a problem if you don't."

Leo paused. "Whenever I am not banging chicks, I am a total *whore* for the cock. Can *not* get enough of it. Especially Guang Hong's big, fat, juicy one." Leo looked to the side and sighed. "Which Greg's probably slobbering on as we speak."

"So... this is part of the problem. Whether you're completely straight or not, you keep making these insane jokes, like saying you sucked dick in high school, or that you let Obama cum in your ass."

"He. did." said Leo, smirking. "So did Trump. He had to use a condom, though, for obvious reasons."

"Uh huh. I might vomit." She closed her eyes to gather her thoughts. "So--"

"You know, it's true," said Leo, more softly. "The other thing, I mean."

"Is what true?" said Candice. 

"So there was this friend I had in high school, named Matt. We hung out at his house, playing a game. We were both pretty horny, I guess I was kinda giggly, for lack of a better word, and I said I'd totally suck his cock if he wanted. He said he'd totally let me. I paused the game and got in between his legs, you know, as a joke. And then he pushed down his pants and boxers and took his cock out, you know, as a joke. And then, as a complete joke, you know, a work of sophisticated satire or farce or whatever, I put it in my mouth, and started sucking it. And, as a joke, he said how good it felt, and he kinda thrusted, and-- well, I'll say that one thing about sucking dick that they don't tell you is how sore your jaw gets after a while if you don't have the angle right, but I digress-- anyway, again, as a joke, he came in my mouth, and I swallowed it. No homo. He got a little... cold, after that. He, of course, put back on his pants. I sat back down on the couch. We kept playing. Then I mentioned something about how he might return the favor, and he said if I ever said a word about what happened, he would kill me. Completely joking, of course." Leo's eyes were starting to water. "And later on I mysteriously got this reputation as some kind of fag."

"Oh, Leo," Candice said as she hugged him. 

He clutched her back and sobbed on her shoulder. They soon leaned over so they were sideways on the bed, still hugging. Leo started thrusting his hips against her. 

"Uh, Leo," said Candice. "Are you crying while also humping me?"

"I'm not crying," said Leo through tears. 

"You're so strange."

"Well, fuck anybody who's normal. In fact, fuck all of humanity except for Guang Hong." Leo hugged Candice in silence. "Oh, and you as well."

"Are you going to yell out his name when we have sex?"

"Mmh. Maybe."

Leo started to calm down, and he and Candice made out, with Leo on top and Candice on her back. Several minutes later, Leo looked up at his door, which always was slightly open due to the humidity issue preventing the door from fully closing, and he saw an eyeball. "Guang Hong!"

* * *

"Dude, it’s me, Greg, and you should get your door fixed," said Greg to Leo through his bedroom door. Greg was walking from the bathroom past Leo's bedroom and to the couch, where Guang Hong was sitting. The hummingbird documentary was still playing, as was the record that Leo had put on. "Now, where were we?"

Greg and Guang Hong continued to make out on the couch. Several minutes later, Guang Hong heard some steps or something from Leo's bedroom, and abruptly decided to take off his shirt.

"Okay, whatever's fine with you," said Greg, who took off his shirt. They resumed making out just as Leo exited the room. Guang Hong wanted to see the look on Leo's face, but couldn't since his back was to his bedroom, but he did his best to taunt Leo by being as seductive as possible with Greg, even moaning a little bit. He heard the bathroom door close, and turned his head. 

"Dude, are you trying to tease him or something?" asked Greg. "He seemed a little upset. He just kind of rushed to the bathroom after he glimpsed you." 

"Uh..." said Guang Hong.

"You know what? Let's go all the way. You really want to drive him crazy? Take off your pants."

Guang Hong paused a second, then stood up and rushed to take off his pants as quickly as possible. Greg did the same. 

"Great, now my dick is a lot less constrained," said Greg. 

Guang Hong straddled Greg on the couch in his boxers. They continued making out. Leo exited the bathroom, and Greg pulled down the back of Guang Hong's boxers, exposing his butt to Leo. Guang Hong pulled it back up, and kept making out with Greg. Leo kept walking back to his room. 

"Why’d you show him my butt?" laughed Guang Hong.

"It’s like the song says: ‘There is a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in.’"

".........What?"

"Just kiss me."

* * *

"We need to be loud," Leo said to Candice as he entered the bedroom. 

"Why? Oh, them?"

"Uh huh."

Leo took off Candice’s shorts and underwear and went down on her.

"Oh, Leo! Yes, yes, Leo! Leo the lion! You have such a lovely mane! Roar for me, Leo!"

"We can dial it back a skosh," said Leo. 

After a while of their sex moans and squeaky mattress symphony, Leo could hear Guang Hong start to become loud himself, and it was eating at him. "Oh, yeah, Greg! That’s so nice! That’s great! Keep doing that!"

Leo raised his head and looked toward the door. 

"Don’t mind them, Leo," said Candice. 

"I have to see what’s going on," said Leo. He got up, wearing his boxers, and walked to the door. He stepped outside and saw that Guang Hong was sitting on the couch, at least shirtless, with his blanket covering up whatever Greg was doing to his lower torso. Guang Hong saw Leo, and leaned back. "Oh, that’s nice, Greg!" Guang Hong said. 

Leo stood, arms folded. "Okay, I guess I’m going to have to lay down some ground rules for what goes on in my apartment."

Greg took the blanket off. Both Guang Hong and Greg were wearing jeans, and Greg, who was crouching in front of Guang Hong, was wearing a shirt as well. "Is there a rule against tying someone’s shoes?" said Greg, and sure enough, that was exactly what he was doing to Guang Hong.

Leo rolled his eyes. "Oh, ha, ha," said Leo. 

"Hey Leo," said Greg.

"What?"

"Roar for me, Leo."

"Oh, fuck you. At least I’m getting laid," said Leo before realizing he didn’t want to nudge them in that direction. "I mean, uh, we’re leaving for lunch in ten minutes. Get dressed."

"We are getting dressed. Do you have a problem with that? Also, it's like 10:50 in the morning."

"The, uh, fish will be fresher then," said Leo.

"We should take a shower," said Guang Hong, his eyes fixed on Leo. 

"Ooh, that's a nice idea," said Greg. 

"You already took one," said Leo to Guang Hong. 

"Well," said Greg, "he got clean, but then, somehow, he got dirty again. Speaking of which..." Greg sat beside Guang Hong and nibbled at his neck and felt up his chest. Guang Hong leaned back and guided Greg's head to his chest, and Greg started licking Guang Hong's nipples. Guang Hong just smiled and stared daringly at Leo. 

"You *just* put on his shoes," said Leo to Greg.

Greg lifted his head. "Well, I guess we'll have to take everything off, then, won't we?"

Candice, fully dressed, left Leo's room. "If you guys are going to take a shower, I'm going to use the bathroom first." She ran into the bathroom and shut the door. 

Leo stood as Guang Hong and Greg sat in some kind of weird standoff, with Guang Hong and Greg feeling each other up, and Leo standing there and looking off into the distance. 

"What's for lunch?" said Greg. 

"I was thinking sushi," said Leo. 

"So, no spotted dick?" said Greg. "I could go for some dick." He kissed Guang Hong's neck. Guang Hong giggled. "And some buns as well."

Leo noticed that the hummingbird documentary had ended, and was contemplating switching to a documentary about refugees or something and turning it up distractingly loud, but Candice then exited the bathroom, and Guang Hong and Greg quickly entered it. 

"So...you ready?" asked Candice.

Leo sighed. "Sorry, I think I'm too distracted."

"That's okay," said Candice. "Let's watch something on Netflix, maybe that documentary about baby groundhogs."

Leo and Candice sat on the couch and watched the documentary, with Leo trying his best to ignore the grunts and groans that came from his shower.


	5. Private Organza

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So Guang Hong has found an outlet for his sexual tension in Leo's friend Greg, and Leo is jealous. During their sushi lunch, Leo and Greg verbally spar for dominance.

Leo, Candice, Greg, and Guang Hong were in a booth at the sushi restaurant and had just placed their orders, and Greg left to use the restroom.

"So," began Leo, "I read recently that Andy Warhol had this thing where he would draw the penises of the male visitors to his house, and that sometimes he would get so hot and bothered that he would retire to the bathroom to have, quote, a *private organza*."

Candice, responding to the code words, said, "You know what? I should use the restroom as well, before the food gets here." She left. Leo and Guang Hong faced each other in the booth. 

"So," said Leo, "how are things?"

Guang Hong was a little nervous but was practically glowing since last night and couldn't stop smiling. "I... should let you know that I'm gay."

"Hi, Gay! I'm Leo!"

"I never did anything with a guy before." Guang Hong smiled. "It's nice. Have you... ever... done something with a guy? I read that even many straight guys have."

Leo paused. "I have done stuff with *every* guy."

"Uh huh. Anyway, Greg is amazing. He is so hot!"

"Counterpoint: He is a bassist."

"You won't believe what he did to me!"

"I can guess."

Guang Hong leaned across the table and exclaimed in a whisper that was a little too loud, "He sucked me off!"

The waiter had arrived and stood smiling next to their table. "I'm glad to hear you are enjoying your day! Here are your miso soups!" Leo and Guang Hong waited awkwardly, staring in different directions, while the waiter put out their miso soups. They thanked the waiter, who bowed to them, then stood there smiling. Leo thanked him again more pointedly, and the waiter left. 

Guang Hong continued. "Greg says next time we might try anal."

Leo sighed. "Well, don't forget to use a condom. Of course, not all STIs are prevented by condoms, and Greg is basically one big STI-- Oh hi, Greg." Greg had just walked back to the table. "We were just talking about you."

"Nothing bad, I hope." said Greg sarcastically. "Leo, can I talk to you outside?"

* * *

"Beautiful day, isn't it?" said Leo, once they exited the sushi restaurant. 

"Leo," said Greg, "if you get between me and Guang Hong, I will cut your balls off."

"And... how would you manage to do that?"

"I would convince you to star in a performance art exhibit where you let the audience members cut your balls off, and I would be in the audience."

"That... sounds like it might work. But don't take your jealousy out on me. I mean, yes, Guang Hong is basically your only chance at having sex with a world-class athlete, whereas *I* just have to retire to my bathroom for a private organza, but--"

"If you interfere, there will be war!" said Greg. "And not the kind of war where there's a Christmas Truce, where, even though we're on different sides, for one day a year, we put aside our differences and make out."

"I don't remember us being on different sides. I think it was just kind of a joke?"

"We were playing Monopoly."

"Oh, right."

"I had hotels on Broadway and Park Place and some other places, while you had some hotels and also control of all the utilities. We were both on the verge of bankruptcy and stressing out, and then someone suggested a Christmas Truce..."

"Okay, I remember now."

"Guang Hong's a better kisser, by the way."

"Your mom's a better kisser."

"Did he tell you anything about me while I was in the bathroom?"

"Uh, nope. Not a word. Except that he hates your guts."

"You know, it's funny. Guang Hong and I haven't been able to say two words to each other since we met cause we've too busy making out... among other things. Turns out there's a lot you can communicate without using your voice. I mean, does he even speak English? I wouldn't know."

"Uh huh. Let's just go eat our sushi."

"Why are you so protective of him, anyway? Why don't you just let him live his life?"

Leo paused uncertainly, then settled on saying, sarcastically, "Because, obviously, he's hot and I want him to myself. I hope you understand."

"Oh, I do, and I think you understand, too, more than you know," said Greg.

"Oh, of course I do."

"I agree."

"As do I."

"Then we are both in agreement."

"Indubitably."

They both stared at each other. 

"What does 'indubitably' mean?" asked Greg.

"Let's just go inside," said Leo.

"Also, how does Candice feel about all this? Are you two 'together' together? It's one thing to ask you to roar, but I doubt she asked you to paw at Guang Hong," Greg said, mimicking a clawing lion, or maybe a kitten. "I think you've been sending mixed messages, to everybody."

"I'm full of mixed messages," said Leo. "I'm a yield sign with 'Stop' on it. And, anyway, Candice understands the nature of our relationship, which is that it's a casual thing, and that if I choose to, say, suck off guys in an alley to get some nitrous, I'm free to do so."

"Are you still huffing nitrous?" asked Greg. "Just because Sir Humphry Davy did it doesn't mean it's a good idea."

"It's just 'Humphry Davy'. We're Americans. No titles of nobility."

Candice stepped out of the restaurant. "You guys coming? The food's here."

* * *

Leo, Candice, Greg, and Guang Hong sat in the booth, drinking their miso soups and eating their miso salads, with a large plate of sushi in the middle. 

"So," said Leo, "for the short program, I think I've settled on America's Boy by the band Broadcast. It has that kind of stark, 21st century sound that I like."

"It's funny that you settled on America's Boy," said Greg. "Were you not able to get China's boy?"

Candice giggled, then choked on a bit of soup, then coughed loudly, then cleared her throat. "Excuse me," she said. Leo glared at Greg and slurped his soup. 

"Still live in your mom's house, Greg?" asked Leo.

Greg stared at Leo. "Currently."

"What was that?"

"I *currently* live in my mom's house."

"Guang Hong and I have both been all over the world. Russia, China, Japan, Canada, Spain, and so on. You do any traveling?"

"I plan to visit Chicago sometime soon."

"Have you ever even left the United States? I mean, Canada is just next door. Have you gone there?"

"Not yet."

"Well, Greg, what would you say you've accomplished so far in your life, if anything?"

"I write songs."

"Okay--"

"Guang Hong," said Greg, "would you like to hear a song I wrote for you last night? It's called 'Ice Prince'."

"Oh...Okay," said Guang Hong. Greg plugged some earbuds into his phone and gave them to Guang Hong, who listened. About half a minute into the song, Guang Hong spoke. "Wow, this is amazing! Did you write this all last night?"

"Yep!" said Greg. 

"Leo, listen to this!" 

Guang Hong handed the earbuds to Leo, who put them in his ear. It was dreck. God-awful crap. Some kind of sappy, saccharine acoustic track with Greg singing about ice and melting hearts with strings and stuff overlaid. Well, okay, the melody was good, catchy but sophisticated enough that he wouldn't mind the fact that it would remain in his head days later, and the production was reasonable for an overnight recording. Actually, the chord changes were pretty clever, vaguely reminiscent of Nirvana, and the lyrics had some nuance, and the tone of that guitar that started the guitar solo was just--

"You mind if I listen?" said Candice.

Leo handed the earbuds to Candice. "It is music," he said. 

Candice put the earbuds on. "Wow," she said a few seconds later. "You're really talented," she told Greg. 

"Thanks," said Greg. He looked at Leo. "You still write songs?"

Leo was forced to internally confront the fact that, while Greg and he were equally mediocre songwriters back in high school, Greg had gotten much, much better while he hadn't moved at all. "No. You still skate?"

"Nope. We should totally do that, though. It would be hilarious. Guang Hong would be skating as gracefully as --I don't know, a dove? What kind of birds skate? Penguins? I don't know. Anyway, he would be graceful, while I would be falling on my ass every five seconds, probably breaking every bone in my body." Greg paused. "Hey, Guang Hong. Did you know there are 206 bones in the human body?"

"Uh, yes."

"You want another one?"

"Uh, what?" Guang Hong giggled. Candice snickered. Leo rolled his eyes. "Anyway," continued Guang Hong, "Leo and I are practicing tomorrow morning. Starting around 8am. Would you like to come?"

"Sure, that sounds awesome! I'll be there."

Greg picked up a piece of sashimi with his chopsticks and dipped it in soy sauce. "Hey, Guang Hong," he said. He held the sashimi out in front of his face and gently tongued the bottom of the sashimi, lifting the floppy piece of meat with each scoop of his tongue. Guang Hong was transfixed. Leo sighed and buried his hands in his face. Candice giggled. The waiter stood next to the table and smiled. 

"I hope you are enjoying your meal," said the waiter, "and I would just like to let you know that our restrooms are private and that what happens our restrooms, stays in our restrooms. No questions asked."

"Perhaps I shall be using your facilities, then," said Greg.

"Me, too," said Guang Hong. They both exited the booth and ran to the restroom. 

The waiter left, and Leo just stared ahead. "I guess they're off for a private organza," said Leo. 

"Are we still following that code?" asked Candice. "Should I leave?"

"No, it's fine, I was just commenting on the situation."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I literally patted myself on the back for that "China's boy" burn.


	6. I Want You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guang Hong, Leo, and Greg are practicing at the rink, when Leo finally reaches a breaking point.

Guang Hong, Greg, and Leo were on the ice at the rink. Guang Hong looked at Leo, practicing with his usual grace, then looked at Greg, who was gripping onto the rink wall for dear life and slowly stumbling his way around the outside of the rink. Guang Hong found that skating was a nice break from the upheaval of his personal life over the past couple of days, where he had gone from hiding everything from everyone, to telling Leo he was gay and having his hands all over a guy in public.

Guang Hong was frustrated by Leo. Leo was about as inscrutable as ever, though he was showing signs of jealousy, and as Guang Hong skated on the ice, crossing paths with Leo, Leo's eyes would connect with Guang Hong's. Guang Hong still craved Leo's attention, and he did his best by having his hands all over his friend Greg--Guang Hong certainly enjoyed exhibiting himself in front of Leo--but he was beginning to feel it wasn't having the desired effect.

* * *

Leo was in a melancholy mood. He didn't sleep well, and he didn't particularly feel like practicing except that they'd already agreed to meet up. 

While Leo practiced, he listened to the songs he had added to his playlist the previous night. First was "Dress Up In You" by Belle and Sebastian. The bittersweet mood and the aching beauty of the melody and the chord progression matched how he felt when he saw Guang Hong glide gracefully on the ice, but out of reach. The gentle defiance of the lyrics lifted his spirits a bit, and the way _I've got a boyfriend_ was snuck in by the male singer was maybe a subtle reminder to himself of how he really felt whenever he wasn't burying it under a layer of jokes. Less subtle was "Homosapien" by Pete Shelley, with lyrics like _Homo Superior, in my interior_ , although, like Leo, that song had a layer of plausible deniability to it. Leo had long admitted to himself that he was bi, but he'd never felt as strongly about a guy as he did about Guang Hong, so he never really had to admit his sexuality to anyone else, but here was this song in his playlist acting like a red alert beacon, an emitter of gaydio waves. The more his playlist reflected his true feelings, the more he worried about people actually hearing it. Earlier, Greg had asked him what he was listening to, and Leo just said, "Stuff." Of a slightly different theme was "I Want You" by Bob Dylan, about a man in pitiful love with a woman, but who can't do anything about it. Next was "Jet Boy, Jet Girl", kind of a punk queer anthem about... murdering someone? The details didn't matter; whenever the singer sang _He gives me head_ , Leo's mind jumped to Guang Hong, at least for a microsecond, or maybe longer. 

Some time later, maybe an hour or so, Leo saw Greg finally stumbling toward the exit. Guang Hong helped him, then returned to his skating. Soon after, Leo faintly heard a sweet musical sound coming from... somewhere. He took off his earbuds and looked around for its source, wondering if it was coming from the speakers. Then he saw Greg, just outside the rink, playing some classical theme on a flute, evidently providing a live sound track for Guang Hong's skating. The scene was beautiful, and peaceful, just the sound of skating and a melody from the flute, and it got on Leo's nerves. 

Leo came to a stop, staring off in the distance in thought. Then Leo started skating again, making a wide arc bending toward justice and also past Greg, and yanked Greg's flute out of his fucking hands.

"What the fuck?!?" yelled Greg. "What in the actual, living fuck?!?"

* * *

_Uh, oh_ , thought Guang Hong, as he saw Greg run onto the rink in his sneakers. He saw Leo stop in the middle of the rink, waving the flute over his head, taunting Greg. Greg ran toward Leo the best he could on the ice, and Leo skated around. Leo continued to taunt Greg with his flute, getting closer and closer each time, even managing to poke Greg with the flute a few times. Greg lunged out but kept failing to grab the flute. 

"Guang Hong, help!" yelled Greg. 

Guang Hong skated toward them. "Leo, what are you doing?" he yelled. 

"Skating!" said Leo, as he skated into a double axel while holding the flute. He circled back and yelled at Greg, "Tonya Harding did nothing wrong!"

"What does that even mean?" yelled Greg.

Leo circled back again. "It means I'm going to break your legs with your flute!"

"Leo, give him his flute back!" yelled Guang Hong. 

"Here, you give it to him, since you're apparently so good at giving it to him!" 

Immediately, Leo knew he should not have said that. Guang Hong had a stern demeanor that belied the fact that he was a little bit stunned. Leo skated up to him and handed him the flute, which Guang Hong handed to Greg. Greg walked over to Guang Hong, who was now a little closer to Greg's height since he had on his skates. 

"You're right," said Greg. "He is good at giving it to me." They embraced and kissed, and rubbed their hands over each others' bodies, a little bit longer than they had to to make their point. Then Greg walked off, playing an upbeat melody on his flute. Guang Hong and Leo looked at each other, and waited until Greg was outside of earshot. 

"Leo, are you okay?" asked Guang Hong. 

"I just... really hate the flute," said Leo with a shrug. 

"Is there something on your mind?"

"I... I don't know. It's complicated."

"Am _I_ on your mind?" Guang Hong smirked. 

Leo paused, unable to think of a response...... and soon enough Leo felt he was revealing a lot more with his silence than he could have with his words. "Uh, what?" Leo laughed nervously. 

"Leo," Guang Hong said softly, "if you want to talk, or do stuff, you can talk with me anytime. Maybe we could play one of your games later, just the two of us?"

"Uh, yeah, sure," said Leo. He wasn't quite sure what he agreed to, but that phrase "or do stuff", nervously emitted from Guang Hong's mouth, rattled about energetically in his brain.

* * *

Leo returned with Guang Hong to Leo's apartment that afternoon and they put away their stuff. 

"So I had an idea," said Leo. "Let me set things up first." He took a couple of chairs from the table where they ate and set them up facing each other in front of the stove in the kitchenette. Leo stood and explained: "So, Marina Abramovic, the performance artist I told you about a few days ago, has this famous piece called The Artist is Present, where she sits in a chair, and a participant from the audience sits in the other chair, and they just sit and look at each other in silence. Would you like to try it?"

"Okay," Guang Hong said, confused. 

They sat in opposing chairs. Leo felt awkward looking directly at Guang Hong, so he looked off to the side, but he couldn't help but notice that Guang Hong was looking directly at him. Leo then met Guang Hong's eyes, at which point Guang Hong smiled and looked off to the side, somehow less nervous than Leo was. Leo was feeling twin anxieties, from the unspoken whatever-it-was between him and Guang Hong, and from the embarrassment/ludicrousness of performing a famous performance art piece in between his stove and his fridge. About two minutes in, something snapped. 

"You know what," blurted out Leo, "I have another idea, kind of a weird one, but anyway, we can only do it at night. Do you want to try it around 10pm?"

"Yeah, sure," said Guang Hong.

* * *

That evening, Guang Hong was lying on the couch, looking at Twitter on his phone, while Leo was pouring some kind of tea into a couple of thermoses. 

"I think, before we do what we're going to do next," said Leo, "we should have some of this tea to calm us, and make sure we're in a true meditative state. Would you like some?" Leo handed Guang Hong a thermos. 

"What is this?" asked Guang Hong. 

"It's one of a selection of teas. I randomized it, so I don't know what we're drinking, exactly. I was even able to find this 'Null Tea' which isn't tea at all, which is to say it adds nothing to the water." Leo paused. "Of course, even the Null Tea can be pretty powerful in its own way. You want some?"

"Sure," said Guang Hong. 

Leo handed him the thermos. "So, the plan is to sit here silently and finish our tea, then head up to the roof. Are you afraid of heights?"

"No." Guang Hong took the top off the thermos and blew onto the tea to cool it down. 

"Good," said Leo. 

They both sat on the couch in silence. Guang Hong took out his phone and looked at it. 

"Hold on," said Leo. "I want us to be both completely in the moment. We're going to leave everything here in the apartment before we head out up to the roof. That means phones, too. No distractions. In fact--" Leo took out his phone, turned it off, and put it on the table. "There. Now I'm not distracted."

Guang Hong looked at Leo, then turned off his own phone and put it on the table. He sat back and sipped the tea. Still too hot. He waited a bit, then sipped again. Still too hot. He sat silently next to Leo, who was doing the same thing with his tea, and who seemed to be thinking intensely. Guang Hong reached into his pocket, and realized he had put his phone on the table. He sipped his tea again. Still too hot. He thought about how nice it was that Leo was sitting next to him, but Leo seemed awfully tense, which made Guang Hong a little nervous. Guang Hong reached into his pocket again, and again realized his phone was on the table. He sipped his tea again, which was just starting to be cool enough, if you didn't mind your tongue getting a little bit burned. Guang Hong sniffed the tea. He couldn't smell anything, and wondered if he got the Null Tea. 

Finally, maybe half an hour of boredom later, Guang Hong finished his tea, and Leo finished soon after. "Well," said Leo, "let's go up."

* * *

Guang Hong and Leo exited the apartment and climbed the stairs, and soon enough they reached a spot where Leo pulled down a ladder from the ceiling and opened the entrance to the roof. They climbed the ladder and squeezed through the square hole. 

Guang Hong enjoyed the cool summer air, the darkness of the night, the crescent moon and the stars, the lights from Detroit's skyscrapers, and the traffic noises below. He turned around, admiring the view, and smiled widely in the dark. 

Leo closed the opening, and walked up to Guang Hong. "So, I have this kind of crazy rule," said Leo. "Do you see this line?" he said, pointing toward a thick chalk line on the ground a few feet from the entrance and stretching from wall to wall on the roof. 

"Yes," said Guang Hong.

"When I said I leave everything behind when I head to the roof, I meant it." Leo then reached down and pulled off his shirt. He took off his shoes and socks, then unbuckled his jeans and took off his jeans and boxers. He then walked across the line, completely naked. "No one can see us in the dark," said Leo. "You want to join me?"

Guang Hong paused a second, then took his clothes off too, and walked across the chalk line. He felt slightly chilly, but excited, and he twirled around a little. 

"Feels great, huh?" said Leo. 

"It's great, Leo!"

"So here's the idea. We are currently free in all ways except one: responsibility for our actions. Ironically, free will places tremendous burdens on us, so for just a little bit, we're going to shut off our free will. Each of us will have a coin which will decide what we do. Here's a quarter." Leo handed a quarter to Guang Hong. "First, I'll flip it, and then, if it's heads, I take one step toward you, and if it's tails, I take one step back. Then, we both step to the right, in kind of a circle. Let's start about ten feet apart." The roof of the building was something like fifty feet wide and many times longer. Leo adjusted his distance so he and Guang Hong were about ten feet apart. "This coin may lead us to our suicide, when one of us walks so far back that we fall over the edge, or it may bring us as close as... two human beings could be. Let's find out. I'll start." Leo flipped the coin, slapped it on the back of his hand, then held the coin up with his back to the lights of the distant skyscrapers and the moon to try and make out whether it was heads or tails. "I think it's tails. So I'll step back, and then you step to your right and I'll step to my right. Alright, your turn."

Guang Hong flipped his coin, then dropped it, chased after it, and finally managed to retrieve it. He walked back to roughly where he was, maybe a little bit closer to Leo than before. "Uh, which one's heads and which one's tails?"

"The head is heads. Do you see a head? Heads means you walk one step toward me, the other side means you walk one step away."

"Uh..." Guang Hong squinted in the dark toward the coin. "Yeah, heads."

"Then go ahead and step toward me, then one step to the right."

They continued like this for a few more steps, with Leo getting heads, tails, heads, tails, and Guang Hong getting heads, heads, heads, heads.

"You're getting an awful lot of heads," said Leo. "Are you sure you're reading it right?"

"Uh, yeah," said Guang Hong. 

They kept going, with Leo getting about equal amounts of heads and tails and Guang Hong getting mostly heads (for whatever reason), until they were standing just one foot away from each other. 

"Your turn," said Leo, softly. 

"Heads," Guang Hong said without flipping his coin. Guang Hong stepped toward Leo, close enough to feel his body heat. He dropped his coin to the side, and slid his hands around Leo's midsection, then leaned in and kissed him. Leo kissed back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to claim I was on some kind of drugs when I wrote this.


	7. Schrödinger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They meet at a coffeeshop.

It was around 11 A.M. or so the next day, and Guang Hong walked inside The D, a coffeeshop near the rink where Guang Hong and Leo had just been practicing. Guang Hong had just ended his phone call with Greg, with whom he'd agreed to meet later. 

Guang Hong entered the coffeeshop and looked around for Leo, but couldn't find him, so he decided to order something first. The line was empty, so Guang Hong walked right up to the counter, but no one was there. He turned and looked around--

"Hi, Guang Hong!"

Guang Hong was startled by Leo, who just popped up from behind the counter. "Oh, hey, Leo." Guang Hong smiled while remembering what they did on the roof of Leo's apartment building last night.

"Welcome to The D. Can I take your order?"

"Uh... A green tea? Please?" Guang Hong was confused as to why Leo, his friend and skating colleague, was working in a coffeeshop, but he was too tired to care.

"You know, they have this drink here called 'The D'. It's basically melted coffee ice cream. Are you sure you wouldn't like 'The D'? You definitely seemed to enjoy The D last night."

"Oh." Guang Hong laughed nervously and blushed. 

"So, Guang Hong, how does it feel to be like Schrödinger?"

"Who?"

"Schrödinger was a famous physicist who invented quantum mechanics and had an open relationship with his wife and his mistress. So, am I your wife or your mistress?"

"Haha, what?"

"I'm sorry, it's too early for questions about quantum mechanics, especially considering how little sleep we got last night, wink, wink."

"Can I have a green tea?"

"Oh, sure. Let me figure out which of these things gives hot water." Leo looked around at the coffee shop appliances surrounding him, and pulled a random lever, which made a noise and some brown goop. "Nope, not that one. Oh, hey!" Leo saw the returning coffeeshop employee, who was some guy in his 20s. 

"Okay, I think I've given you enough time for your prank or whatever," the employee said. 

Guang Hong got his green tea, and Leo got a macchiato, and they sat down at a table. 

"You know," said Leo, "you might say we got pretty high last night."

Guang Hong just stared. 

"Because we were on the roof."

Guang Hong sipped his tea, smirking. 

"It's funny how Schrödinger, the man who basically shared his marriage between two women, said that particles could be in two places at the same time. Of course, once you observe the position of the particle, then the wavefunction collapses, and the particle can only be in one of those two places, so I guess you have to be careful about what gets observed. In chemistry, I think it's called a 'resonance', where molecules can have two type of bonds at once. There's this kind of sexy tension from being in two structures at once, trying to have multiple contradictory bonds in order to keep everyone satisfied. What do you think?"

Guang Hong stared blankly at Leo, being unprepared for one of the rare occasions where Leo had actually shut up for five seconds. "Oh, uh, I don't really remember anything from chemistry class."

"I like the idea of holding multiple contradictory ideas in your head at the same time. You can express things through a contradiction that you can't really express as direct statements. Like how, when it came to oral sex, last night you were simultaneously a top and a bottom."

Guang Hong snickered as he sipped his tea. He fondly remembered being naked on the roof and making out with Leo, then getting on his knees to suck him off, then both of them 69ing, then taking turns jerking off into each others' mouths. Guang Hong swallowed. Leo spit over the side of the building.

"As was I. You wouldn't have thought it'd be mathematically possible. Anyway, here's another thought. I wonder what's the difference between being a Schrödinger, and being a slut. Especially when you're a guy with other guys, it can be hard to tell who's using who." Leo leaned in and spoke softly. "You're good at sucking dick, you know." Leo leaned back. "God, it must be hot sucking multiple guys' dicks just days from each other. Or maybe, like, at the same time. Especially if you're good at it." Leo looked at Guang Hong. 

"You were good at it too," said Guang Hong. 

Leo seemed a little uncomfortable with the thought. "Thanks," he said. He sipped his macchiato, looking over to the side. "You know what I wish?"

"No, what?" asked Guang Hong. 

"I wish I had two more wishes. And I wish that they'd fix the door to the matrix, there's mad glitches. I spit so many verses, my jaw twitches. If there's one thing this coffee place needs, it's more-- Greg! Oh, hey, Greg!"

Greg had walked up to the table, and had been waiting for Leo to finish. "Oh, hey, guys. Quoting MF DOOM?"

"Yep," said Leo.

"Mind if I join you guys?"

"Nope."

"Egads, he's got enough style to start three fads." Greg sat down. "Hey, Guang Hong. I got The D," said Greg, showing his coffee beverage to Guang Hong. "Would you like me to give you The D?" 

Leo rolled his eyes and sighed. 

"No, thanks," said Guang Hong.

Greg took a sip of his drink. "You know, Leo, I admire your social media presence. You can tweet something as mundane as 'Nothing happened last night, winking emoji', like you did this morning, and still get thousands of likes."

"Yep," said Leo. "I guess my fans like me."

"That's nice. Guang Hong, did anything happen last night?"

Guang Hong paused, his brain cells scrambling to come up with a plan like a water brigade trying to put out a fire but if the bucket had a hole. What? Was he in a relationship with Greg, or was it just a several-nights-stand but during the day and also with skating and flute-playing? And what about Leo? What he did with Leo was fun, but shrouded in darkness and mysterious games. It was like they complimented different parts of him, like Leo was the moon and Greg was the sun. Maybe ideas for a skating routine? Also, they had apparently made out once, mainly as a joke, according to Greg? Kissing, routines, darkness and philosophy, what Guang Hong needed now was to answer Greg's inquiry. "Uh, no."

"Well, I guess Leo's story holds up."

"Yeah," said Leo, "that's the life of a figure skater. You have to go to bed early, or else you get..." Leo couldn't help but yawn. "...dog tired throughout the day."

Guang Hong did his best to stifle a yawn. 

"You seem tired, Leo," said Greg. "What time did you go to sleep?"

"2 A.M. I stayed up late reading about Schrödinger on wikipedia."

"Who?"

"Schrödinger was a famous physicist, one of the physicists who came up with quantum mechanics."

"Okay. Anyway," said Greg, "I have some news. My grandmother passed away."

"Sorry to hear that," said Guang Hong.

"Me too," said Leo. 

"Well, she was pretty racist," said Greg.

"Okay," said Leo. "Well, I'm still sorry she died."

"Actually, she wasn't *that* racist, there's just a few times she said blatantly racist things. Mostly she kept it to herself."

"Well, that's... still unfortunate."

"And she left me some money."

"Uh... there is a light side and a dark side to everything."

"You don't have to comment on everything, Leo."

"Okay."

"So, Guang Hong, are you... interested in going to Hawaii?"

"Hawaii sucks," said Leo. 

"I'd love to go!" said Guang Hong. "When's the trip?"

"As soon as we can!" said Greg. "Even tomorrow would be fine. So, Leo, what's wrong with Hawaii? Have you ever been there? I mean, you were hinting that I should travel more."

"I have, actually," said Leo. "It's... commercial, and tacky. It's boring, it's warm and sunny all the time. There's these stupid beaches with kids running around. There's this bacteria in some of the rivers. Uh... they have a Trump hotel."

"Guang Hong, have you ever been?" asked Greg.

"No, I haven't, but it sounds awesome!" said Guang Hong. 

"I've heard great things," said Greg. "So, are you free?"

"I'm free any time, just let me know when we're going."

"You know, I could use a vacation," said Leo. "Maybe we could all travel there and meet up?"

"I thought you said Hawaii sucks," said Greg.

"It's the least worst place I can think of."

"Oooookay, I guess it's settled. Leo, I'll let you know what hotel we're staying at and what our plans are."

"Hawaii sucks."

"Okay, Leo."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we have established a few things:
> 
> 1\. I am a nerd.
> 
> 2\. I didn't realize it until I wrote it, but Leo and Greg fit the night/day archetypes reasonably well, and it has consequences for their behavior. Leo likes to be mysterious and bury everything under a layer of jokes and digressions, while Greg just does things out in the open. Guang Hong struggles to choose between the light and darkness. At the risk of mixing metaphors, being in a quantum superposition of light and darkness favors the darkness, and is only possible if the light doesn't observe itself. We'll see what happens next chapter when they get to Hawaii.
> 
> 3\. Ew, Leo, that's gross. Yes, *that* thing. If you're going to do that thing there and then, then you should at least not then do that other thing in that way.


	8. Leo and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Trip To Hawaii

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Greg, Guang Hong, and Leo go on a trip to Hawaii.

**HAWAII - DAY 0 (or rather very early DAY 1)**

Leo knew that he needed to get to sleep extra early because tomorrow they were leaving for Hawaii and the day would be a long one......so he stayed up until 1:30 A.M. watching videos about cliff jumping. He laid stomach-down on his bed, his chest propped up by a pillow, the only light in his room coming from the screen of the laptop he was looking at and its reflection on his face. Fantasies about Hawaii filled his head, along with the melody to Ice Prince (damn it, Greg!). He daydreamed about the adventure, the being thousands of miles away from anywhere else, the being with Guang Hong, but it was all dampened by the knowing that Greg would be there as well. (Yes, the whole thing was Greg's idea, and it was a good one, as much as he hated to admit it.)

Nevetheless, the more that Greg had Guang Hong, the less that Leo did, and Leo was worried about Greg and Guang Hong's rapidly congealing relationship. Now, Leo basically considered himself a good person......but if there was one advantage he had over Greg, it was that Guang Hong had demonstrated that he was willing to lie to Greg and cheat on him, and Leo wondered how he could leverage that. Leo furrowed his brow, then went to Google and entered, "How do I corrupt Guang Hong?"

The first result was that photo of Guang Hong biting a teddy bear, and below that, Guang Hong's wikipedia page:

 **GUANG-HONG JI**  
Guang-Hong Ji is a Chinese figure skater. He placed third at his Grand Prix debut in Skate America, but did not place at the Cup of China.  wikipedia  
Missing: ~~corrupt~~ | Must include:  corrupt

Leo remembered that this was the same wikipedia article that called him and Guang Hong "good friends". "Good friends." Was that it? He felt that he had a soul, and Guang Hong had a soul, and that their souls were especially close, overlapping even, and Leo knew in his heart-of-hearts (and in his dick-of-dicks) that they were on the same wavelength and that the universe approved of their connection. How dare Greg. How dare Greg insert himself between their beautiful little bond.

Leo opened up Twitter and typed, "It's 1:30am, but it's never too late to say Guang-Hong Ji is a truly unique, special person, and that the Earth itself resonates in his soul." He hit submit. His heart beat faster.

Thirty seconds later, he deleted his tweet. _Maybe I should just get some sleep before I do anything stupid,_ he thought.

 

**HAWAII - DAY 1**

Leo was awakened by his phone at 7:30 A.M. It was Greg. "Uh, hey, Greg."

"Are you ready?"

"Oh, crap." Leo had forgotten to pack.

"W...what do you mean by 'Oh, crap'? Is this a good 'Oh, crap' or a bad 'Oh, crap'? Look, I'm outside. Guang Hong's already here. Are you ready?"

"I'll be there in, uh, fifteen minutes."

Forty-five minutes later, Leo ran out the door with a suitcase and loaded it into the back of Greg's car, before sitting in the back seat behind Guang Hong. Soon after, they were on a 12-hour flight, which would arrive around 6 P.M. Hawaii time.

* * *

Leo was exhausted when the plane landed in Honolulu. They exited the plane. Greg bought a ukulele at a gift shop, and it seemed like every plunk polluted Leo's spirits. They ate dinner, then arrived at the Kahanamoku Inn, a bed-and-breakfast not far from the airport.

They checked in and found out they had neighboring rooms, with Greg and Guang Hong sharing one room, and Leo having another. They said good night, and went to their rooms. It was still really early by Detroit time, and despite his exhaustion Leo didn't really feel like falling asleep. He laid on his bed with his laptop and scrolled through his Twitter feed.

He heard the plunking of ukulele noise coming from Greg and Guang Hong's room. It irritated him, but not as much as when it stopped. You see, as long as Guang Hong was staying on Leo's couch, there was only so much time Greg and Guang Hong had together, but with a room to themselves...

Leo slowly moved his laptop off his stomach and put it to the side. He slowly sat up and walked softly, barefoot, toward the opposite wall, then kneeled down and put his ear to the wall. He couldn't quite hear anything, so he got up and quietly unwrapped a plastic cup the bed-and-breakfast provided. He returned to the wall, and pressed the cup against the wall and his ear against the cup to hear better. He waited. He couldn't hear anything. After a minute, Leo returned to his bed and his laptop.

Some time later, he thought he heard mattress squeaking. He walked quickly to the wall, and listened with the cup, and covered his other ear with his hand. A groan! He thought he heard a groan. His imagination went wild. Who was doing what to whom? He couldn't tell. And there was talking, or murmuring. It was all maddeningly ambiguous, and eventually Leo figured he was being too obsessive, and backed away from the wall and back toward his bed.

Then he heard louder and faster squeaks. He ran to the wall again, and listened in with the cup. The squeaking was clear enough, but he still didn't know what they were doing. He figured Guang Hong was generally quiet in bed. Maybe Greg, too, he didn't really know. Were they rubbing up against each other, frotting? Did they finally move on to anal? Leo figured they ought to be using condoms, but figured it would be really hot if they didn't.

The plastic cup crumpled, and Leo realized he had been leaning his weight against it, as he fell against the wall, and then a neighboring table, and then onto the floor with a thud. Leo froze. He noticed the squeaking of the mattress in the next room had stopped...at least for about ten seconds, then it started again. Leo sighed, got up, and grabbed some coconut-scented lotion the bed-and-breakfast provided. He took off his clothes, went into his bed, and started jerking off with the lotion.

He was really getting into it when he heard a loud knock at his door. He ran to it, checked the peephole, and saw that it was Guang Hong in just a towel. "Just a sec!" said Leo. Leo quickly rubbed off the lotion with a hand towel and put on some boxers, and let Guang Hong in.

"Hey, Leo."

Leo smiled and chuckled, confused. "Hey, Guang Hong. What are you doing here?"

Guang Hong dropped the towel and walked toward a stunned Leo. Guang Hong leaned in and kissed him, then spoke softly into his ear: "I fucked Greg." Guang Hong then started kissing Leo's neck.

Leo had no idea why Guang Hong was telling him this, but it was making him rock hard. "Okay," Leo muttered.

Guang Hong noticed Leo's erection straining through his boxers. Guang Hong looked at Leo, kneeled down, pulled off Leo's boxers, and grabbed Leo's dick. Guang Hong put his mouth over Leo's dick, and then backed off, a bitter look on his face.

"Oh, that's lotion," said Leo. "I'll go wash it off."

"Actually, I'm afraid I don't have enough time," said Guang Hong. "I need to get back before Greg finishes his shower." Guang Hong stood up, kissed Leo, and picked up his towel and wrapped it around him. He then opened Leo's door, checked to make sure no one else was in the hall, and slipped back into his room.

Leo sighed, and returned to his bed, where he resumed jerking off.

* * *

**HAWAII - DAY 2**

The next day, just after lunch, Leo, Guang Hong, and Greg were at Waikiki Beach. Guang Hong and Greg were laying down on towels in swim trunks, enjoying the sun, while Leo was sitting up in a black T-shirt and jeans. Leo took off his sneakers and poured sand out of them.

"Dude, maybe if you planned ahead, you would've brought more beach-appropriate clothing," said Greg.

"Your opinion has been noted," said Leo.

Leo looked around him. Palm trees, tall hotel buildings, statues of famous surfers, stands selling smoothies. Trees that never changed color, grass that never turned brown. The beach was filled with tourists. Families with kids running around, older couples, surfers in the water.

"You guys ever surf?" asked Greg.

"I haven't," said Guang Hong.

"Nope," said Leo. "I prefer water when it's in its solid phase."

The day was beautiful. The sun was shining, it was nice and hot, and everyone everywhere seemed to be having fun. Leo glanced over at Guang Hong, and noticed he and Greg were holding hands.

"Fuck it, I'm going to the zoo," said Leo.

"Have fun," said Greg.

* * *

A short walk later, Leo was pensively regarding the Honolulu Zoo's wide assortment of tropical birds. Then he pensively regarded the lions, and then pensively regarded the klipspringers (adorable little two-foot-high antelopes). How should he deal with the Guang Hong/Greg situation? They seemed to be moving from a casual relationship to something more serious, but at the same time Guang Hong seemed more than willing to embrace the contradiction of keeping things open with Leo. Leo wondered if he could test Guang Hong somehow.

Leo texted Guang Hong: "Hey, I'm going to Diamond Head Beach. It's a quieter, more out of the way place. You can get there by bus. Feel free to join me whenever."

Leo took the bus to a small parking area uphill from Diamond Head Beach, carrying nothing more than a water bottle. Leo had been here before, a couple of years earlier, sight-seeing on a brief layover on the way back from Japan. The area was on the slope of the dormant Diamond Head volcano (though some geologists think there's a remote chance it could erupt again.) Leo followed a path past some outdoor showers and climbed down to the beach. The east (to the left) was reasonably busy, especially with surfers, and some hotels or other buildings could be seen on the eastern edge. The west, on the other hand, was below a cliff with a lighthouse on top, and was around a bend from the rest of the beach and separated by a rocky, unfriendly surface, providing a measure of privacy.

Leo took off his shirt and walked west, admiring the flat, black rocks he was walking on, and soon passed an assortment of people, maybe a dozen, mostly nude, mostly gay men of various ages but some opposite-sex couples as well. Leo took off the rest of his clothes and laid them down in lieu of a beach blanket.

He sat nude on his clothes and looked out at the ocean, knowing he could swim thousands of miles ahead before hitting another piece of land. He was home. After wandering the Earth for a couple of years, he had returned to this sacred place, one of life's corners away from the prying eyes of society.

The cliffs blocked cell-phone reception, and in any case Leo chose not to look at his phone for the time he was there, taking his cues about time from the sun. And there were basically two times: hot, or too hot (in which case Leo would walk to the ocean and submerge himself.) It was very simple. Forever passed, although maybe it was two hours, and Leo was sitting with his eyes closed, pondering great truths like whether he had put enough sunscreen on earlier in the day to be spending this much time in the sun, when he heard a familiar voice.

"Ahem. Hi, Leo," said Guang Hong. "We're here." Leo looked to his left, squinted in the bright sun, and saw Guang Hong and unfortunately also Greg standing right next to him. Guang Hong smirked.

"So you went to a nude beach," said Greg, kinda judgmentally.

"Did you know that Einstein would debate quantum mechanics with Neils Bohr while laying nude on his couch?" asked Leo.

"I'm...pretty sure you're making that up," said Greg. [He wasn't.] "Alright, fine, we can stay here." Greg and Guang Hong set up beach towels next to Leo, with Greg in between Leo and Guang Hong.

Leo looked over to Guang Hong, who smiled back. Leo laid back and closed his eyes. Okay, he wasn't *alone* with Guang Hong (if he were, there were crevices in the cliffs that were known to be cruisy, wink emoji), but at least they were together in a place that felt more like home than the more commercial feel of Waikiki Beach.

Some time later he heard Greg's voice. "Is nudity legal here?"

"What, are you the 'legal' police?" said Leo in a slightly parched voice, squinting toward Greg.

"No, but I think he is."

Leo squinted to the east, and noticed a cop wandering toward them.

"Sir, nudity is a violation of state law," said the officer. "I'm going to have to write you a ticket. Could I see some ID?"

Leo grudgingly handed over his driver's license, then put on his pants. The officer wrote down some information, then handed him a ticket.

Leo felt powerless, but he had one trick up his sleeve. "Do you know who I am?" said Leo. _Wait, no, what am I doing?_ he thought. _I've had too much sun and it has baked my brain._

"Should I?" asked the officer, who then looked up Leo's name on his phone. "Holy cow, you're famous. The boys back at the station will have a laugh about this."

* * *

That evening, after dinner, Leo was back in his room. He checked Twitter, and... wow. Holy crap.

So, highly observant fans had connected a few dots.

* Dot #1 was Leo's quickly deleted tweet last night praising Guang Hong, which was noticed by a fan during the tweet's short time of existence.

* Dot #2 was Guang Hong's post on instagram of a photo from the entrance to Diamond Head Beach.

* Dot #3 was news articles about Leo's ticketing for indecent exposure at that same beach.

Fans were now also speculating on the meaning of Leo's tweet just days earlier that "Nothing happened last night, [winking emoji]", as well as Guang Hong's posts about visiting Leo in Detroit.

Now, to a sober, dispassionate observer, the evidence was inconclusive. Yes, it seemed as if Leo and Guang Hong had just flown to Hawaii and visited a nude beach together, with Leo confirmed to have been nude, but that didn't necessarily mean they were gay or in a relationship together, and "nothing happened last night ;)" could mean almost anything. Still, Leo figured he and Guang Hong should be careful.

Leo heard a knock at his door. It was Guang Hong. He let him in.

"Oh, hey, Guang Hong."

"Hey, Leo."

They stared at each other. "So--" started Leo.

Guang Hong kissed Leo. They made out and moved to the bed, with Guang Hong on top, and grinding into Leo, who grinded back. A minute later, Guang Hong stopped and moved off of Leo, sitting on the side of the bed. "Sorry that I can't go further," said Guang Hong, "but I need to save myself for later with Greg."

"So, what, am I just an appetizer?" asked Leo, still laying down.

Guang Hong looked at Leo, who looked back. They paused. Then Guang Hong crawled back on top, and they resumed making out for another minute or so. Then Guang Hong once again removed himself. He got off the bed and stood up, fixing his clothes.

"You know," said Leo, "it'd be a shame if I gave you a hickey or something. Then you'd get caught. Oh, speaking of which, I think the, um, internet is on to us. There's a news article about me being ticketed for being nude, and then there's your Instagram post about being at that same beach, and it seems like many of our fans have connected the dots."

Guang Hong stood and stared into space like a deer in headlights.

"I mean, it's not like they have any evidence or anything. Everyone knows I'm kinda weird, and you just went with your weird friend to the beach. Nothing more than that. They can talk all they want." Leo's phone buzzed. "Oh, Phichit just texted me, wondering what's up with everything."

"Don't tell him," said Guang Hong.

"Don't worry, I won't. I'll just tell him what I just told you. I mean, Phichit's a nice guy, but he can be kind of a gossip. Remember that time in Beijing when we were with Phichit, Yuuri, and Victor at that restaurant, and Victor was drunk and all over Yuuri, and he stripped completely naked? I mean, Jesus." Leo laughed. "That was too much even for me. But why would you take a photo of that? Why ruin every beautiful little thing in life by the obsessive need to observe it and then share it with thousands of people on the internet?"

Guang Hong nodded. "We should be careful. So, I'm gonna go back to my room, now. I'll see you tomorrow, Leo."

"Hey, Guang Hong? Fuck his brains out."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure this is quite as terrible, horrible, no good, or very bad as advertised.


	9. Guang Hong's Complaint

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Day 3 on their trip to Hawaii.

**HAWAII - DAY 3**

Guang Hong woke up the next morning next to the love of his life: the king-size bed he was sleeping on. He had been sick of sleeping on a couch, but a couple nights into his trip, he was already feeling like Leo's apartment was merely a dream. He stretched out in his bed, nude, being careful not to wake up Greg, also nude and still sound asleep. He enjoyed Greg--in fact, this past week had been exhilarating--but felt a little guilty for being dishonest with him about what he'd been doing with Leo. He figured their relationship wasn't *that* serious (they were each paying their own way, and he figured it was basically like taking a trip with a friend), and that maybe the best thing for now was to keep the different parts of his life separate. Of course, this strategy ultimately served to feed the hunger deep inside him, the thrill of sharing two guys and sneaking around, of being a pure sexual animal after years of being repressed. The horses had been let out of the stable, and who knows where they would end up. 

Guang Hong turned his head to the clock. It was still early, but he figured he should head downstairs and see if there was something to eat.

* * *

Guang Hong got dressed and wandered downstairs into the living room of the bed-and-breakfast. He saw an Asian-American guy in his mid-20s, who was a little bit taller than Leo.

" _Aloha. Did you sleep well?_ " asked the guy, who spoke in that hushed voice that bed-and-breakfast hosts have where it's like they're treating everyone as if they're constantly recovering from a hangover and need the warmest, coziest environment in the world in which to recover. 

"Uh, yeah, I slept fine."

" _I'm sorry, I should introduce myself. I'm Kai, the son of the owner of this house. He's away this week. And you must be...?_ "

"Guang Hong. I'm a figure skater." He said this reflexively, but wondered if he should've not mentioned being a figure skater since part of the internet currently suspected he and Leo were a couple, and he didn't want people he met in person to look online and find out about it. But Guang Hong had a lot of secrets to keep track of, secrets about what he just did with Leo that he was keeping from Greg, secrets about being in a gay relationship that he was keeping from just about everyone else, secrets about all the crazy stuff Leo did which he was reasonably sure he was supposed to keep confidential, secrets about his internet search history, etc., etc. The branch of mathematics needed to keep track of all of Guang Hong's secrets hasn't yet been invented. 

" _Ooh! A figure skater! That sounds awesome!_ " said Kai, still in a hushed voice. " _So, do you, like, skate?_ "

"Uh, yes."

" _I'm so sorry, that's a dumb question. Do you enjoy it?_ "

"Yeah, it's a lot of fun. I placed third in Skate America."

" _Wow! That's amazing! It's great when you get to do what you love for a living. So, is this your first time in Hawaii?_ "

"Yeah, I've never been before. It's great!"

" _That's great. So, what brought you to Hawaii? Are you here by-- I think you're sharing a room, right?_ "

"Uh, it's complicated." _Wait, no,_ thought Guang Hong. "I mean, yes, with Greg Nowacki. Leo de la Iglesia is in a separate room. He's a figure skater too."

"Oh, that's great! I had a boyfriend who was into skateboarding," said Kai, slipping out of his bed-and-breakfast hushed voice and into a normal conversational voice. Guang Hong's ears perked at the word "boyfriend". Kai looked into Guang Hong's eyes, which made Guang Hong feel simultaneously weak (but in a good way) and hard. "But I guess that's not really the same thing, right?"

Guang Hong blushed and laughed. "No."

"So, the three of you just decided to take a trip to Hawaii?"

"Greg inherited some money from his grandmother, and decided to take a trip. I decided to come along too, and so did Leo."

"That's nice. Where are you from?"

"I'm from China. Leo and Greg are from Detroit."

"So I'm guessing Leo you know from skating. Is Greg a skater?"

"Uh, no, he's a friend of Leo. We, uh..." Guang Hong's face turned red as he wondered what he should keep secret or make public. "We just started dating."

"Oh! Well, I hope you and your boyfriend or whatever have a great time here."

"Which one?" 

"The, uh... pardon me?"

"Oh! No, I meant, uh--" Guang Hong laughed and looked around to check if anyone else was around to hear him. "I mean, uh, it's complicated. I mean, it's not complicated. I, uh--"

"You don't have to explain. Whatever the situation is, I wish you the best," Kai said, and smiled as he looked into Guang Hong's eyes. "Of course, if you want to talk about it some more, you can come with me into the kitchen."

"Oh, okay."

"Is there anything you'd like for breakfast? It's a little bit early, but I can start cooking now."

"Oh, uh, crepes?"

"I don't like to brag, but my crepes are _out of this world_ ," said Kai, and Guang Hong's heart melted. 

They discussed what kind of crepes Guang Hong wanted, and they went into the kitchen. 

"So tell me about Leo. Do you enjoy working with him?" asked Kai, as he gathered ingredients and supplies. 

"Yeah, we've been friends for a while. He's funny. He's a great figure skater. He's into music, in fact, he and Greg were in a band together in high school."

"What kind of music?"

"Oh, I don't know. Some kind of rock music. He listens to all sorts of things, though." 

"And how'd you meet Greg?"

"Oh, um, Leo and I were at a thing Greg's band was performing at. I actually got to sing a Green Day song on stage."

"Wow! That must've felt cool."

"Yeah, it was. And afterward, Greg approached me, and..." Guang Hong laughed. "I guess he just asked me if I wanted to make out with him, and I said yes, and so we did." Guang Hong's voice was nervous with excitement as he retold this story. 

"Yeah, sometimes it's just that easy," said Kai. "Sometimes it's just two people and a kind of animal magnetism." Kai slowly stirred the crepe batter as he smiled and looked into Guang Hong's eyes. "So... do you want--"

"Yes," said Guang Hong, softly, as he moved closer. 

"...some powdered sugar on your crepes?"

"Oh, um, sure. That sounds good." Guang Hong stopped moving. 

"Okay," said Kai, laughing and smiling. "I will put powdered sugar _all over_ your crepes. I can see that you really enjoy _powdered sugar_ ," Kai said, as he looked down at Guang Hong's rock hard dick straining against his shorts. Guang Hong put his hands in his pockets and tried to do a better job of covering his dick. "In all seriousness, it's fun to flirt with a guy. Especially a cute guy like you."

Guang Hong blushed so hard that blood overshot the part of his brain that was used for rational decision-making and went right back downstairs. "Uadfjh," uttered Guang Hong. 

"So is Greg hot?"

"Yeah, he's pretty cute. You'll see him when he comes downstairs."

"Have you done anything yet with him?"

"Oh, um, we made out, we gave each other blowjobs, and I had sex with him." Guang Hong smiled. 

"Top or bottom?"

"I was a top."

"I'll be honest, I did not expect that," laughed Kai. "Are you a top with all the guys that you've been with?"

"Oh, I, uh, I've only had anal sex with him."

"Have you been with any other guys?"

"Oh, um..." Guang Hong smiled and looked away. 

"Leo?"

Guang Hong just smiled and blushed. 

"Really!?"

Guang Hong smiled and blushed again. 

"Oral, I'm guessing?"

Guang Hong nodded, having lost the capacity for spoken language that is one of the defining traits of the human species. 

"Wow, it's like you have to beat off guys everywhere you go, no pun intended. So, um," Kai said as he looked toward his prepared crepe batter and the heated-up pan. Kai stepped toward Guang Hong, just a foot away from him. "I'm ready to make your crepes, but if you, you know, want someone to take care of that first," Kai said, pointing down toward Guang Hong's dick, "I can help."

Guang Hong really wanted the thrill of being intimate with Kai, but figured he should save his orgasm so his weakened libido wouldn't make Greg suspicious later. "Why don't I take care of you instead? I need to save myself for later."

"That sounds awesome," said Kai. They leaned in and kissed for a minute or so. Then Guang Hong separated themselves, and knelt down in front of Kai, who had his back to the fridge. Kai unbuckled his shorts, and slid his shorts and boxers below his knees, exposing his dick which pointed straight out and already had a bead of pre-cum at the end. The thought of sucking off a complete stranger thrilled Guang Hong. Guang Hong grabbed the cock by the base and licked the salty pre-cum off the tip, then wet the underside with his tongue, before taking the whole thing inside his mouth. He bobbed back and forth a little, being careful not to touch his teeth to Kai's dick. "Oh, yeah," said Kai, softly. Kai put his hands on the sides of Guang Hong's head, gently pulling him, and sometimes running his fingers through Guang Hong's hair, almost like he was trespassing. Guang Hong didn't mind, even if it meant he'd have to brush it again. He felt Kai thrust his dick back and forth, fucking his face. Kai's breath was starting to quicken, and just as Guang Hong's jaw was starting to get tired, he felt Kai make one last thrust into his mouth. Kai's dick pulsated and squirted salty, bitter cum into Guang Hong's mouth. "Oh, holy shit," said Kai, softly. "Thank you so much."

Guang Hong removed Kai's cock from his mouth and swallowed his cum. On a whim, he kissed Kai's cock. He stood up. 

"Thank you so much," said Kai, as he cleaned himself up and put back on his shorts. "I really have to repay you before you leave. How long are you staying?"

"Uh, a few more days, I think."

"I'm in the first floor bedroom, right below yours. See me any time." Kai gave him a peck on the lips. 

It dawned on Guang Hong that Kai must have heard him and Greg earlier, although it was kind of an absurd thing to worry about given what just happened. Guang Hong felt giddy, but also the sense that he just made things massively more complicated by succumbing to temptation. 

They both heard footsteps in an adjacent room. "Well, it sounds like your friends are ready for breakfast," said Kai. "I should ask them what they want."

Greg ended up getting eggs benedict, while both Guang Hong and Leo got crepes, though Leo noted that only Guang Hong got a chocolate sauce smiley face on his crepe.

* * *

Just after breakfast, Guang Hong and Leo were in Leo's room, videochatting with Phichit on Skype. They were discussing how to deal with the scandal regarding Guang Hong and Leo being at a nude beach. 

"So," said Phichit, "your coaches have asked me to deal with this issue since, for some reason, I'm considered some kind of social media expert. So let me give you my first piece of advice as 'Social Media Expert Phichit Chulanont': Don't post a photo of the entrance to a nude beach on Instagram, then go to that nude beach, then get ticketed for being nude at that beach, if you don't want people to think that you guys were there. And definitely don't do it after sending out ambiguous tweets like 'Nothing happened last night, wink emoji' when everyone knows you and Guang Hong are staying together."

"Gotcha," said Leo. "One hundred percent. But we're already in this situation. What do we do now?"

"Well, on the one hand, no one has any firm evidence that you two are actually gay or together. On the other hand, you know how fans will speculate endlessly about things like this, and I have to admit I also can't help but wonder what's going on here. So, before we formulate a strategy, let's clear the air and make sure we're all on the same page. So...what's the situation? Why are you in Hawaii?"

"Well, you got us, we were having an orgy--" said Leo. 

"I'm gay," blurted out Guang Hong, "and I'm dating a friend of Leo's, and the three of us decided to just go to Hawaii."

Phichit smiled and nodded, trying to hide his surprise. "First, I appreciate that you felt comfortable in telling me that," said Phichit to Guang Hong. "My lips are sealed." Guang Hong smiled. "Uh, we'll have to figure out what we'll tell people, but we'll get to that later."

"Don't tell anyone," said Guang Hong.

"I won't," said Phichit. "So my next question is to Leo, assuming you can answer seriously this time. Leo, from what I've read on the internet, the beach you went to has a reputation for being predominantly gay and pretty cruisy. People are going to ask if you're secretly gay or maybe bi. How would you respond to these questions?"

"As far as how I identify," said Leo, "I would say that I am become death, destroyer of worlds."

Phichit sighed loudly and rubbed his forehead. "Uh, okay. Next question. Several days ago, you tweeted, 'Nothing happened last night', wink emoji. What did you do that night?"

Leo paused. "We were--"

"Nothing happened!" blurted out Guang Hong. 

They were silent as Phichit looked at Guang Hong, then at Leo, then at Guang Hong again. "Yeah, people might find that answer just a tad suspicious." Phichit paused. "Look, you might as well just tell me what happened. Leo, I assumed you were involved, right?"

Leo paused. "As I tried to tell you, we--"

"No!" said Guang Hong.

"...Okay," said Phichit, "well, let's go on to the next question, which is also for Leo. Some girl or lady on Twitter is saying you professed your love for Guang Hong in a late night tweet. People ignored her until the nude beach stuff came to light, but now they're saying she was right all along. I don't think anyone has a screenshot of your tweet, so it's your word against hers. Leo, is there any truth to this?"

Leo sighed. "Uh, I did tweet something saying Guang Hong was a good person," said Leo. Guang Hong's eyes opened wide upon hearing this. "I quickly deleted it, cause I didn't want people to make a big fuss over it."

"Do you remember what you said in the tweet?" said Phichit.

"Something about how the Earth resonates in Guang Hong's soul or something."

Phichit smiled. "That's actually...pretty touching. But people aren't always so understanding, and you know how it looks, saying something like that about another guy, just one day before leaving with him to Hawaii and going to a nude beach with him. So how would you respond to the claim that you made this tweet?"

"I would say that the Earth resonates in Guang Hong's soul."

"Okay, the brutally honest approach. Not bad. Of course, your story, overall, is basically that you said the Earth resonates in his soul, but also that you apparently had an orgy with him."

"That's right," said Leo.

"Leo, did you have an orgy?"

"Absolutely. You bet," said Leo with a smirk. "In fact, we went right up on the roof of my apartment building and sucked each other off." Guang Hong felt like he was about to have a heart attack. 

"Leo, don't you think you're being just a little bit inappropriate? I mean, Guang Hong is obviously uncomfortable."

"Look, Phichit," said Leo, more seriously, "this is about strategy. Sometimes you just have to plow ahead."

"Okay, whatever, Leo. You do you."

"I can't. I'm not Steve Bannon."

Phichit was baffled. "Oh, this is impossible. Look, I would argue that what works for you, Leo, isn't necessarily going to work for Guang Hong. So let me address you, Guang Hong. First things first. Guang Hong, do you feel comfortable with the public knowing your sexual orientation, or would you like to keep that private?"

"Private, definitely," said Guang Hong. 

"Okay, then we basically have two strategies. One is to not mention anything, and to just be all 'skating, skating, skating' all the time. Another is to deflect criticism by, say, dating a girl. How would your boyfriend feel about that?"

"It's complicated," said Guang Hong. "Very complicated."

"Are you two out, like, in-person, to people you happen to meet?"

"Pr...ossibly?"

"Does he know about your social media issues? Does he know the reason why you're talking with me right now?"

"Nnnnyes?"

"Uh, okay. Is there anything else big that you haven't told me about? Any secrets that might leak out?"

Guang Hong thought about Kai, the guy he just sucked off and divulged much of the details of his sex life to. "Mmmmmo? I mean, no. Maybe. I mean, maybe not. I mean, no, nothing. Nothing at all."

Phichit sighed. "You know, coming up with a public relations strategy to cover for a scandal is a little like wrapping a present. If you have no idea what it is you're wrapping, then you just have to choose the biggest possible box and hope for the best. So--"

"That's nothing at all like wrapping a present," said Leo. 

"Leo, when are you returning from Hawaii?"

"Uh, three days from now."

"Good. When I get to Detroit next week, I am going to strangle you."

"That's inappropriate, Phichit. You're a bad role model for your hamsters. You're a bad hamsterdad."

"Look, I am just going to tell your coaches that I can't continue to do this for free. I quit. I'll see you next week. I'm sure we'll have lots of fun, even if we apparently won't be able to get our stories straight afterward! Guang Hong, once again, good luck to you and your new boyfriend, I'm sincerely glad you were brave enough to come out to me, and I wish you the best. And Leo...good luck, you're going to need it. Bye, guys. Phichit out."

* * *

That afternoon, after stopping to buy some swimsuits for Leo, they went cliff jumping on one of the milder spots on Oahu's north shore. Guang Hong was terrified at first, but then fell in love with the thrill of it, as did Leo and Greg. Many good jumps (and a few bad ones) later, they left, got dinner, and returned to the bed and breakfast. 

Guang Hong entered Leo's bedroom and saw Leo on his bed, looking at his laptop. 

"Hey, Guang Hong," said Leo. "Did you know our fans already have a ship name for us?"

"What is it?" asked Guang Hong as he sat next to Leo. 

"'Gueo'. Anyway, I don't think this whole thing is *that* big of a deal. Maybe we should just let it take its course, and just make sure we don't post anything else stupid."

Guang Hong scooted over and leaned against Leo's side. 

"There's already a ton of artwork of the two of us. Disappointingly G-rated. Except for this one."

Guang Hong turned and wrapped his arms and one of his legs around Leo, as he looked over Leo's shoulder at the screen. He rubbed Leo's chest and abs with one of his hands. 

"I should tweet out some cliff-jumping photos. Guang Hong, could you move? It's kinda hard to get at my phone when you're hugged up against my body like that." Guang Hong moved behind Leo, and Leo got out his phone and tweeted some photos. "There. Perfectly normal photos for a perfectly normal trip to Hawaii. Now, I'm guessing the reason why you're rubbing against me like a cat that hasn't seen its owner in a month is because you want a little treat before you go back to Greg, is that right?"

"That's right," said Guang Hong. 

Leo turned back toward Guang Hong, and they made out, soon stretching back onto the bed, rotating so that Guang Hong was on top, straddling Leo. Guang Hong started grinding against Leo, hungrily, almost aggressively. Guang Hong stopped and took off his shirt. So did Leo. They continued kissing and grinding, then Guang Hong moved his head to the side and closed his eyes, taking in Leo's scent and not wanting his dry-humping session with Leo to end. It just felt so good, and despite the constraints of his shorts, the more he thrusted, the better it felt. He kept thrusting, and he felt like he was about to cum, but he just wanted to enjoy it some more, and so he kept thrusting, until finally he came inside his shorts. He laid on top of Leo, staying in that brief period of calm before he'd have to move and feel the stickiness of the inside of his shorts. 

"Oh, shit," Guang Hong whispered. "Oh, shit."

"Huh. Guess you're going to need a clean pair of boxers," said Leo with a chuckle. 

"Shit. Greg is going to find out."

"Calm down. You just need a shower and a clean pair of boxers."

"I just took a shower after returning from cliff jumping. He'll get suspicious if I take another one."

"Um, okay. You can use my shower. If he asks, we can say I was the one using it."

"...Okay." Guang Hong ran to use Leo's shower.

* * *

Soon after, Leo sat on his bed looking at his laptop while Guang Hong was taking a shower in his bathroom, and Leo heard a knock on his door. He put on a shirt and answered it. "Oh, hi, Greg."

"Hey, Leo. Have you seen Guang Hong?"

Leo suddenly realized he had screwed up the plan by answering the door, since he could no longer claim *he* was the one taking a shower. He felt that he was in a sticky situation, but mostly that was just from some of Guang Hong's cum somehow getting on his abs. "Uh, nope."

"Who's in the shower?"

"No one. I'm doing a sound recording for an ice skating performance where the theme is taking a shower. I'm punning on the phrase 'snow shower'. Actually, I'll probably have to restart since the recording is picking up our voices." Leo walked inside to grab a tissue for the cum on his abs, and surreptitiously wiped under his shirt. Greg followed Leo into the room. 

The shower shut off. 

"That's weird," said Greg. "Our shower doesn't just shut off by itself. Does yours?"

"Oh, maybe," said Leo, as he walked toward the bathroom door. "Probably some water saving measure." He faced the door, as if staring in thought. "You know, not to change the subject completely, but I've really been on a Bob Dylan kick recently. What's your favorite Dylan song?"

"I don't know, I'm not really into his music."

"Well, my favorite song of his is, 'Crawl Out Your Window'! I love 'Crawl Out Your Window'! It's so evocative. The imagery. I mean, the way he describes that window that you should crawl out of!"

"What the fuck are you talking about, Leo?"

"I like that song! I just *really* like that song!"

"You know what else is a good song?"

"What?"

"'What Have I Done To Deserve This?' By the Pet Shop Boys."

"That is a good song."

"Where's Guang Hong?"

Leo shrugged. "I don't know. I mean, we can look in the bathroom if you'd like?"

"Sure, let's do that."

"Okay, I am opening the door now." Leo stretched his door-opening muscles in his arms, then slowly rotated the doorknob and opened the door. No one was in the shower, nor were there any clothes on the floor. Leo stepped in and looked around. The window over the toilet was open, but nothing was amiss. "See? Look for yourself."

Greg stepped in and took a look. "Huh. I guess Guang Hong might be downstairs. You should close the window, by the way. Hawaii apparently has a lot of bugs."

* * *

At that moment, Guang Hong was sitting outside of the bathroom window, naked and wet, on the bit of roof that slanted down from all of the 2nd floor windows and balconies. It was dark outside except for light from the window and a little bit from streetlamps, and Guang Hong had scooted to the side so he wouldn't be seen from inside the bathroom. His shorts and cum-stained boxers were next to him; in his haste to exit the window, he had simply carried them with him, but hadn't considered how awkward it would be to put them on while sitting on a slanted roof. He sat calmly, looking out at the surrounding houses and hoping they wouldn't notice him at something like 10pm at night. 

A few minutes later, Leo quietly called out to him from inside the bathroom. "The coast is clear."

Guang Hong crawled back inside the bathroom, and put on his shorts. He handed his boxers to Leo to hold onto, then put back on his T-shirt and went to his and Greg's room. 

On entering his room, Guang Hong saw the love of his life (the bed) being laid on by Greg, who was looking at something on his phone. 

"Oh, hey, Guang Hong. Where were you?" asked Greg. 

"I was out on a walk."

"Oh, nice. By the way, what does 'Gueo?' mean?" 

Guang Hong flopped down face-first on the bed next to Greg. "Uh, I don't know."

"Leo tweeted photos from the cliff-jumping with hashtag 'Gueo'. I wonder what that means. I'll have to ask him about it later." 

Greg crawled on top of Guang Hong, rubbing himself against his back, kissing the side of his neck, and running his fingers through his hair. Guang Hong, despite being exhausted, quickly reached about 9.3 on the Mohs scale. He smiled, thinking not only of the guy dry-humping his butt right now and everything they might do soon, but also the guy he sucked off this morning, and the guy he dry-humped so much he came in his pants. He wondered if his life could be like this all the time.

"So," said Greg, "you want to try bottoming this time? Or maybe you could be a top again."

"I want all three," complained Guang Hong. 

"There were only two choices."

Guang Hong smirked. "Oh, right. I'll try bottoming first."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there's a like 30% chance Guang Hong will eventually end up doing a PSA for sex addiction.


	10. Shear and Loathing in Honolulu

**HAWAII - DAY 4**

The next morning, Leo woke a little bit early and exited his room to see if breakfast was ready. He saw Guang Hong exit his room as well, and they walked down together to the living room.

Kai was sitting on the couch leafing through a travel magazine about Hawaii when he saw Guang Hong and Leo. " _Good morning!_ " he said in his hushed voice. " _Did you sleep well?_ "

"Surprisingly well, actually," said Leo. "I think I'm finally adapted to Honolulu time."

" _That's great! And you, Guang Hong?_ "

"I slept pretty well. Greg's not yet up." Guang Hong smiled devilishly. "Um, I was going to ask you, you mentioned you owed me a favor?"

Kai smiled back. "I think we have some time. Why don't we discuss things further in my room?"

"What's the favor?" asked Leo.

"Well, it's kind of a private matter, to be honest," said Kai.

Meanwhile, Leo noticed that Guang Hong was smiling and rubbing his crotch in a way that Kai couldn't possibly have missed. "I...see," said Leo. Guang Hong and Kai got up and walked quickly to Kai's bedroom.

Leo was concerned. It seemed like the center-of-ass of whatever love polygon was going on had shifted away from him, and he was starting to get jealous again. Also, Guang Hong seemed to be getting sloppy. He knew Kai for less than two days, and already had something sexual going on between them. Leo had nothing against promiscuity (especially with someone as hot as Kai), or against cheating on Greg, but if Guang Hong wanted to keep his sexual orientation hidden from the public, having sex with guys he just met didn't seem like the best way to do that. Leo also didn't want to deal with the potential mess of Greg finding out.

Just then, Greg walked down the stairs toward the couch where Leo was sitting.

"Hey, Leo," said Greg. "Do you know where Guang Hong is?"

"Oh, he, uh, went for a walk. He'll be back before breakfast."

"Alright."

"So I was thinking of our plans for today. We've spent a lot of time at beaches and stuff. I was thinking about walking around different neighborhoods, maybe starting with the University of Hawaii?"

Greg paused. "Yeah, that sounds like a change of pace. We can do that this morning."

"Sounds good."

Greg started walking away, then turned around. "Oh, by the way, Leo, I noticed your tweet last night, with the cliff-jumping photos, and I noticed you used this hashtag 'Gueo'. So I clicked on it, and it's almost like there's this cult devoted to the idea that you and Guang Hong are romantically involved with each other. Apparently they got this idea from Guang Hong posting something about being at that beach we went to, which apparently was a nude beach-- I have nothing against nude beaches, but you see how inviting him to things like that makes life complicated?"

"Sure."

"Anyway, and then you made the news because you got ticketed there."

"Yeah, I used that 'Gueo' hashtag as a joke. The whole thing's ridiculous."

"Okay, that's what I figured. But please don't do that. I realize Guang Hong wants to keep things reasonably private, but if people get an idea, it should be that *we're* together, not you two."

"Right. Hashtag 'Gueg', not hashtag 'Gueo'."

"Or no hashtag, which would be even better. Anyway, I'll be in my room, and I'll be back for breakfast."

"Okay, see you then."

* * *

After breakfast, they parked near the University of Hawaii at Manoa, and wandered around for some time.

"Alright," said Greg. "Looks like a pretty typical campus. Was there anything in particular you wanted to see?"

"It does look pretty typical," said Leo. "I don't know, I just wanted to absorb some of the local culture, but yeah, maybe we should go to the historic part of Honolulu instead. Let me just stop in this building here to use the restroom."

They all entered the chemistry building. Greg and Guang Hong waited in the lobby, while Leo went to find a restroom.

Leo went down the hall and around a corner. There was a restroom, but it was out-of-order. Apparently, construction was being done in this part of the building, so Leo kept walking in search of an area that wasn't under renovation. At some point he suddenly got lost, in the same way that one year suddenly becomes the next. He passed the 2nd chase on the 3rd corridor, then the 5th chase on the 4th corridor, and then the 2nd chase on the 3rd corridor again. Cavernous echoes and echoing caverns surrounded him.

He checked his phone. Holy crap, it was half an hour later. Cell phone reception was nonexistent, so no wonder Greg and Guang Hong hadn't contacted him. The realm he was in was beyond Reason, and the elevators didn't work either. He passed numerous chemistry labs which seemed abandoned on a first glance through their windows, the floors and lab benches being stained by time and God-knows-what.

On the floor, Leo noticed a flier that had been dropped, which had a silhouette of a sheep and the words "WELCOME TO THE PETTING ZOO". "Huh, it's today at 8pm," Leo said as he read it. He couldn't find a location, though.

Leo looked to his left. "Thank God!" he said as he spotted a men's room. He was tired and a little dehydrated. He went inside.

Leo used the urinal and washed his hands. "Guang Hong's probably wondering where I am," he muttered out loud.

As he moved to get a paper towel, he inadvertently triggered one of the motion-sensitive soap dispensers, which let out an inquisitive mechanical sound: ER-RMMM?

Leo paused, then chuckled. "Yes, I'm sure he cares enough about me to be concerned," he said, responding in jest to the soap dispenser.

As he moved again, the soap dispenser triggered again: ER-RMMM?

"I mean, certainly, his loyalties are divided, with Greg, and apparently 'Kai' or whatever his name is, but he's not going to just spend all his time with whichever random guy he meets next, is he?"

ER-RMMM?

"To be fair, I would've done the same thing, but the bond *we* have is deeper than some momentary fling."

A second soap dispenser with a deeper, more skeptical sound was triggered: EHRMM-MM.

Leo turned and looked at it. "I'm not sure I like your attitude. Last night he came to *my* room, and dry-humped me so hard he came in his shorts. I mean, yes, he's probably doing the same thing with Kai, but Guang Hong and I have practiced together for *years*, we've put sweat, tears, and especially *blood* into skating. Do you know who was there for him when he sprained his ankle? It wasn't Kai."

The first soap dispenser sounded: ER-RMMM?

"Of course it's relevant. I mean, yes, logically, we're talking about two different kinds of behavior, sexual love versus something deeper, and I guess human beings such as myself are some of the worst at understanding human behavior, but still, I--"

A toilet in the stall behind him flushed, and a student exited the stall and ran out of the bathroom without washing his hands.

Leo paused. "Well, we'll just have to agree to disagree. Anyway, clearly I need some water." He turned on the sink and drank from his cupped hands.

ER-RMMM?

"I agree, some lemon would be nice."

Leo dried his hands and ignored further commentary from the soap dispensers as he exited the restroom. He stood in the hall and looked around him, then shrugged and decided to just turn right and see if it led anywhere.

Around the corner, he overheard some voices, a couple of girls in their mid-20s. He leaned against the wall and eavesdropped:

"So, are you going to that Petting Zoo thing?" asked Girl #1.

Girl #2 laughed. "Oh, God, I'm swamped with stuff I need to do, but I... just... don't... care anymore! Whatever. What gets done, gets done. Who gives a shit. I'm going to make it a priority to have some fun. So, yes, I'm going."

"I *so* know what you mean. But this thing sounds pretty weird. It's called the 'Petting Zoo'. You're sure it isn't some weird fetish thing?"

"No, no, no. It's, uh... Let me start from the beginning. Um... did you hear some years back that researchers managed to make glow-in-the-dark pigs by introducing jellyfish DNA to pig embryos?"

"I think so."

"Well, the technique needed to do that was pioneered on this campus, at the Institute for Biogenesis Research in the School of Medicine. So, they've expanded that research to include-- Well, you know how some frogs and toads have skin which excretes psychedelic substances?"

"Sure."

"In fact, some birds and mammals can also have toxins on their fur or feathers, though that's generally from what they eat. Anyway, they've apparently genetically engineered sheep to produce drugs in their wool, and there's this secret side-project-- Well, it's all secret. Don't tell anyone about this, or people will get in trouble."

"I won't."

"So it's all secret, but then there's this even more secret side-project where the sheep produce these psychedelic excretions in their skin, and then it gets on their wool. You can actually get pretty stoned just by petting it, you need to use special gloves to handle it."

"So...how does the sheep not get, you know, constantly stoned?"

"Apparently it builds up a tolerance? I'm not sure, but anyway, it's super top secret, I don't think even the professor in charge of the lab knows about this side-project. But there's going to be a party, where everyone there will apparently get to pet the sheep. I don’t plan on touching the sheep, it sounds like it might be pretty intense, but pretty much everyone I know is going. It has blown up. It even has its own Discord."

"Sounds pretty wild. You're sure this isn't just some prank?"

"While I wouldn't be *completely* surprised if this were all one big prank, there are a lot of grad students who are involved. Not just in Chemistry or Medicine, but even some in the Art Department."

"So if it's supposed to be so secret, why are there these fliers?"

"I have no fucking idea. It doesn't seem that smart to me, but what do I know. I guess whoever made them was petting the sheep at the time."

Girl #1 giggled. "Oh my God, this is going to be so crazy. Where is it?"

Girl #2 told her the address. Leo scribbled it on his hand.

* * *

"So let me get this straight," said Greg. Greg, Leo, and Guang Hong were eating lunch at a fast food burger place. "You just happened to overhear that there was going to be this party, featuring a sheep whose wool has some psychedelic drug in it that you can absorb through your skin by petting it, is that right?"

"That is correct," said Leo.

"I don't believe you."

"I have the address." Leo showed Greg the writing on his hand.

Greg shrugged. "All right, we can check it out."

Leo paused. "Really?" he said skeptically. "I tell you there's a party with some psychedelic sheep, and you're all like, 'okay, let's go'?"

"Yeah, I'm fine with it. Let's see what's there."

"Are you going to pet it?"

"Oh, God. Look, I don't give a rat's ass. Let's just see what it is, maybe make some chitchat with the sheep, ask it about the local music scene, thank it for its hospitality, and then go back to the bed and breakfast."

"What about you, Guang Hong?" asked Leo. "Are you going to pet it?"

Guang Hong shrugged uncertainly. "Sure, I'll pet the sheep."

"You sure? Could be pretty intense."

Guang Hong shrugged.

* * *

That evening, after spending the afternoon at a beach, Leo, Guang Hong, and Greg arrived at the house party. Rave music could be heard from inside the house.

"Well, *somethings* going on," said Greg.

"Good thing we took a taxi," said Leo. "There's no way we would've found parking."

Leo entered the house, followed by Guang Hong and Greg. It was hot, dimly lit, and sweaty, and hard to avoid bumping into other people's bodies. Many people had red solo cups. Some guys were shirtless. A guy handed Leo a printout, which was crumpled and sweaty. Leo looked at it:

**RULES FOR THE PETTING ZOO**

#1. The Petting Zoo never happened.

#2. Be kind to Molly, our Ovine friend. Her coat contains biamylalkylamine (BAAA), which she generously provides for our spiritual nourishment. BAAA can be absorbed by petting her coat.

#3. Form an orderly queue to pet the sheep. No line-cutting!

#3. Don't pet for more than ten seconds. Ten seconds is plenty to feel the effects of BAAA, which will appear about 15 minutes after petting.

#4. Do not rub the sheep with anything other than your hands. As much as you may want to hug the sheep, we do not want Molly to be disturbed.

#5. Be kind to your friends, especially those who are overwhelmed by the effects of BAAA.

[in writing:] pass it on

Leo took a photo of the printout, then looked around for Greg. He then noticed a text from Greg, who said he was going to take a walk and see if there was a place to eat nearby. Guang Hong was also missing. Leo handed the printout to some random guy, and wandered throughout the house.

There was a living room with something on TV that no one was paying attention to, a kitchen with empty pizza boxes on a table, a room full of people dancing, etc. Leo found the back door and exited it. The backyard was also full of people (though he didn't see Guang Hong), and had a campfire and a large tent set up with people entering and exiting it.

Leo entered the tent. The inside was filled with a crowd of people, so densely packed he couldn't see what was in front of them. The tent was lit by a couple of halogen lamps clamped to tentpoles. On the walls were posters with artwork reminiscent of Takashi Murakami's painting of flowers with smiley faces, except with sheep instead of flowers. Leo decided to see what was over the crowd of people by lifting his phone overhead and taking a photo. Leo looked at it. _So there *is* a sheep!_ thought Leo. _No line, though. Looks like it's everyone for themselves._ Leo waited a few minutes, but the crowd wasn't moving much, so he exited the tent and decided to try again later.

Leo walked over to the campfire, around which a dozen or so people were sitting around and chatting. Leo found an open spot and sat down. He turned to the girl next to him, who was listening to someone else's conversation.

"Hey, I'm Leo. So what bring you here?"

"Hi, I'm Kayla. I'm a bio grad student. A friend of mine told me about this party, and so I came."

"Nice. So, you get a chance to pet the sheep yet?"

Kayla laughed. "That seems a little intense for me. I'll stick with this." She gestured with the beer in her hand.

"This whole thing is pretty bizarre, isn't it?" said Leo. "I mean, there's got to be like a hundred grad students attending a party with a psychedelic sheep."

"They're not all grad students. I'm betting a least half are friend-of-friends-of-friends who heard there was this new drug. And who can resist getting high by petting a sheep?"

"You, apparently."

"Yeah, well, it wouldn't be completely without precedent for researchers to do psychedelics. There's Kary Mullis, for instance. He invented the polymerase chain reaction technique, possibly while under the influence of LSD, although he also, unfortunately, had a lot of kooky beliefs like AIDS and climate change denialism, as well as believing that he was visited by an extraterrestrial in the form of a fluorescent raccoon."

"What an asshole," said Leo.

Kayla laughed. "So what do you do? How'd you find out about this?"

"My name is Leo de la Iglesia, I am a figure skater. In fact, I won gold in Skate America."

"Really?!? Let me look you up." Kayla looked up Leo's name on her phone. "Wow!" she exclaimed. She laughed. "Looks like you had a run-in with the cops, though." She showed him her phone, which displayed a news article about him being ticketed for indecent exposure at a nude beach.

"Yeah, I was just minding my own business, but then they were patrolling and saw me, and decided to write me a ticket."

"That sucks. So, are you here to pet the sheep or something?"

"Yeah, once the line gets short enough, but first I'm wondering where my friend is. I guess he's still inside. Is there anything you can tell me about the drug on the sheep's wool?"

"I gather its effects are like either ecstasy or a low dose of LSD. It gets absorbed through the skin pretty quickly, and you start feeling its effects in something like 15 minutes." Kayla continued discussing the chemistry of the drug in the sheep's wool for some time, and biochemistry in general. "People think of seritonin as this chemical in the brain that causes happiness and pleasure, but in reality, it's part of all kinds of stuff, memory, blood clotting, regulating intestinal movements--it's used in most animals and even fungi and plants. It's funny how everything is connected like that, how things play multiple roles in different situations, and how you can't change one thing without causing all sorts of unintended consequences."

"That reminds me of airplane wifi," said Leo. "A hundred or so years ago, flying through the air and communicating to people across the world would've made you a god, but now we complain about the cost of it when it's only like ten bucks an hour. Throughout history, we're all born as basically blank slates, but we live in different contexts, so we act differently."

"That's interesting," said Kayla. "So, Leo, do you live around here?"

"No, me and a couple of friends are here on vacation."

"I like talking with you, Leo. Maybe if you have some free time tomorrow we could have coffee or something?"

Leo liked where this was going. "Yeah, that sounds great. What time are you--" Leo stopped talking when he saw Guang Hong walking up to him. He was without a shirt. "Uh, hey, Guang Hong. What've you been up to?"

Guang Hong sat down behind Leo, hugging him from behind. He rubbed his hands up and down Leo's chest while resting his chin on Leo's shoulder.

"Uh, okay," Leo said to Kayla. "This is Guang Hong, he's a friend of mine. Guang Hong, this is Kayla, she's a biology grad student at the university."

"Are you two, like, together?" asked Kayla.

"Oh, no no no," said Leo. "I'm single, and we're just friends."

"Wǒ xiànzài hěn gāoxìng," said Guang Hong to Leo.

"That's nice, Guang Hong," said Leo, "but I can't speak Chinese. What did you say?"

"You feel so soft, Leo."

"I am soft," said Leo, laughing. "Kayla, you want to touch?" Leo reached out his hand toward her.

"Stay back, he's mine," said Guang Hong to Kayla. Guang Hong kissed Leo's neck and eyed Kayla suspiciously.

"Don't mind him," said Leo to Kayla. "He doesn't bite. Much."

"You guys are weird," laughed Kayla. "In a good way." She reached out and lightly rubbed Leo's outstretched hand. "Wow, you are soft! I guess your friend was right."

"Yeah, well, I'm not always soft," said Leo. Kayla laughed. "Guang Hong, did you pet the sheep?"

"Yes," said Guang Hong. "It's a very good sheep."

"I can see."

"I love that sheep. And I love you."

Leo was not expecting that. Although he knew Guang Hong was probably feeling especially emotional because of that sheep drug, part of him felt like this is what it would've been like to be in an alternate universe where he had done things differently and they ended up as boyfriends. "Thank--"

"And I love Greg, and Kai, and this fire, and this grass. And I *love* this music," he said, referring to the rave music coming from inside the house.

"It's okay," said Leo. He thought it was unremarkable trance music, but he wondered about the affect of petting the sheep on one's ability to enjoy music. He had earbuds in his pocket, and he was wondering if maybe now was the time to test this out. "So I'm going to see if the line for petting the sheep has gotten shorter." He and Kayla exchanged numbers and agreed to text sometime tomorrow. He stood up, prying Guang Hong's limbs off of him.

"We should massage each others' faces," said Guang Hong.

"Maybe when I come back," said Leo.

Leo walked over to the tent. Sure enough, the crowd of people in front of the sheep had shrunk somewhat, and he could see between people well enough to see the sheep. The sheep was behind a fence and wore a lei around its neck. It was attended to by a grad student, a guy who wore rubber gloves and guided the sheep to the fence for people to pet it. _How are there still so many people?_ thought Leo. We waited impatiently for the crowd to move, and anticipated what it must be like to be under the influence of the sheep drug.

Suddenly, someone entered the tent and yelled: "The cops are here! Hide the sheep!"

"Where?" yelled the sheep handler.

"Anywhere! I don't know, maybe inside the house?"

The fence was opened and the sheep was guided through the crowd. "Move, move!" the sheep handler yelled to people who reached out to pet the sheep. The sheep seemed to be getting agitated. When they were almost out of the tent, the sheep suddenly bolted and got loose. Everyone ran out of the tent, including Leo, who saw the sheep run around the side of the house.

Leo ran to Guang Hong and Kayla, who were still sitting by the campfire. Guang Hong was hugging Kayla from behind. "Guys, the police are here! We should get going."

Guang Hong released himself from Kayla, stood up, and hugged Leo. "Carry me, Leo."

"Fine, whatever, but we have to move. Why don't you get on my back." Leo turned around and gave Guang Hong a piggy-back ride.

They walked around the side of the house to the front yard. Just then, Leo saw Greg walking down the street, on his way back to the house from wherever he had gone earlier. Leo waved goodbye to Kayla and walked to Greg.

"Hi, Leo," said Greg. "What's...happening?" Greg was confused as he looked over the front yard. Three police officers were trying capture a sheep. Meanwhile, dozens of partiers were streaming away from the house and toward the street.

"I'll explain everything later. But first, I got you a present," said Leo, and turned his back with Guang Hong on it toward Greg. "Merry Christmas." Guang Hong let go of Leo and hugged Greg.

The sheep darted past the police officers and ran down the street, where it departed into the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, I wasn't on "E" when I wrote this. "Y", you might ask? I'm afraid I don't remember what I was thinking, I just saw a photo of a herd of sheep, and like five seconds later I had the basic outline of the plot. I don't drink or do drugs, so this is about as realistic a depiction of recreational drug use as I can manage. 
> 
> Next chapter will be (more) normal, I promise.


	11. Continue Straight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leo and Guang Hong chat with Phichit about their social media issues. Later, Leo offers Guang Hong a taste of the dark side.

**HAWAII - DAY 5**

 

The next morning, Leo sat on his bed and connected to Phichit via Skype. 

"Hey, Leo. How's your day been?"

"Hey, Phichit. I woke up really early this morning. You know how cocks can be."

Phichit laughed. "Okay?"

"I'm talking about feral roosters, you pervert. I really wish they wouldn't crow so early in the morning. I don't hate them, though. They're actually kinda cute. I tried feeding them some sausage this morning, but the cocks or chickens or whatever apparently wandered elsewhere. I did feed my sausage to some pussies, though."

Leo paused. Phichit waited patiently.

"By which I mean feral cats, which are also a presence in Honolulu," said Leo. Phichit nodded. "Anyway, I got your text. I... thought you said you couldn't deal with us anymore, at least not for free, right?"

"Yes, well, your and Guang Hong's coaches have decided to offer me some compensation. My hamsters are basically set for life."

"That's like, what, a thousand dollars, total?"

"Only if you're cheap. Anyway, let's discuss what you're doing with your Twitter account. I-- hold on, where's Guang Hong?"

"Oh, he's still in bed. He's probably coming down right now."

"So maybe we should wait a few minutes until he's arrived."

"No, I meant he's 'coming down' in the sense that he's recovering from the effects of recreational drug use."

"What?!? Is he okay?"

"He'll probably be okay, though to be fair the drug is new and the long-term side-effects are not fully known."

"...Why?"

"I guess the researchers need to scale up testing from stoned grad students to the general population before they--"

"No, no, no, I mean, why are you guys in this situation? What's going on?"

"Oh, I invited him to this party, a party that I heard about while eavesdropping on a conversation at the University of Hawaii. The party had this genetically engineered sheep which had this psychedelic drug in its wool that gets absorbed through your skin if you pet it."

Phichit just stared at Leo. 

Leo continued. "Guang Hong petted the sheep. I would've, but the police came and the sheep escaped before I had a chance. Don't believe me? It made the news." Leo held up a newspaper, showing an article with the headline SHEEP WITH HALLUCENOGENIC WOOL ON THE LOOSE. "If you look closely, you can see me in the background of one of the photos, although the resolution's pretty low."

Phichit closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Leo, let me tell you a story. As you know, I spend part of my time teaching children how to skate. One of the kids I've taught was a boy, around five years old, and whenever he got the chance, he would punch me in the balls. Leo, it was easier to deal with him then, than to deal with you now."

"That's a nice story, Phichit."

"Is Guang Hong okay? Have you considered, I don't know, bringing him to the hospital to be checked out?"

"I mean, he's been baa-ing more than usual."

"Leo!"

"Alright, look. Based on the newspaper article, the drug should behave similarly to MDMA. Some users of MDMA feel tired and depressed for a couple of days afterward, but reports vary and many users seem to be fine. I have no personal experience with MDMA, so I couldn't say." Leo shrugged. "Of course, if you were to ask me about shrooms--"

Just then, Guang Hong entered Leo's room and sat next to him. "Hi, Phichit," said Guang Hong to the laptop. "I got your text."

"Hey, Guang Hong. Leo told me what happened last night. How are you feeling?"

"Uh, not too bad, got plenty of sleep."

"You're sure you're fine? You don't need to get checked out or anything?"

"Well, I'm hungry, I missed breakfast, but other than that, I feel fine. What did Leo say?"

Leo spoke. "I told him about that party we went to with the psychedelic sheep."

"Ooh..." said Guang Hong. 

"Well, Guang Hong, glad to hear you're okay," said Phichit. "Anyway, now that we're all on the same page, let's discuss your social media issues. The first thing I want to bring up is this weird tweet Leo made last night, a tweet which consists solely of a sheep emoji. At first I was baffled, but now things are falling into place. I still have one question, though. Leo, why do you insist on making our lives difficult?"

Leo took a deep breath. "It is important in life not to be too cautious, not to be chained to normalcy by the fear of making waves or upsetting the faint of heart. The spirit of adventure is *precious*. Just think of Vivian Fuchs, who in 1958 led the team that made the first complete overland crossing of Antarctica. What would we be doing to the spirit of adventure that Fuchs embodied if we just slid into living conventional, easy lives? We need to *nourish* the spirit of adventure... for Fuchs' sake."

Phichit rolled his eyes. "Well, you can't have adventures if you don't have money, and you won't have money if you scare your sponsors away."

"Oh, right."

"Who are your sponsors, by the way?"

"Uh, you know, the usual suspects: Pepsi, Thomson's Blades, Gamma-Rockefeller NanoDevice Manufacturing Concern, and so forth. Oh, and I'm in negotiations with the Detroit Antifa."

"Okay, well, I'm guessing your sponsors would be concerned if you appeared to be taking illegal drugs, or promoting illegal drug use, or, I don't know, appearing in photos in the newspaper of a party where the police were cracking down on illegal drug use."

"First, I am being careful, which is why I tweeted a sheep emoji and not, like, a 12-page confession. Second, technically, the drug use was legal, since the drug is too new to be the subject of legislation."

Phichit looked blankly at Leo. "Look, just stop tweeting stupid things, okay?"

"No."

"If you're not going to think about your sponsors, then at least think about Guang Hong. Two days ago, you tweeted photos of you guys cliff jumping, which is good, but then you added the hashtag 'Gueo', which apparently is a ship name for you and Guang Hong. Fans practically exploded with excitement when you did that. Now, Guang Hong has said he wants his sexual orientation to be private, so I'm betting he's uncomfortable with this attention, is that right, Guang Hong?"

"I'm fine with it," said Guang Hong. "I don't think it's a big deal."

"...Alright," said Phichit. "Actually, that reminds me. Guang Hong, I have to admit I'm confused by the selfie you posted on Instagram last night. You don't come across as a touchy-feely guy on social media, and yet here's this photo of you, shirtless, sitting down and wrapping your arms around a girl from behind. A lot of people are wondering if you're dating this girl."

"Oh," said Guang Hong, rubbing his forehead. "Oh, okay, I remember now."

"Her name's Kayla," said Leo. "She's a grad student. I was talking to her at the party, and we're meeting again tonight. Guang Hong got pretty affectionate last night under the influence of that sheep drug. He kept hugging and petting people."

"Okay," said Phichit. "Now, Guang Hong, on the one hand, you could just leave the photo alone. Her face isn't visible in the photo, so she's basically anonymous, and deleting the post would just raise further questions, not to mention the post basically dispels the 'Gueo' rumors. Of course you'd have to explain things to your boyfriend, if you haven't already. On the other hand, the simplest and most respectful thing to the girl you were with, is to simply remove the photo. That's what I'd recommend."

"Okay, I'll remove that post."

"My advice to you, in general, is, don't use social media while high. That's something I'd expect Leo to do, but you're better than that."

"Okay, I won't," said Guang Hong.

Phichit took out his phone and looked at it. "Leo? Could you please not tweet 'Phichit is a stupidpants' while we're having a meeting?"

"Fine, I'll delete it," said Leo. 

"Dammit, my mentions are going to be swamped." Phichit sighed. "Anyway, nice talking to you guys again. I look forward to seeing you guys when I get to Detroit. Phichit out."

* * *

After their chat with Phichit, Guang Hong went downstairs with Leo at Leo's request. Greg remained in his room looking up places to eat for lunch. Guang Hong and Leo sat down on the couch. 

"So," said Leo, leaning back and smiling, "I'm wondering if you'd like to try something. I mentioned earlier that Kayla was going to be coming over tonight to see me. She'll be spending the night with me, if you get my drift. I texted with her this morning, flirting with her, and brought up the possibility of you joining us. She said she might be interested."

Guang Hong's heart beat faster. 

"Maybe you could watch us, maybe you could, I don't know, suck my dick or something while she watches, or maybe you'll even be able to do something with her. I mean, you're gay, but you have to admit that the most perverted, filthy, kinky, fucked up thing that a gay guy like yourself could do, is to do it with a girl."

Guang Hong couldn't deny that his heart was beating faster, and that his dick was getting hard. It was like Leo was dangling this forbidden pleasure in front of him. Guang Hong thought it would be really hot to have Leo watch him fucking a girl. He would be so masculine, just fucking his girl doggy-style, so masculine that maybe Leo would get turned on while watching him. Of course, the only thing more masculine than guy-on-girl was guy-on-guy, and Guang Hong fantasized about sucking Leo's dick after Leo fucked her, just cleaning it off with his t--

"Hello? Is Guang Hong there?" laughed Leo as he waved in front of Guang Hong's face. 

"Ha ha, what?" said Guang Hong.

"I asked if you might be interested in joining us if she says it's okay. Are you interested?"

Guang Hong nervously cleared his throat. "Yes, I'm interested."

* * *

After lunch, they were on their way to a beach on the north shore of Oahu. Guang Hong was in the rental car next to Greg, who was driving, and Leo, who was in the back seat. 

Guang Hong was nervous about what doing stuff with Leo and Kayla might be like. Despite his excitement, he was under no illusion that he was straight. With the exception of a girl he knew when he was 10, every one of his crushes had been male. Thus, he figured he needed to do some research. 

The words "Continue straight" sounded from Greg's phone, which he was using for directions. 

"You know," said Greg, "I always get a little insulted whenever Google Maps calls me 'straight'. It's like it's saying, 'Continue, _straight_.' I mean, it's like if Google Maps told a straight person to 'turn left, _gay_.' What do you think, Guang Hong?"

"Uh, what?" said Guang Hong, looking up from his phone where he had been searching for "how to perform oral sex on a woman".

* * *

That evening, after an afternoon at the beach followed by dinner, they returned to the bed and breakfast. Guang Hong snuck into the downstairs bathroom to apply a substantial amount of Axe Body Spray, which he read online was something guys used to attract girls. He then exited the bathroom and was about to go up to Leo's room to wait with Leo for Kayla to arrive, when he bumped into Kai. 

"Hey, Guang Hong," said Kai, smiling. Guang Hong once again felt that pleasant weakness that he got whenever he looked into Kai's eyes. "I guess I missed you this morning. How has your day been going? No problems with your room?"

"Oh, hey, Kai," said Guang Hong. "Everything's fine."

"I can't help but notice that you have a thing of Axe Body Spray in your hand. Is that for Greg?"

"Uh, well..." Guang Hong giggled and blushed.

"It's not for Leo, is it?"

Guang Hong blushed and giggled.

"Is it for me? Because I always liked your natural scent."

Guang Hong was feeling simultaneously weak and hard. "It's for a girl."

"A _girl_?" laughed Kai. "Have you gone over to the dark side? Or were you, like, halfway there already?"

"I might be joining Leo and her in a threesome."

Kai laughed again. "You guys are crazy."

Just then, Guang Hong got a text from Leo, saying that Kayla had changed her mind, that she didn't want to make things too complicated, and that it'd just be her and Leo in his room. "Oh," said Guang Hong with disappointment. "Well, it looks like I won't be able to join Leo and Kayla after all."

"Well, that's too bad," said Kai.

Guang Hong and Kai looked at each other. Guang Hong moved in for a kiss, but Kai kept his distance. 

"Once you've completely removed the scent of Axe Body Spray from your body," said Kai, "you can do _whatever_ you'd like with me. Anyway, I'll be in my room if you want me."

"Okay," said Guang Hong. "See you."

Kai walked to his room, while Guang Hong turned and walked upstairs, where he saw Kayla, who was heading downstairs. 

"Oh, hey, Leo's friend," said Kayla, somewhat awkwardly. "How's it-- Ooh! What an enchanting scent!"

"Oh, uh, hi, Kayla," said Guang Hong. 

They stood for a second, not saying anything. "You know," said Kayla, speaking slowly as if describing a new awareness that was descending onto her, "it's funny how sometimes you suddenly see things in a new light, and you realize that you've made a mistake." Kayla paused.

"Okay," said Guang Hong. 

Kayla walked down a step, toward Guang Hong. "But you can't admit your mistake to others for fear of embarrassment." She paused again.

"Sure," said Guang Hong. 

She stepped down again. "And yet you can't deny that animal magnetism, that exchange of scents. Olfaction is the sense closest to emotion and memory, and all of our planning as rational, responsible adults is nothing compared to the hurricane whirlwinds of our primal urges and the scents that they succumb to." She stepped down again, now just one step away from Guang Hong. "Why don't we go to the couch and... talk?"

"Okay," said Guang Hong. 

They walked down the stairs to the couch in the living area and sat down. 

"So," said Kayla, who had turned toward Guang Hong and was reaching out and playing with the fabric of his T-shirt near his shoulder, "Leo is waiting for me to get my cell phone charger from my car, so we don't have much time." She ran her fingers through his hair above his ear. "Do you want to do this?"

Guang Hong was really confused about what he should do, but time was short. "Okay," said Guang Hong.

Kayla leaned in and kissed Guang Hong, and they made out for about a minute before Guang Hong heard footsteps coming down the stairs. He hoped it was Leo, he really wanted to show off, so he kept making out. Kayla didn't seem to pay the footsteps any mind either. Guang Hong continued making out until he was shocked to hear Greg's voice rather than Leo's: 

"Guang Hong," said Greg, not angrily but loud enough that Guang Hong could definitely hear. "Could we talk in our room?"

* * *

"I'm sorry, I won't do it again," Guang Hong said once they were in their room. 

"Who was she?" asked Greg, calmly. 

"Kayla, a friend of Leo's. He invited her. He met her at the party last night."

Greg walked to a window and looked out into the night. "Aha. So Leo met a girl, but she likes *you* better. It'd be a pity if he found out."

Guang Hong was confused. Was he supposed to pretend Leo would care? "Uh, yes, he'd be really upset. We shouldn't tell him."

Greg turned to Guang Hong. "Look, I forgive you. We all make mistakes, and you're new to being in a relationship."

"Thank you," said Guang Hong.

Greg leaned toward Guang Hong, and they kissed. Greg paused. "Are you wearing Axe Body Spray or something?"

"Uh, yeah."

"You might want to dial it back a notch, or altogether."

"Okay," said Guang Hong. "I'll go take a shower." 

As Guang Hong walked toward their bathroom, Greg spoke. "How far was she willing to go?"

"Oh, uh, I don't know."

"You know, if you were to tell Leo that you made out with his date, it would upset him... but if you did something more with her and he caught you, it would *infuriate* him." Greg smiled in glee. "What do you think? I mean, I wouldn't want you to do anything you weren't comfortable with, but if you were going to do it anyway, you have my permission."

Guang Hong was a little startled; apparently Greg had a Machiavellian side he had never seen before. "Uh, let me take a shower first and I'll think about it."

* * *

Guang Hong stood in the shower and considered his options. 

The sensible thing to do, of course, would be to decline Greg's request to seduce Kayla, and just spend the night with Greg. 

Then again, what Greg was asking was pretty much what he wanted anyway, except that Greg wanted Leo to watch with horror, while Guang Hong wanted Leo to watch with pleasure. 

As Guang Hong formulated a plan to have Leo catch him and Kayla in the act, he struggled not to rub his pre-cum lubricated dick to the point where his plan would become pointless.

* * *

"I have a plan," Guang Hong said to Greg once he had finished his shower and was back in their room. "I'll need this room to myself for this to work, otherwise--"

"Hold on," said Greg. "Look, I don't want Leo to hate you for this. I would feel really bad if something like this destroyed your friendship. Just forget I said anything."

Guang Hong paused, stifling his disappointment the best he could. "Okay."

Greg moved toward Guang Hong and hugged him, then looked down at Guang Hong's dick, which was straining against his shorts. "Well, it looks like you're already in the mood. Maybe we should go to bed and take care of that?"

"Let me, uh, set a reminder on my phone for tomorrow," said Guang Hong.

"Oh, right, for the flight back," said Greg. 

Guang Hong took out his phone and texted Leo: "She likes Axe Body Spray ;)" Then he joined Greg in bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this chapter was pretty weird as well.


	12. Oh, The Huge Manatee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guang Hong and Leo return to Detroit, then visit a museum for an adult sleepover event.

After a day of travel and a night of rest, Leo woke up around noon, in his bed in his apartment in Detroit. He stretched, got up, and got dressed, and decided to order some pizza for lunch. He woke Guang Hong up on the couch, who had no objection to Hawaiian pizza, then placed an order. 

Around 20 minutes later, the pizza delivery guy was at the door. The order was for $23.48 including tip, and Leo was trying to find enough cash. 

"Uh, let's see, that's $18... crap, hold on a minute," Leo said to the pizza delivery guy as he searched his pockets. 

Guang Hong, in his pajamas, walked up next to Leo, and smiled as he looked over the delivery guy, who was a college-age black guy, slightly taller than Leo, and cute. "Is there any other way we can pay you?" Guang Hong asked. He then held up a ballpoint pen he got from the bed and breakfast, inserted the end of it into his mouth, then slowly sucked it as he pulled it out, keeping eye contact with the baffled delivery guy. Leo was stunned. 

"We also take credit card," the delivery guy said to Leo, ignoring Guang Hong.

Leo paid with a credit card, thanked the delivery guy, and brought the pizza inside. 

"Uh, Guang Hong," said Leo, as he opened up the pizza box and got a plate. "Did you just... did you just hint that you were going to pay for twenty three dollars and forty eight cents worth of pizza and cinnamon sticks... with a blowjob?"

Guang Hong smiled at Leo. "Maybe."

"You have *got* to reign yourself in," said Leo, half-laughing. "You can't just try to seduce a random delivery guy. You could get in trouble."

Guang Hong got his pizza, and they walked over to the couch, with Leo pushing Guang Hong's blanket to the side, then trying to find something to watch on Netflix. "Leo," said Guang Hong, "if I gave you a blowjob, would you let me sleep in your bed?"

Leo felt nervous. At some level, he felt like he didn't want to be the kind of guy who shared a bed with another guy. "Uh-- Oh, that reminds me, there's this adult sleepover at the Detroit Metropolitan Museum tonight. I was thinking we could go. I think they'll provide the sleeping bags. We'd get to wander the museum in the evening, then sleep under this gigantic inflatable manatee that they hang from the ceiling in their Hall of Oceanic Life. You want to go?"

"Sure," said Guang Hong. "Sounds like fun."

Leo continued searching Netflix as Guang Hong worked on his pizza. "Huh. There's a documentary on manatees here."

"Leo, if I sucked you off, would you give me eighteen dollars?"

"Maybe if you sucked me off eighteen times." 

"Leo, can I sleep in your bed?"

"Wouldn't Greg have a problem with that? In any case, I can get you a, I don't know, a nice futon or something. I'm sure we can make room for it out here."

"Leo, if you let me sleep in your bed, you can do _whatever_ you want with me. We don't have to use condoms."

"Okay, I am putting on the documentary about manatees." Leo was getting turned on, but he was nervous and wanted to keep a barrier between him and Guang Hong before things got out of control. 

"You can cum in my ass."

"Let's cool it, Guang Hong." 

"Okay."

* * *

A little before 8pm, Guang Hong followed Leo into the Detroit Metropolitan Museum, which functioned as both an art and science museum. It was huge, taking about 10 minutes to walk from one end to the next, and probably about a couple of hours to walk through all of its exhibit halls. Guang Hong and Leo waited in line next to a large mastadon skeleton. 

"It seems to be taking a while to check everyone in," said Leo. "There don't seem to be many people working here. I read about this pay dispute in the news that led to many of the employees here to go on strike. I wonder if that's related."

Eventually, they paid and entered the museum. First, they entered the Oceanic Hall, the centerpiece of the museum. "That is indeed a large manatee," said Leo, gawking at the gigantic inflatable manatee tethered to the ceiling. On the floor were an array of dozens of sleeping bags set up with people's names on them, for whenever people were ready to go to bed. Guang Hong and Leo checked to see if theirs was in place, and seeing that it was, decided to start wandering though the rest of the museum. 

Soon, they found themselves in the Ancient Egyptian wing. "Wow," said Leo. "Imagine a civilization lasting thousands of years, only to disappear and leave nothing but ruins. You'd have to wonder what state of mind you'd need to be in to truly take it all in." Leo then turned and entered a restroom. Guang Hong followed him.

As Guang Hong entered the restroom, he saw Leo at a window, smoking something and attempting to blow the smoke outside. Guang Hong walked up to him. "Want some?" Leo said as he offered Guang Hong a joint. Guang Hong, who had never gotten high except for that one time while petting that sheep, tried to take a hit of the joint, but choked on the smoke and coughed with tears in his eyes. 

They jumped at the sound of the door opening. A 20-something guy entered, and sniffed the air. He laughed. "Man, I wish I had what you guys have."

Leo laughed. "Just a little something to enhance the experience." Guang Hong stayed silent and smiled. 

"Hey," the guy said, "if you have anything extra, maybe we could trade? I brought this drone that I was going to fly in the Oceanic Hall later. I could let you try it."

"I do, in fact, have some edibles. Want some gummy bears?"

"Sure." 

Leo handed a couple of gummy bears to the guy. They thanked each other, and Leo finished smoking his joint before he and Guang Hong left the restroom.

Guang Hong and Leo returned to the Egyptian wing, then wandered into the Hall of Gems (Leo got fixated on some of the shinier ones), and then into a butterfly conservatory. By this point, it was increasingly clear to Guang Hong that the effects of the marijuana had a much bigger impact on Leo than on him. "Hey Guang Hong, is this a pigeon?" Leo said, over and over again while laughing. It was warm and humid in the butterfly conservatory, and Guang Hong was wondering if he could convince Leo to take off his shirt, or maybe his pants. There were so many lewd things Guang Hong wanted to say or do to Leo, but he didn't want to say or do them in front of the butterflies. 

They exited the butterfly conservatory and wandered past various dioramas depicting nature on the coast of the Great Lakes, and eventually wandered into a majestic hall filled with Greek statues. Suddenly, Leo burst out laughing. 

"What?" asked Guang Hong, chuckling. 

"Look!" Leo said as he pointed toward a statue of a couple of Greek wrestlers, both nude, one man standing and holding the other man upside down, while the upside-down man was grabbing the standing man's testicles. 

"Oh, okay," Guang Hong said and chuckled lightly. He noticed another statue down the hall depicting what must have been a pretty hot guy at the time of sculpting. "Leo, let's go down there."

"No, wait," said Leo, still laughing hard. "I want to take a photo of this." Leo took a photo with his phone. He started walking down the hall with Guang Hong, then suddenly stopped again and started laughing. "Actually, I have an idea. Could you hold the phone? I want to pose for a photo."

Guang Hong took Leo's phone and Leo walked next to the statue, trying to mimick the statue's upside-down man that was grabbing the standing man's testicles. "You know what, I think we need two people for this. Oh, and we should be naked." Leo laughed as he started stripping off his clothes. 

Guang Hong waited ten seconds or so, long enough for Leo to have taken off his shoes and shirt, before speaking. "Uh, no, thanks, I'm fine."

"C'mon, it would be funny."

Guang Hong dreamed of succumbing to some kind of temptation from Leo, but this idea was obviously crazy. "Sorry, no, we could get caught, and I don't know how we'd manage to take a photo if we're both in the picture."

Just then, a 30-something straight couple walked around a corner into the Greek statue hall. They saw Leo shirtless, raised their eyebrows, then turned and walked away. Guang Hong wondered if they had heard them. 

"Uh, okay, I see your point," said Leo. Leo paused. "Okay," he said again, listening to something. He smiled. "O. Kay."

"What are you doing?"

"This room has awesome acoustics. I want to try something." Leo started putting back on his shirt and shoes. "Go to YouTube, and look up the album 'Times of Grace' by Neurosis. There should be a playlist of tracks. It's this album where you can play it simultaneously with another album, 'Grace' by Tribes of Neurot, and then together you get the complete picture. Actually, both bands have the same members, it's just that one band represents their metal songs, while the other band focuses on dark, ambient pieces."

Guang Hong went along with Leo's idea, and they managed to simultaneously play both albums streaming from YouTube on each of their phones. Guang Hong's album was apparently this sludgy heavy metal sound. Guang Hong could barely hear the music on Leo's phone. 

"Let's try this," said Leo. "Put your phone on one end of this bench, and I'll put my phone on the other end, and then we can sit in the middle on the ground, and hear it clearly that way."

They did so, and sat next to each other while they listened to the blending of the sounds. Then Leo laid down. 

"If you lay down, you get a unique sound," said Leo. "Try it."

Guang Hong scooted forward and laid down next to Leo. He turned his head and looked at Leo.

"You don't have to just stay there. Try moving around. Let me show you." Leo turned and straddled Guang Hong before moving past him and laying down again. "Yeah, you get a much better sense of the rhythm from here."

Guang Hong and Leo lay there, on the floor in front of the bench, just taking in this weird blend of music and how the sound changed from place to place. They moved from time to time, and eventually, they were next to each other again. On a whim, Guang Hong moved and draped his arm over Leo, and put his head on Leo's chest. Guang Hong found peace and calm in this position, and happened to notice the same 30-something couple who had seen them before. The couple glanced at Guang Hong and Leo as they turned the corner to the Greek statue hall, but their glances at Guang Hong and Leo seemed more curious than judgmental.

* * *

"Are you awake?"

Guang Hong opened his eyes and squinted at the harsh lighting in the Greek statue hall. "Mmm hmm," muttered Guang Hong. He stretched with his back on the cold, hard museum floor. 

"I think we're too late to catch the show on fractals at the planetarium," said Leo, "but we could keep wandering around and see what we find. I think the high is starting to wear off, by the way."

Guang Hong stretched and made his way back to standing position, brushed off the floor dust on his shirt, and then followed Leo down the Greek statue hall. They exited it, and wandered through halls with more dioramas of animals. Eventually, they entered the Hall of Hominids, a room with wax statues of the ancestors of humans, replicas of skeletons, plaques, explanatory videos, and so forth. 

"Shh, I hear something," Leo whispered. 

Guang Hong nodded, and they walked around, looking for the source of the sound. Eventually, Guang Hong checked a corner of the room hidden from the rest, and gasped when he saw the naked ass of the 30-something man who was part of the couple that saw Leo and him earlier. He and the woman he was with were naked and fucking, though neither could see Guang Hong, who just stood there, stunned. Leo walked up to him seconds later, and burst out in a stifled laughter. 

"Nope, I'm definitely still high," giggled Leo to Guang Hong in a hushed voice. "Let's leave them alone."

* * *

After some more wandering around, it was getting near midnight and they decided to head to the Oceanic Hall, where their sleeping bags were. Well, where they were supposed to be. Though the lights were dimmed somewhat, they could see well enough that Guang Hong's bag was still in place, but someone apparently swiped Leo's bag. "Shit," said Leo. "I thought there were supposed to be enough bags. I mean, they were labeled and everything."

"We could share my sleeping bag," said Guang Hong.

"It would be too cramped," said Leo. "But I guess I don't have much choice." Leo paused. "Before I go to sleep, I want to check out those aquariums over there."

"Those are dioramas."

"Oh, right. I guess I'm still a little stoned," Leo laughed. "Let me guess, you're going to say that pterodactyl flying around above us is actually just a-- Oh, wait! That's a drone, and I'm supposed to have a chance at flying it. Let's go find the guy operating it."

They wandered around until Leo found the guy he talked to earlier in the restroom. He was sitting on his sleeping bag, operating the drone with a remote control. 

"Those gummy bear edibles you gave me were really intense," said the guy. 

Leo watched the drone, which bounced off the inflatable hull of the large manatee tethered to the ceiling. "Shit, you should watch where that thing's going."

"It's okay. It's not the first time I've hit the manatee. Or the strings holding it up. Or the ceiling. Actually, I'm surprised the drone's still flying. If you hit those things enough, then there's a risk the lithium ion battery will, um, catch fire. You want to try?"

"Sure," said Leo. The controls were more sensitive than he expected, and the drone flew from side to side above the manatee like a sick bee. 

"Careful!" said the drone operator. 

Leo jammed "up" on the controls to get the drone high enough so it wouldn't hit the manatee, but sadly, it slammed into the ceiling. Leo gasped. The drone fell like a stone, its propellers no longer functioning properly, and it punctured the manatee through its top, settling on the inside of its bottom. The giant inflatable manatee, which was the museum's prize attraction, slowly collapsed as air exited its wound. 

Leo started laughing. "Oh! The--" Leo giggled. "Oh! The Huge--" Leo laughed again. "Oh--" Leo laughed again, so much he was almost choking. Then he calmed himself down, and sighed. Leo noticed a small fire forming on the bottom of the manatee. "Oh, shit."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me break the suspense by saying the fire remains localized and no one gets injured or killed.


	13. Total Government Shutdown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leo, Guang Hong, and Greg attend a dinner party at the home of Phichit's mysterious acquaintance.

Guang Hong woke up on Leo's couch to the sound of Leo talking on his phone. It was around noon, and Guang Hong had taken a nap after returning from the museum since he hadn't slept well due to last night's excitement and the discomfort of sharing a tight sleeping bag.

"So after I made a substantial donation to them and agreed to do some ads for them, they agreed not to press charges," said Leo into his phone. "I guess it'll be a while before I can purchase enough ferrofluid to take a bath in it. It's not the first time that that's happened, by the way. They had this whole procedure already written up for how to deal with this kind of shit." Leo paused. "Look, you want to know why I tweeted a fire emoji? It's because I couldn't find a manatee emoji." Leo paused again. "No one on Twitter has any idea why I did that. You can relax. Anyway, we'll see you this evening, Phichit. And yes, you're more than welcome to crash at my apartment." 

Leo hung up and noticed that Guang Hong was looking at him. 

"Good morning, Guang Hong. Or should I say, good afternoon. Huh. I guess we better get into the habit of waking earlier if we ever want to get back to Detroit time. Anyway, Phichit called, and said he's just landed in Detroit, and that he's visiting a friend of his or something. They're having a little dinner party. You want to go? You can bring Greg if you want."

Guang Hong rubbed his eyes. "Sure, I'll go."

* * *

It was a dark and stormy night (or dusk or whenever) when Leo, Guang Hong, and Greg arrived in a taxi to the large gothic brick house where Phichit instructed them to go. Leo admired the ambiance, but had no idea why Phichit was friends with a random rich man living near Detroit. Leo walked up to the door with Guang Hong and Greg following, and Leo lifted the knocker and struck it against the door. A bald white man of around 60 or so answered the door. 

"Hello," said Leo. "Are you Bertrand? We're friends of Phichit."

"Well, hello! Come right in. Phichit and Chris are already in the dining room. My servant, Bethany, is almost finished cooking."

Leo and the others walked down to the dining room, where he saw Phichit and Chris Giacometti sitting at a table with six sets of silverware set out. "Chris!" said Leo. "What a surprise!"

Everyone introduced themselves to each other. The house was fancy enough that Leo wondered if his T-shirt and jeans were too casual, but no one else was dressed up in anything more than a button shirt.

Chris spoke. "Well, I was already in America, visiting New York, and once I heard Phichit mention that he and Guang Hong were going to be in Detroit with you, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to come by."

The table was set up with two end spots, occupied by Phichit and Bertrand, and two spots on each of the two sides of the table. Leo sat to the left, near Phichit, and Guang Hong sat next to him. Chris was across from Leo, and Greg sat across from Guang Hong. 

Chris spoke to Greg. "So Greg, how do you know Leo and Guang Hong?"

Guang Hong responded. "Greg and I are in a relationship."

"Ooh! I had no idea that you were... in a relationship," said Chris to Guang Hong, smiling. "Very interesting."

"Young love..." said Bertrand, smiling wistfully. "Nature's first green is gold, her hardest hue to hold."

Leo rolled his eyes at this old man who was quoting poetry at a dinner. Leo almost preferred that he'd be some virulently racist homophobe who just went around the table and punched everyone in the back of the head while they were eating, than someone who felt the need to emote all over everyone.

They continued chatting, and Bethany, the servant, brought the salad, the first course of the dinner, into the dining room.

"Well, dig in!" said Bertrand. "Just because murder is now technically legal, as of 5pm, doesn't mean that I'm *poisoning* you or anything like that."

Everyone chuckled, but Leo wondered. Yes, due to the total government shutdown that was in place since Trump thought the Democrats had taken his pen, murder was, for the time being, technically legal. _But who would murder me?_ thought Leo.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" asked Phichit.

"No reason," said Leo. No, Leo didn't think Phichit would murder him, but there were unanswered questions. _How did Phichit know Bertrand? Why was Phichit friends with a random wealthy man in Detroit?_ Leo took out his phone to text Phichit. 

"Ah, ah, ah, no phones at the dinner table," said Bertrand. 

Leo stared at Bertrand and put his phone back in his jeans. He then took out a pen and a scrap of paper (specifically, the receipt for the pizza they ordered the day before) , keeping them out of sight of everyone else, and wrote "Phichit - sex thing?" on it. "So, Bertrand," said Leo. "How do you and Phichit know each other?"

Phichit was about to answer for Bertrand, but Bertrand spoke first. "Oh, we're, uh, both fans of musicals. I'm a big fan of Judy Garland, while Phichit prefers more modern fare, so we have plenty to talk about. So, what music do you like, Leo? I'm always curious in what the younger generation listens to."

Leo searched his brain for the one genre of music that he liked that everyone else was guaranteed to hate. "I like opera."

"Oh, really? So do I. Do you listen to--"

"Sorry, I misspoke, I meant 'op-amps'. I like op-amps, which are used in circuit-bending. It's when you rewire the electronics of toys in order to produce weird synthy sound effects."

"Oh," said Bertrand. He sounded disappointed at the missed chance for a human-to-human connection, and Leo almost felt sorry for him. Well, okay, he did feel sorry for him. 

Chris chimed in. "Actually, I enjoy opera, and other classical music as well. I love Ravel. In fact, I've skated to Rapsodie espagnole. I also like Bach. Funnily enough, one of my favorite pieces of his, is Minuet in D minor from French Suite No. 3, which reminds me of my childhood since it's one of the themes for the Tetris Gameboy game. Sorry, I mean 'B minor', not 'D minor'. It's funny how, with certain things, you keep misremembering them over and over again, and every time you misremember it, it's like you're training yourself to misremember it again."

That reminded Leo of a fun fact about rubber, that it has a memory of the most it got stretched by in the past. "That reminds me of this thing I learned about rubber--"

"You know," interrupted Bertrand. "My brother makes these large balloons out of rubber. In fact, he designed the manatee balloon that was in the Detroit Metropolitan Museum." Leo swallowed. "Anyways, please continue."

"Sorry, I misspoke again," laughed Leo. "I meant to say 'Aruba'. What Chris said reminds me of a fact I learned about 'Aruba.'" Leo paused to try to think of one significant fact he knew about Aruba, but came up blank. "But I guess I forgot it." Everyone chuckled as Leo took a drink of water. "But at least I remembered how it's pronounced. Phichit gets on my case every time I mispronounce Phuket."

* * *

After dinner, Bertrand had given everyone a tour of his house, including the study, the conservatory, the lounge, etc. After the tour, Guang Hong and Chris decided to play billiards in the billiard room, while the others roamed elsewhere in the house. 

Chris struck the cue ball with his cue stick toward the packed triangle of billiard balls and broke it apart. "I'll take the stripes. So how long have you and Greg been together?" asked Chris.

"Not long, just a couple of weeks," said Guang Hong, looking at the pool table. 

"How old are you?"

"I'm eighteen."

Chris smiled. Then he smiled again. "Someone as young as you should not be bound too tightly to one person. Now a bed, on the other hand..."

Guang Hong looked up and laughed in confusion. "Haha, what?"

"I'm just saying it's important to get plenty of rest so you'll stay in good health." Chris aimed and hit a ball into a hole, and then a second one into a different hole. "It's nice when you can fill multiple holes, isn't it Guang Hong?" Guang Hong blushed, but Chris didn't see him since he was aiming his third ball. 

Chris missed the shot, and it was Guang Hong's turn. Chris took out the two balls he sunk as Guang Hong tried aiming the cue stick. 

"What's really nice," said Chris, "is when you date a man who's a runner, because his ass is as hard and as round as these billiard balls. Of course, the same is true of figure skaters, of which I'm sure you're aware, being one yourself."

Guang Hong was finding it hard to concentrate, doubly so since he had never played billiards in his life. "Uh, what do I do?"

"Have you ever played billiards before?"

"No."

"You want to hit the white ball with the cue stick toward one of the solid-colored ones and get one of them into a hole," said Chris. Guang Hong looked for a shot, and tried aiming his cue stick through his left hand, but had trouble figuring out how to position his hand. "Would you like me to help you hold your stick?" asked Chris.

Guang Hong swallowed. "Uh, sure."

"Stay still." Guang Hong stayed in position as Chris walked beside him. "First, form your hand like this," Chris said, putting his hand on the table next to him, "and let the cue stick go through it like this. Good, Guang Hong. Now let me help you with your other arm." Guang Hong felt Chris's hand glide from his right shoulder down to his right hand, and Chris adjusted Guang Hong's arm. "Now move your hips a little..." 

Chris gently pulled Guang Hong by his hips and positioned him. Guang Hong greatly enjoyed this and wanted to let Chris do whatever he wanted with his body, anything from soft kisses on his neck, to banging him against the pool table, to picking him up and throwing him out a window. Guang Hong was not impervious to Chris's charms; in fact, with each passing second Guang Hong felt increasingly pervious.

"Now hit the ball."

Guang Hong hit the cue ball, but it missed the ball he was aiming at. 

"Don't worry, you'll get it eventually," Chris said as he gave Guang Hong a consolatory pat on the butt. 

Chris took his shot, missed, and it was Guang Hong's turn again. 

"You know," said Chris, "if it weren't for the fact that we were in some stranger's house, we could make thing's more interesting. Have you ever played strip pool before?"

"Uh, no."

"Oh, right, you hadn't played regular pool either. Well, it's--"

Chris was interrupted by Greg, who barged in the room. "Guang Hong, can I talk to you for a minute outside?"

* * *

"Leo is missing," said Greg in a hushed voice, once he and Guang Hong were outside the billiards room. "I searched everywhere and can't find him anywhere. I'm wondering if Bertrand did something with him. That joke about murder being legal seemed pretty strange."

"Hold on," said Guang Hong, also in a hushed voice. "What happened?"

"Leo is missing! I can't find him anywhere! He's not answering his cell phone. Look, Guang Hong, I read last night that there was this serial killer, H. H. Holmes, who had this hotel where the occupants got killed. Well, doesn't this seem suspicious? Having a dinner party on the very night that a total government shutdown begins and murder becomes legal?"

Guang Hong was incredibly confused. He knew the political situation was dicey and some people were getting pretty freaked out about it, but he didn't follow American politics well enough to understand it. "Did you find Phichit? What did he say?"

"He was talking to Bertrand in the kitchen, but to be honest, I don't trust Phichit either!"

"Calm down, Greg. I know Phichit, there's no way he would..." 

Guang Hong trailed off as he thought about Phichit saying he would strangle Leo during one of their videochats. 

"Well, Chris should be okay. There's no way he would..." 

Guang Hong trailed off again as he remembered last year, when the three of them were together and trying to figure out which game to play. "Gay Chicken," said Leo, in what turned out not to be a suggestion but rather an insult toward Chris. 

"Well, of course, *I* would never..."

Guang Hong trailed off as he remembered that he was forced to stay up until 3am because Leo wrecked that giant inflatable manatee which caused everyone to freak out. Also, he was sick of sleeping on Leo's couch. Was he sure he didn't murder Leo?

Greg spoke. "The prime suspect is Bertrand. His brother designed the inflatable manatee that Leo punctured, and Leo has tweeted, quote, 'Eat the rich.'"

Guang Hong spoke. "Actually, I think what he said, was just that if the rich were eaten, they would be tasty due to their high-fat diets." Guang Hong felt so weird describing Leo's tweets out loud. "I don't think he was being serious."

"That is my recollection as well," said Chris. Greg and Guang Hong jumped at the sound of Chris speaking from the doorway. "Anyway, Greg, get a hold of yourself. There's no way Leo's going to be murdered. Tortured, maybe, who knows. Why don't we go find Phichit and ask him to help us look."

* * *

After finding Phichit by himself in a hallway, Guang Hong, Greg, Chris, and Phichit searched the house again. The last room to search was the library. 

"Do you hear that?" asked Greg. "I think I hear music."

Phichit paused. "Oh, no," he said, then sighed. "So there's this secret passageway that leads from the library, but only I can take it. Could you guys turn around for a second?"

* * *

Leo stood in Bertrand's sex dungeon next to a record player that was playing "Have A Nice Trip" by Merv Griffin. Leo was excited when he found that record in the library, and leaned on a wall near a lamp to get a better look at it, when he opened the door to a secret staircase to what turned out to be Bertrand's secret sex dungeon. The dungeon looked like a gym, and did have some weight lifting equipment, but it also had a St. Andrew's Cross and various kinds of sex swings and benches with restraints. 

Phichit entered the room, and stopped when he saw Leo. "So there you are. We've been looking for you."

"Hey, Phichit. How exactly do you know Bertrand?"

Phichit sighed. "In order to supplement my income, I responded to an ad Bertrand had placed online and agreed to pose nude for him."

"You mean, like for painting or something?"

"No, I just mean, he asks me to lift weights nude, or walk around nude, stuff like that. Also, to act as furniture, like a footstool while he's watching TV. Also, are you familiar with the practice of nantaimori or nyotaimori?"

"Yes, but tell me anyway," said Leo. Leo took out that receipt he wrote "Phichit - sex thing?" on earlier and put a check mark next to it.

"It's eating sushi off of a naked body. In any case, it's pretty lucrative work."

Leo wanted to gloat, but he knew Phichit had more than enough dirt on him to make him regret it. "We all do what we need to to get by."

"I'm glad you understand, Leo. Now let's go back upstairs and never mention what I said to you to anyone else."

"You know, you're going to turn your hamsters into pampsters."

"Leo, I never have any idea of what you're talking about."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In retrospect, this might be the dumbest sentence I've written so far:
> 
> _Guang Hong greatly enjoyed this and wanted to let Chris do whatever he wanted with his body, anything from soft kisses on his neck, to banging him against the pool table, to picking him up and throwing him out a window._


	14. Die in a Ditch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guang Hong continues to be frustrated at Leo's seeming indifference, and considers an offer by Chris and his boyfriend Matteo.

Early next morning, Guang Hong woke up to his phone ringing. He lay on the floor of Leo's bedroom on a makeshift bed of a yoga pad and several towels, since Phichit had the couch and Leo stubbornly refused to share his bed.

Guang Hong looked at his phone. It was a call from his coach Xiao Yi.

"Good morning, Guang Hong," she said in Mandarin. "How are you?"

Guang Hong stretched and cleared his throat. "I'm fine," he responded in Mandarin.

"Glad to hear that. So I had this idea for a skating routine. Have you ever seen E.T.: The Extraterrestrial?"

"Uh, no."

"Well, picture this: The routine starts, you're an alien from outer space, and you're dying in a ditch--"

"I'm not the kind of alien who would die in a ditch!"

"Well, technically, he doesn't die, so--"

"Couldn't I play a stronger, more heroic alien, someone who doesn't die in a ditch?"

Xiao Yi paused. "Well, there's Marvin the Martian, and the obelisk from 2001: A Space Odyssey, but I don't think either would work as a skating routine."

"Maybe I'll ask Leo for some ideas."

"That's not a bad idea. Let me know what he thinks. Anyway, I have to run, we can discuss things more later. Bye!"

"Bye."

Guang Hong hung up, then turned and looked at Leo, still asleep in his bed. Time was starting to weigh down on Guang Hong. Two weeks had already passed, and it was only two weeks more before Guang Hong was leaving America. Guang Hong was frustrated with Leo. When there was drama and mystery, Leo couldn't keep his hands off Guang Hong, but when things were normal, Leo barely budged. Leo was like a panda who would only mate in the right environment. Guang Hong didn't know the best way to proceed, but he figured if he was going to focus on getting Leo, maybe he should break up with Greg, since the prospect of his relationship with Greg was no longer doing much to draw Leo's attention.

Guang Hong opened the text message app on his phone and sent a message to Greg.

 **Guang Hong:** hey greg

 **Greg:** good morning gh, what's up

Guang Hong looked at the automated text suggestions:  
_Not much. You?_  
_I'm doing fine._  
_We need to talk._  
Guang Hong tapped his finger on the third option.

 **Guang Hong:** We need to talk.

 **Greg:** is everything ok?

Guang Hong considered his choices again.  
_Everything's fine._  
_It's okay._  
_I have something to tell you._  
Guang Hong selected the third option again.

 **Guang Hong:** I have something to tell you.

 **Greg:** ok...

choices:  
_It's about our relationship._  
_It's about our son._  
_I have rabies._  
Guang Hong selected the first option.

 **Guang Hong:** It's about our relationship.

 **Greg:** ok, what's the problem?

choices:  
_The spark is gone._  
_It's not you, it's me._  
_I want Leo's dick._  
Guang Hong furrowed his brow, and selected the second option.

 **Guang Hong:** It's not you, it's me.

Guang Hong waited in anticipation for a response. A minute later, he got one.

 **Greg:** could you just cut the suspense and tell me what's wrong?

choices:  
_Nothing's wrong._  
_I need some time for myself._  
_What time should I do that?_

Guang Hong chose choice #2, but his finger slipped and selected #3.

 **Guang Hong:** What time should I do that?

 **Greg:** Are you breaking up with me by suggested text replies?

 _Urk!_ Guang Hong thought. Seconds later, Greg called.

* * *

Later that morning, Guang Hong, Chris, Leo, and Phichit practiced together at the skating rink. Guang Hong and Chris finished and chatted as they unlaced their boots by the side of the rink.

"So I broke up with Greg," said Guang Hong.

"Oh?" said Chris. "How did he take it?"

"He was disappointed, but basically fine with it. He already knew I was only in America for a limited time, so it was never going to be a long-term thing." Guang Hong glanced at Leo, still skating, and looked back at Chris. "How do you get someone you like to like you back?"

Chris glanced at Leo. "You have to be careful about falling for straight boys."

"Huh?" Guang Hong said. "Oh. Um, I don't think Leo's straight."

"And how do you know that?"

Guang Hong blushed and shrugged. "Things?"

Chris sighed. "Have you tried flirting with him? Maybe something subtle, like running your fingers through your hair and brushing it back like so..." Chris did this gesture as he looked into Guang Hong's eyes with a smile, which made Guang Hong feel nice.

"Ah, well," Guang Hong said, "I don't know. Leo's so confusing."

Leo began skating over to Guang Hong and Chris.

"The language of love and pleasure," Chris said to Guang Hong, "is a tongue to be deployed delicately and deliciously in equal measure." Chris turned and yelled at Leo as he skated up. "Leo! Are you straight?"

Leo paused. "As far as how I identify, I would say that I am the alpha and the omega, though according to some stories online, I'm a beta as well. Why do you ask?"

"I was just telling Guang Hong that there are too many heteros on the skating rink. Homos need to start a revolution and seize the means of seduction."

"Okay, Chris, but first, you obviously already have the means of seduction--"

"Thank you."

"--and second, I seem to remember that you've seduced plenty of women."

"From time to time. Anyway, you never answered my question, Leo. I'm *trying* to conduct a census. If the census is not accurate, representation in sexual congress will be inadequate."

"And so you're polling the electorate," said Leo as he walked off the rink. Leo smirked. "Sounds like sexual congress is already in session."

 _Is Leo *flirting* with Chris?_ thought Guang Hong.

Chris chuckled. "Could it be bi...cameral?"

"Mmm, it's safe to say more than one chamber is loaded," Leo said, smiling at Chris and rubbing the side of his crotch.

Chris glanced at Leo's crotch. "I would imagine that thing is under the jurisdiction of the Sergeant at Arms, as it is a penal matter."

"Well," said Leo, "the Sergeant at Arms *can* compel the presence of an absent member." He paused. "Wait, no, let me try that again."

"We can discuss politics later," said Chris, "but first I need a shower. If I return to my boyfriend smelling like this I'll be spending the rest of the trip by myself, take a photo?"

Leo looked puzzled. "Do you mean 'get the picture?'"

"Right, right. I always get that mixed up. Anyway, I'll see you there."

Leo sat down to take off his skates while Guang Hong and Chris walked to the lockerroom.

"I'm sorry to say," said Chris to Guang Hong, "that Leo's definitely 100% straight. There's nothing you can do to win him over."

 _How could Chris think I'm *that* stupid?_ thought Guang Hong.

Chris continued. "When I have a lot on my mind, my boyfriend, Matteo, does a *wonderful* job of making me forget my troubles. He came with me to Detroit. You should meet him. He could give you one of his world-class massages, or more, depending on how adventurous you feel."

Guang Hong was curious, but no! He had to be laser-focused on getting Leo. He couldn't be distracted by the prospect of becoming the meat in a Guang Hong sandwich.

Chris took out his phone and showed it to Guang Hong. "Here's a photo of Matteo--"

"Okay," blurted Guang Hong.

Chris smiled. "You'd like to meet Matteo?"

"Yes."

"Of course, three's company, four's a crowd, so I don't think we'll have room for Leo."

Although Guang Hong wanted to win Leo's favor, he also was pissed at how frustrating Leo was (not to mention the fact that Leo made him sleep on the floor), so the thought of rubbing this tryst in Leo's face pleased him. "That's okay. I'll let him know."

* * *

Guang Hong bumped into Leo while heading back toward the rink.

"Hi, Leo. Oh, so, Chris invited me to visit him and his boyfriend in his hotel room."

Leo paused and stood there, expressionless. "Okay."

"Unfortunately, there's only room for three, so they, um, just invited me."

Leo remained expressionless. "That's fine. It's a free country, you can do what you want."

Guang Hong leaned in. "I bet they have nice, hard cocks," said Guang Hong, and before Leo could answer, Guang Hong walked away.

* * *

Guang Hong spent the afternoon with Chris and Matteo in their hotel room, while Leo and Phichit stayed in Leo's apartment. Around dusk, they met for dinner, with Leo driving everyone to a parking lot a short walk from the restaurant. They exited and were walking along a brief stretch of highway next to a ditch on their way to the restaurant.

"Oops, forgot to turn my phone back on," muttered Guang Hong to himself. They continued walking, and suddenly, Guang Hong stopped. "Oh my God," Guang Hong murmured. "What the hell is happening."

Everyone else stopped. Leo walked over to Guang Hong, who was looking intently at his phone. Leo looked at the screen. "Holy shit," Leo whispered.

Guang Hong had received a text from an unknown number. It contained a photo of Guang Hong, nude and bent over on his knees with his hands tied behind his back while being fingered by Matteo. Chris stood to the side. Both Chris and Matteo were in their briefs. Guang Hong was looking up toward Chris.

Underneath the photo was the text: "Guang Hong, we will expose who you are."

Guang Hong's worst nightmare was coming true, and he was furious and confused.

"Chris!" yelled Leo. "Come here!" Chris ran over. "What is this?!?"

Chris looked over the screen and was baffled. "I'm sorry, I have no idea."

"Where did the camera come from?" yelled Leo.

"I don't know," said Chris. Then he paused. "Matteo, was your Google Home hub at the point where this photo was taken?"

Matteo walked over to the phone and looked at it. "Oh, uh, maybe," he said, speaking in a Swiss accent.

"How did it take a photo?" asked Chris.

"Are you trying to blackmail Guang Hong?" yelled Leo to Matteo.

"No! I don't know what happened!" said Matteo.

Guang Hong was on the verge of tears, staring daggers into Chris.

"Okay, um," said Chris, struggling to figure out what was going on. "Oh! Matteo, could you open up the app on your phone and see if you can list all the commands issued to the device?"

"Okay," said Matteo. Chris and Matteo looked at Matteo's phone, and then Chris giggled.

"Why are you laughing?!?" yelled Guang Hong.

"So," said Chris. "It's a big misunderstanding. Um, Phichit, Leo, could you give us some privacy?" Chris waited until they were out of earshot, then continued. "So here's what happened, Guang Hong. As you remember, I was standing next to you and Matteo, giving this little spiel, the same one that I always do. I said something like, 'You like being tied up, don't you? You're in for a world of...pleasure. We'll give you more than you can handle. You won't be able to look for help on Bing.' I had said 'Bing' to mix things up, but I realized that nobody uses Bing, so I said, 'Or, okay, Google.' I then said, 'Take a photo?' but what I meant to say is, 'Get the picture?' I always get those two confused. Uh, what did I say next? Oh, yes, I told Matteo something. I said, 'Send Guang Hong a message: "We will expose who you are."'"

"What." said Guang Hong.

"You can see the commands here." Chris showed Matteo's phone to Guang Hong. "'Okay, Google. Take a photo. Send Guang Hong a message, "We will expose who you are."' So, as you can see, it was all a delightful misunderstanding."

"Go to hell," said Guang Hong.

"I'm very, very sorry," said Matteo. "I just thought the Google Home hub device would play music, I didn't think it would inadvertantly respond to commands and take photos, even if it was one of those special European prototypes which had a camera."

Chris spoke. "Guang Hong, if there's anything at all we can do to make it up to you, we can-- Wait, where are you going?"

Guang Hong climbed over the guardrail and walked down the grassy slope on the side of the road toward the ditch. Leo caught up to him just as Guang Hong was lowering himself face first into the muddy ditch, crossing his arms in front and resting his forehead on his forearms.

"Guang Hong, what's wrong?" ask Leo.

Guang Hong turned his head toward Leo. "I think I'll spend the night here."

"What did they say?"

"No one's blackmailing me. It's just that those idiots had their Google Home thing activated, and Chris accidentally told it to take a picture and send it to me."

Leo laughed. "Okay, it sounds like it was just a misunderstanding. Should we go eat dinner?"

"I give up. I think I'll just stay here."

"Guang Hong, are you okay?"

Guang Hong sighed, sat up, and faced Leo. Mud stains were all over his clothes. "Leo, how do you feel about me?"

Leo sighed. "I'm worried about you. You really seem upset. Are you mad at me?"

"Leo, we only have two weeks left. I don't want to have regrets later about the things we didn't do. I'm kind of wondering what you really want, Leo."

Leo glanced over to Phichit, Chris, and Matteo, who were standing by the side of the road, waiting. "I want you to push me."

"What?"

"Shove me. Make it look like we're fighting."

Guang Hong stood up and shoved Leo. Hard.

Leo was stunned, but laughing. "Yeah, like that. Now I'll shove you." Leo shoved Guang Hong back, who nearly slipped in the mud.

Guang Hong caught his balance, and shoved Leo again. Leo grabbed Guang Hong in a head lock, Guang Hong got free, and so on and so forth until they both fell in the mud. Guang Hong lunged to pin down Leo, who rolled and tried to pin down Guang Hong. Eventually, Guang Hong was getting tired, and rock hard, and the next time Leo managed to pin him, Guang Hong let him. Leo straddled Guang Hong while grabbing his wrists, then leaned down, his face descending toward Guang Hong's, and his lips moving toward Guang Hong's ear.

"So what did you do with Chris and Matteo?"

"Let me sleep in your bed and I'll tell you."

"Deal."

Leo kissed Guang Hong, then moved up and cleared some mud from Guang Hong's face before kissing again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my weaknesses in writing: way too many to mention  
> my strengths in writing: politically-themed sexual innuendo
> 
> I initially considered having a serious blackmail plot for Guang Hong to deal with, as a way of ratcheting up the stakes of his increasingly risky behavior, but the idea of inadvertently inducing a smart speaker to commit blackmail was too funny not to do.


	15. Lucid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning for some violence.

Leo charged toward the surface, pushing against the water with pulsating strokes from his tail. He broke through the surface, turning topsy-turvy in the air, and flopped onto the surface with glee, unleashing a big splash. He swam deeper to do it again when he noticed a gray blur in the distance. It was Guang Hong swimming toward him.

"Eheheh!" Leo clicked excitedly. "Eheheheh eheh eheheheh eh eh eheheheheh?"

"Eheh," clicked Guang Hong. "Eheheh."

"Eheheheheh eh eh eheheheheheh eheh eheheheheheheheheheh eh eh eh eh! eh eheheheh eh eheheheh eh eheh. eheheheh? eheheheheh eh eheheheheheh, eheheh-- eheheheh! Eheheh."

"Eheh."

"Eheheh eh eh eh eh eheheheh, eheheheh eheheh. Eh eheh eheheheh. Eheh? Eheheheheh, eh eheh eh eheheh eheheheheheh."

"Eheh."

"Eheheh EHEHEHEH eheh eh eh eh. Eheheheh?"

"Eh eheheh."

"Eheheheheheh eheheh eh eheheh eh eheheheheh."

"Eheheh eheheh."

Leo swam closer, nuzzling his snout against Guang Hong's, then positioning himself above him and rubbing his right flipper against Guang Hong's dorsal fin.

"Eheheh?" clicked Leo suggestively.

* * *

Leo opened his eyes. Leo was in bed, nude, with Guang Hong sleeping soundly between Leo and the wall, draping an arm over Leo. Leo slowly rotated to pick up his phone from the floor. Leo squinted as he read the time. _Only 2 A.M.?_ thought Leo. He unlocked it, and the phone opened up to the YouTube app, showing an episode of Flipper, the dolphin-based sitcom from the 60s. Leo remembered he had watched a bunch of weird things while Guang Hong had drifted off to sleep.

 _Lucid dreaming!_ Leo suddenly thought. He remembered that people claimed that they could control the dreams they had if they remembered to ask themselves in the dream if they were dreaming. Leo put his phone down and turned back into his bed. He closed his eyes, and tried to think of just one thought. _Am I dreaming? Am I dreaming?_

* * *

 _Am I dr-- wait, what the fuck is happening?_ Leo found himself at the end of an alley, chained to a chainlink fence. On the side, he saw henchmen of some sort restraining Phichit, Seung Gil Lee, and JJ Leroy from behind, with each of them bound and gagged and struggling to get free.

In the distance, Leo heard singing. _Is that 'Singing in the Rain'?_ thought Leo. He waited anxiously as the singing grew louder and louder.

Then, Leo saw the singing man walk past the end of the alley, stop, then abruptly pivot toward the alley. The man wore a top hat, dark circular glasses, and looked like a 19th century robber baron. Leo knew instantly that it was Roger Stone, dirty trickster, rat-f-worder, and associate of moral beacons like Presidents Nixon and Trump. Roger Stone continued singing as he walked into the alley, tapping his cane on the floor. "♫ I'm singin' in the rain, just singin' in the rain, what a glorious--"

Suddenly, Roger Stone lifted his cane and swung it against Phichit's head like a baseball bat.

 _Oh no, Phichit!_ thought Leo.

The henchman holding Phichit ducked behind him, and Phichit winced in pain as he got hit. Roger Stone continued singing as he walked toward Seung Gil. "--♫ feeling, I'm happy again, I'm laughin' at clouds, so--" Roger Stone swung viciously at Seung Gil and hit him, leaving him bleeding near the mouth.

 _Seung Gil!_ thought Leo. _Holy crap!_ Leo struggled and wondered if there was any chance of saving his friends. To his side, he noticed a figure crouching behind some boxes...

"♫ _dark_ up above, the sun's in my heart, and I'm ready for love." Roger Stone walked toward JJ. "♫ Let the--" Roger Stone swung and hit JJ.

 _These things happen,_ thought Leo.

"♫ stormy clouds chase, everyone from the place-- ♫" Roger Stone stopped singing and faced Leo. He sneared, then dug out a pistol from under his topcoat. He sung angrily: "♫ Come on, with, the, RAIN! ♫"

Roger Stone aimed the pistol at Leo's head and pulled the trigger.

Suddenly, Guang Hong jumped in front of Leo, seemingly from out of nowhere, and Leo heard a loud bang.

_NO!!!_

Leo saw Guang Hong fall to the ground, struggling to move, and a pool of blood forming underneath. Roger Stone seemed confused but gleeful at what happened. Leo thrashed violently, trying to rip the chainlink fence apart, or even to rip his arms out of his shoulders, but to no avail. He growled like a cornered animal as Roger Stone reloaded his pistol, knelt down, and aimed it at Guang Hong's shivering head.

* * *

"No!" Leo said as he sat up in his bed. "No! What the fuck! Christ! Crap! What the fuck! What the fucking fuck! Oh my God! Shit! Turds!"

"What?" murmured Guang Hong groggily.

"Uh, nothing, Guang Hong. Go to sleep."

"Okay."

 _What a weird dream,_ thought Leo. _Probably shouldn't have watched A Clockwork Orange so close to bedtime._ Leo's heart was beating a million miles an hour, so he knew he was going to need some help to calm himself down before returning to sleep, maybe some aromatherapy.

Leo put on some boxers and walked out of his bedroom, past Phichit sleeping on the couch, and into the kitchenette. It was about 3 A.M. Leo opened his fridge and took out some ham and cheese, and then assembled a ham sandwich. He microwaved it for half a minute. He saw Phichit stir on the couch. The microwave dinged, and Leo sniffed the scent of warm ham through his nostrils. He smiled and ate the sandwich, standing in front of the kitchen counter. He put the plate in the sink and went back to bed.

To distract his mind, Leo read about synthesizers on Wikipedia, keeping the phone positioned so the light wouldn't bother Guang Hong. Leo then put his phone away and tried again to go back to sleep. _I need a mantra,_ Leo thought. _What was it that they used to tell military commanders in ancient Roman to keep a sense of proportion? Oh, yeah. Memento homo. Memento homo. Memento homo..._

* * *

Leo stood naked in front of a large hot tub in some kind of luxurious home. Whereever he was, there was a lot of tasteful pink. He saw Guang Hong in the hot tub, who smiled as he looked at Leo.

Leo smiled. _Looks like this is going to be a nice dream,_ thought Leo.

Also in the hot tub was an old white man Leo knew to be Robert Moog, the inventor of the first commercial synthesizer. _Fuck, what is this guy doing here?_ thought Leo. _You know what, it doesn't matter, it's just a dream, he can watch if he wants._

Leo crawled over the side of the hot tub and lowered himself into the hot water. He drifted toward Guang Hong.

"Aren't you going to invent X-rays?" asked Robert Moog.

"What?" asked Leo. He was a little sick of this surreal dream bullshit.

Moog pointed toward a device with a vacuum tube and photographic film that was placed on the side of the hot tub.

"Fine," Leo said with an attitude, though he felt a little bad about acting so gripey toward an electronic music pioneer.

Leo looked at the device. He figured it was unsafe to have such high-voltage equipment so close to the edge of a hot tub. Still, he went over to it and reached his dripping wet hand out toward the device.

"No, him," said Moog, pointing toward Guang Hong.

Leo looked toward Guang Hong, who drifted over and stuck his hand in between the vacuum tube and the photographic film. Leo couldn't see the film directly, but he saw Guang Hong's eyes grow wide as he looked at it. Guang Hong then withdrew his hand, picked up the film, and showed Leo an X-ray of his hand.

"I have seen my death," said Guang Hong.

The X-ray device then leaned toward the hot tub, but Leo stopped it from falling at the last minute.

"Stop that," said Moog.

"This is my dream," said Leo. "I can do what I want."

"The electricity is good for him," said Moog.

"I know that!" said Leo, reflexively. He wasn't sure, but electricity being good for Guang Hong seemed like the kind of thing that could be true.

"The electricity is bad for _you_ , though," said Moog. "If the device falls in the water, you will die. Either way, you two will be separated. It is inevitable."

"Bullshit," said Leo. "I'm changing the rules." Leo pushed the X-ray device backwards so it fell on its side away from the hot tub. Leo heard breaking glass, and was pretty sure he had broken something. He then drifted toward Guang Hong.

"You fool," said Moog. "You'll create a polar vortex."

"I don't care," said Leo, but he was beginning to notice that the water was getting chilly. "I'm here for Guang Hong."

Moog climbed out of the hot tub and walked his naked ass toward a complex synthesizer that stood against a wall. The synthesizer had a keyboard and a wall of knobs which Leo knew to control the parameters of his dream.

Moog turned and yelled toward Leo. "I'm giving you one last chance! Say goodbye to your aunt's seagulls!"

Overhead, seagulls flew in circles over the hot tub.

"Seagulls? Why would my aunt do that?" asked Leo. "Wait, no! Stop distacting me! This is my dream and I'm sharing it with Guang Hong!"

"Separation will come sooner or later!" yelled Moog. "It is inevitable!"

Leo finally made it toward Guang Hong, and they both embraced and gripped each others' bodies. Leo looked over to Moog, who finished fiddling with the knobs, and was lowering both of his hands to play a chord on the keyboard.

A distorted "Leo", as if from a vocoder, sounded from the synthesizer. Leo held Guang Hong tight, despite the increasingly chilly water and the cawing of seagulls overhead. Moog raised and lowered his hands on the keyboard again. "Leo" sounded a second time. Moog raised and lowered his hands a third time.

* * *

"Leo!" yelled Phichit from the door.

Leo woke up to find Guang Hong still in his arms, but for real. Leo's blanket had slipped off, though, and his naked back was chilly. Early-morning daylight lit up his room, and Guang Hong was awake and nuzzling his face against Leo's chest.

Leo looked up at Phichit, who stuck his head inside the room. Leo sat up and grabbed the blanket, which had migrated toward Guang Hong's side. Guang Hong remained laying down. "Do you mind?" said Leo to Phichit. "Could you give us some privacy?"

Phichit seemed unfazed. "Sorry, but we agreed to practice this morning. Are you coming?"

"What? Oh, crap. Uh, sure, we'll be ready soon."


	16. Inappropriate Circumstances

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After skating practice, Guang Hong and Leo meet in the shower, and then they hear news about JJ.

That morning, Guang Hong, Leo, Chris, and Phichit went to the rink for skating practice. Guang Hong finished first, and had showered, dressed himself, and was putting on his shoes in the locker room of the rink when he saw Leo walk past him in a towel to the showers. Guang Hong paused, then got up and checked the rest of the locker room for people. No one else was there, so he returned to his locker and stripped off as quickly as he could, before running toward the showers in nothing but his shower shoes and a towel he carried in his hand.

Something about spending the night cuddling with Leo without having sex left Guang Hong, well, about as horny as he always felt, which is to say a lot. He didn't have sex last night because he didn't want to lose the leverage he needed to convince Leo to share his bed with him; specifically, he had agreed to tell Leo every detail about his threesome with Chris and Matteo in exchange for sharing Leo's bed, but obviously Leo wasn't going to wait for these details if he could just have sex with Guang Hong. Or something. Guang Hong didn't sleep well, and his brain was clouded with hormones, so his planning might have been substandard, but what wasn't substandard was his memory, which stored every touch of Leo's spongey butt, the curves of his sides, his pecs, his abs. Guang Hong loved the male form, and Leo was a fine example of it.

Guang Hong hung up his towel and entered the gym shower. Leo was under the spray of one of the shower heads attached to the wall. "Hey, Leo," said Guang Hong.

Leo turned from the shower head he was under. "Oh, hey, Guang Hong."

Guang Hong walked up to him. "I checked. We're alone."

"Uh, okay," said Leo, confused.

Guang Hong reached his hands around Leo's midsection and pulled him closer, away from the shower spray. Then he pressed his lips to Leo's.

Leo broke the kiss. "You're sure no one's here right now?"

"Yes. Chris and Phichit are the only other ones who might come in, and it could be a while before they're done." Guang Hong kissed Leo again, and Guang Hong and Leo French-kissed for about a minute. Then Guang Hong tried to gently pull Leo to the floor.

"What are you doing?" asked Leo.

"Let's lay on the floor," said Guang Hong.

"It's filthy."

Guang Hong sat down and laid back on the tiled floor. The floor was cool, but warm water streamed around Guang Hong's body. Guang Hong stretched his arms and legs. "Come down here, Leo," he said, smiling.

Leo looked around (not that that would make a difference, since he couldn't see much outside of the shower, and he couldn't hear anything over the shower.) Then Leo lowered himself onto Guang Hong, who wrapped his legs around Leo.

Leo and Guang Hong resumed kissing. Their chests pressed against each other. Guang Hong felt Leo's dick poke cautiously at his butt, as if Leo were trying to be careful not to take this too far. But, minute by minute, Guang Hong felt Leo's dick more and more, sometimes grinding against his crotch, but other times slipping down into his butt crack. Guang Hong kissed Leo as sensually as he could to reward his exploration, and he felt Leo's cock up against his anus. Guang Hong didn't think they could do much without lube, but he was curious just how far he could take it. Leo kept pushing and pushing.

"Ahem!"

They were both startled. Guang Hong and Leo looked to the shower entrance, where Chris was standing, nude, with his arms folded and his towel tucked under one of his arms.

"You're worse than my cats," said Chris. "I would say I need a spray bottle, but obviously that wouldn't be sufficient." He gestured toward the shower.

Leo looked at Guang Hong. "Oh, thank God you're alive!" he said. Leo turned to Chris. "It looks like my CPR worked."

Chris rolled his eyes. "Oh, come on. Do you know how brazen this is? You should be more careful."

"That's rich coming from you," said Leo, still mounted over Guang Hong to hide his erection but turning a little to face Chris. "There are bonobos less brazen than you. I mean, you've been caught on the counter, and you were bangin' on the sofa. You have done it in the shower. You were even caught on camera."

"That's only three quarters true. Wait, are you just quoting song lyrics?"

"It wasn't me."

Guang Hong sat up slightly, wrapped his arms around Leo, and kissed at Leo's neck.

"He, uh, appreciates the fact that I saved his life," said Leo.

"Whatever," said Chris. "Just make sure the janitorial staff doesn't catch you."

* * *

Guang Hong and Leo reluctantly postponed further displays of affection so they and Chris could shower and get dressed, and some time later, Guang Hong, Leo, and Chris stood by the side of the rink, waiting for Phichit.

Chris was looking at his phone when he suddenly burst out in laughter.

"What's going on?" asked Leo.

"Have you heard what's been happening with JJ?"

"No. Why, what's happened?"

"So there was this article about skating in Canada where JJ was interviewed. Apparently, JJ is quoted as saying, 'Yeah, I know Victor Nikiforov, In fact, I visited him and Yuuri Katsuki in Japan, not to mention that dog of his, Macaroon or whatever its name is. You wouldn't think a Japanese guy would be so touchy-feeling, but honestly, between Yuuri and Macaroon, I don't know which of them pawed Victor more. I can't help but laugh whenever I see that dumb motherfucker slobbering over him.'"

Guang Hong's and Leo's eyes grew wide.

"God. Damn," said Leo. "What did Yuuri say?"

"The article just got published a couple of hours ago," said Chris. "It's pretty late in Japan, so I don't think Victor or Yuuri have been asked for comment yet. It's not even clear whether JJ was talking about Yuuri or Makkachin."

"Has JJ responded yet?" asked Leo.

"He tweeted some kind of non-apology apology, saying he was sorry if people were offended by what he said. He's doing a press conference, which should be starting any minute now. Anyway, I was just laughing because of one of those 'is this a pigeon' memes I saw on Twitter. JJ's head is on the man, the butterfly is labeled dog slash person, and-- Oh, it looks like the press conference is starting."

Chris connected to a live stream of the press conference on his phone. Guang Hong, Leo, and Chris stared at the phone, and were soon joined by Phichit returning from the lockerroom.

JJ stood in front of a microphone while his fiancée Isabella stood to the side.

"Friends, members of the media, JJ Girls, I am standing here, right now, in front of you, with my hands on each side of this podium, on the surface of the planet Earth that we all share-- Oh, thank you, Isabella." JJ received some notes from Isabella. "I guess I shouldn't have tried to wing it. Hahaha. Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes. 'I stand here with the hope of clarifying some disturbing things you may have read about me recently. When I was confronted with the statement attributed to me in an article published this morning in Sporting Magazine Online, which included the words 'dumb mother-effer', I was appalled. That statement was mean, and it was hurtful. But I believed then, and I believe now, that I was not the person who uttered that statement.'"

"What?" said Chris. "He already apologized for saying it. What is he doing?"

"Shh," said Leo.

They continued listening to JJ. "'I recognize that others will find this difficult to believe. In my statement earlier this morning, I conceded that, based on the evidence presented to me at the time, the most likely explanation was that it was indeed me that called Victor's dog, quote, a 'dumb mother-effer'."

"So he *was* referring to Victor's dog," said Chris.

"Shh," said Leo.

JJ continued. "'In the minutes since I made my statement this morning, I reflected with my friends and my beautiful fiancée, Isabella, and affirmed my conclusion that I was not the person who used that hurtful language. While I did not say those words, I am not surprised by their appearance in this article. It was a different time then,' you know, a couple months ago," said JJ, ad-libbing before returning to his prepared remarks, "'but now we all have a much better understanding that it is abhorrent to use such hurtful language, even if it is about someone's dog. My belief that I did not state those words stems in part from a clear memory of other mistakes I made in this same period of my life. For instance, just last week, I did call Victor's dog a 'nincompooch'. But just as vividly as I remember that unfortunate episode, I vividly don't remember calling Victor's dog a, quote, "dumb mother-effer", because it didn't happen.' And now I'll take people's questions." JJ pointed to a reporter who had raised his hand. "Yes, you."

The reporter spoke. "You said you recently called Victor's dog a 'nincompooch'. Is this a normal thing for you, to insult people's dogs?"

"Well," said JJ. "To be honest, yes. I think I'm pretty good at it, too. I can trash-talk dogs all day. In fact..." JJ looked around to see if there were any dogs present.

"Inappropriate circumstances," said Isabella.

"Of course," said JJ.

"Wait," said Chris, "did she say 'inappropriate circumstances' or 'in appropriate circumstances'?"

"Shh!" said Leo.

"And that is all the time I have for questions," said JJ. "Thank you, and everyone, keep it JJ-Style!" JJ did the hand gesture, and left the stage.

The anchor for the news website Chris was streaming from spoke. "And there you have it. JJ admits no wrong-doing in dumbmother-effergate, although he is now admitting to a separate instance of wrongdoing, calling Victor Nikiforov's poodle a 'nincompooch'. He is now leaving the stage, and will presumably return to his mansion which he refers to as his 'Palacially-charged'-- er, I mean, his 'Palace'. Sorry, force of habit."

The stream ended, and, for a few seconds, everyone just looked at each other without saying a word.

"Well, that was weird," said Leo. "I think I am literally unable to process it. It's so absurd it just isn't registering properly."

There was silence, then Phichit spoke. "I think that--"

"I know!" said Leo. "We should do a party! Something with a big sarcastic banner, maybe just 'JJ, You Dumb Motherfucker!'"

Again, there was silence. Then Chris spoke. "I would not be opposed to a party."

"Yeah, I'm down for it," said Phichit. "Where would it be held?"

"Uh," said Leo, "my place, I guess? I mean, it's small, but we can make do."

Guang Hong figured he was five minutes away from going at it like animals with Leo once he and Leo returned home, but a party was going to complicate things. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A substantial portion of this chapter is lifted from Ralph Northam's recent press conference.


	17. Leo's Sex Machina

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leo hosts a party.

Leo gestured to the guys who were wheeling into his apartment a cart holding an array of 12 television sets stacked in rows on top of each other. He pointed them to the far wall of his currently barren apartment. Phichit stood next to him.

"So you're really going all out," said Phichit. "Seems like a lot of work just to piss off JJ."

"Huh?" said Leo. "Oh, I don't really care about JJ anymore. No, I decided on a different theme for this party. It's going to be called 'Leo's Sex Machina.'"

"I guess that explains the cardboard cutouts of gears and pistons on the walls. How many people are coming?"

Leo took a deep breath. "The guest list includes jugglers in snuggies, smugglers with puppies, a clown of renown, Bertrand, Greg's band, my friend who's a chronic masturbator, as well as her baby alligator, sword swallowing hipsters, fire-eating spinsters, and you guys."

"There are going to be puppies?" Phichit's face lit up.

"Yes, Phichit, there will be puppies."

Phichit hugged Leo.

"But I do need your help," said Leo. "Could you keep an eye on the alligator?"

"Uh, I guess. How big is it?"

"Well, two years ago it was, like, this big?" Leo gestured about two feet wide.

"Uh, okay," said Phichit as he looked around him. "Uh, Leo, do you even have enough room for everyone in your apartment? I know you took out the couch, but a lot of people are coming."

"I have everything organized. I have checklists to keep track of which checklists I need to check. I... do seem to have lost my pen, though. Do you have a pen I can borrow?"

Phichit check his pockets. "Sorry, no."

"Well, I'm sure keeping track of everything can't be *that* hard."

"Hey, Leo!" a woman yelled. The woman was at the doorway, carrying a 5 foot, 60 pound alligator in her arms.

"Oh, hey, Emily. You can put the gator down by the corner. I'll get a baby gate. It should hold her as long as she doesn't high-walk."

"Thanks, Leo," she said. "Oh, um, where's your—"

"My bathroom is right over there."

"Thanks, Leo, you're the best!"

* * *

Guang Hong laid on Leo's bed, looking at stuff on his phone, waiting patiently for the party to start, but glad that he had Leo's bedroom as a refuge away from the commotion (even if the bedroom door still refused to fully close.) Still, he was curious as to what was going on. He exited the room and bumped into Greg, who was lugging an amp.

"Oh! Um..." said Guang Hong. "Uh, hi, Greg."

"Guang Hong," said Greg, coldly. Their eyes lingered on each other.

"I'm sorry that I used suggested text replies to break up with you," said Guang Hong.

Greg put down the amp. "Yes, well, ultimately, we have to do what's best for ourselves." Greg looked around. "Uh, where are you sleeping? I don't see the couch here."

"Oh, I'm sharing Leo's bed," said Guang Hong. Greg's eyes grew wide. "Also, the couch was moved into his room."

Guang Hong walked into Leo's bedroom with Greg, who saw the couch awkwardly positioned diagonally across the room. Guang Hong did his best to close the door behind them, propping a chair against it.

Greg looked at Guang Hong. "So, do you want to talk about stuff?"

Guang Hong walked up to Greg and smiled. "Or we can do something that doesn't involve talking..."

Greg sighed. "Guang Hong, I'm not someone who can just forget the fact that we broke up."

"Oh, I see," said Guang Hong, softly. They stood in silence for a few seconds.

"I need to get things set up," said Greg, who then left the room.

* * *

Guang Hong soon exited the room, and bumped into Leo.

"Let me show you everything," Leo said. Guang Hong followed him toward the kitchenette. A tray of warm brownies were on the counter. "Now, these aren't pot brownies. After all, marijuana is forbidden by the World Anti-Doping Agency, and I certainly wouldn't want to upset them. No, these are shroom brownies, or at least they will be once I put on this special chocolate frosting." Leo pointed toward little plastic containers of carefully portioned chocolate frosting. "But that's for later."

Leo guided Guang Hong toward the 12 television sets stacked in rows on top of each other against the wall. They were all streaming different YouTube videos: nature videos, do-it-yourself home repair, skateboarding videos, anime clips, let's play videos, vloggers, etc. Leo glanced erratically from video to video.

"Get out of my mind, all of you!" Leo exclaimed to the TVs.

Guang Hong had a lot on his mind already, so he just stared blankly at Leo's latest weirdness.

"There's this movie called 'The Man Who Fell to Earth', and— nevermind, it doesn't matter. Anyway," Leo said as he guided Guang Hong to the next attraction along the wall, "this is a shark." Leo pointed to a 5-inch fish swimming in a small aquarium. "Now, it's not actually mine, so I guess you could call it a loan shark. Aha. And actually it's not actually a shark. I only found out later that some of the 'sharks' for sale are not true sharks, and that true sharks require these big tanks to house them in which would be inconvenient."

"It's nice," Guang Hong said.

Leo walked over to the corner, where the alligator was docile, laying behind a baby gate. Phichit was standing guard next to it. "This is an alligator. It belongs to a friend of mine. Oh, and there will also be puppies, and oh crap, I just realized I only bought one baby gate. Um... okay. The puppies will stay in my room, and anyone who wants to see the puppies can just enter. I'll have Chris guarding the door so the puppies don't escape."

Guang Hong realized with dread that he wasn't going to have a place to retreat to during the party.

"And then, next to the alligator, we have some brown paper packages tied up with string, because these are a few of the things that I like. Next to the gator is the band. Yeah, there's not much of a coherent theme with all this stuff, but you try throwing together a party in a few hours."

"I think it's great, Leo. People will really enjoy it."

"Thanks, I appreciate it."

* * *

An hour or so later, the apartment was packed with people, and Leo gave a toast:

"To humans, to the connections between us, and to improved relationships. I learned recently that human beings are technically a kind of animal called a deuterostome, meaning that the very first part of our body which forms during gestation is the asshole. But, just because we all start out as assholes, doesn't mean we have to stay that way. So let's get this party started!"

* * *

Greg's band was playing some soft, psychedelic-tinged music, and Guang Hong was in Leo's room with Phichit, looking at the puppies. (Chris had agreed to keep an eye on the alligator.)

"You're such a cute little boy, aren't you?" said Phichit to a puppy. He turned to another one. "Uh oh, this one's peeing on Leo's bed."

"I'm so stressed out," said Guang Hong. "I don't know anyone here, except the clown."

"He is pretty famous. I'm surprised Leo had those kinds of connections."

"And the bathroom's always in use."

"That would be Leo's friend Emily. She's, uh... nevermind. Maybe if you knock politely..."

"Why is my life so complicated, Phichit?"

Phichit picked up a puppy and turned to Guang Hong. "Personally, I think most of people's problems stem from the fact that they're not organized enough. You know the saying that you can't have your cake and eat it too?"

"Sure."

"Well, if you plan ahead, and budget properly, you can get two cakes, and then you can *have* one of them, and *eat* the other."

"What?"

"Organization is the key."

"Okay, Phichit."

"Now, there are basically three philosophies for scheduling your life. The first philosophy is that—"

"I'm not really the kind of person who plans everything down to the minute."

"Then philosophy #2 is for you. But let me start from the top—"

"Thanks, Phichit, but maybe we can discuss this tomorrow. I'm going to see who's out there."

"Okay. Nice talking with you."

* * *

Guang Hong wandered around the party, and Phichit returned to guard the alligator. Chris returned to Leo's bedroom to look after the puppies, and Guang Hong followed him.

"Hey, Chris."

"Oh, hey, Guang Hong." Chris squatted down and booped the nose of one of the puppies with his fist.

"Do you ever get overwhelmed with life?"

"Generally, no, but sometimes with personal drama, things can be especially frustrating. Oops, it looks like one of the puppies is urinating on Leo's bed."

"I just feel overwhelmed. I mean, I barely know anyone here, and I can't even have Leo's room to myself since it's filled with puppies."

"I had a dream like that once."

"I sometimes wish that I could just have a week of peace and quiet for myself."

"Are things okay with you and Leo? I mean, things between you two seemed pretty... amorous earlier today."

Guang Hong blushed. "Things are fine between us."

"Clearly."

"Leo can just be so frustrating sometimes. Just when I think I have time with him, he'll end up planning something crazy."

"You know that saying, 'You can't have your cake and eat it too'?"

"Yes."

"Well, in a threesome, you can both have your cake and eat it. No frustration."

"What?"

"You, me, and Leo. Hashtag 'Chleoji'."

Guang Hong giggled, remembering his threesome with Chris and his boyfriend, but he waved off the suggestion. "So, Phichit says the key to avoiding problems in life is to be more organized. What do you think?"

Chris sighed. "We are all guided by our passions, and that's okay. It's better to be like a tree growing out of a river, and bend with the flow, than to be like a dam that cracks and breaks completely."

"Thanks, Chris. I'll consider that."

* * *

Guang Hong left Leo's bedroom and saw Leo standing against the wall next to the bedroom, watching Greg's band set things up to play more songs. Guang Hong leaned on the wall next to Leo.

"Hey, Guang Hong," said Leo. "Having fun?"

"Yeah," said Guang Hong.

"I'd forgotten just how good Greg's songs are. It's a shame you broke up with him."

Guang Hong felt a little grumpy since he had specifically broken up with Greg to make things easier with Leo, but said nothing.

"You missed the jugglers, by the way," said Leo.

"Oh."

Leo and Guang Hong stood in silence as a woman took the mic and Greg's band (with guitar, drums, bass, keyboards, and saxophone) started to play.

"♫ Lift me, won't you lift me— ♫"

"Oh, I love this song!" said Leo.

"♫ —above the old routine... ♫"

The band played "Jazzman" by Carole King, and while Guang Hong didn't have the long-term limerence toward music that Leo did, he still felt chills down his spine at the pulsing, shimmering synths and the screaming sax. Still, Guang Hong was surprised to see tears flowing from Leo's eyes.

They followed "Jazzman" with "Somebody to Love" by Jefferson Airplane. When the song ended, Leo spoke. "Sometimes, I really believe there's going to be another Summer of Love soon, where the hatred of today will be powerless."

"Did you have one of the shroom brownies?" asked Guang Hong.

"Not yet. I'm saving that for later."

* * *

A few more songs later, the band took a break, and Leo left to wander around the party. Guang Hong walked up to Greg, who was stretching his arms while standing next to his bass, which was in its holder.

"Hey, Greg."

"Hey, Guang Hong."

"How do you write a song?"

"Uh... well... Why do you ask?"

"For example, how did you write the song you wrote me?"

Greg chuckled regretfully. "You mean the song I wrote you before you broke up with me two weeks later? Why would you want to know how to write that?"

"Uh, well, Leo really likes music, so—"

"So this is about Leo," Greg said curtly. "Okay, you want some advice. Well, here's my songwriting advice. Pick up a drumstick, any old drumstick, and jam it into his ear!"

"Greg, calm down! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you upset."

Greg took a deep breath, more for emphasis than calming down, and spoke. "Guang Hong, you can't expect to break up with me and still have me help you get closer to Leo. You *cannot* have your cake and eat it too. You have to choose, and you already did, so if you want songwriting advice, ask someone else."

* * *

Guang Hong walked away from Greg, shell-shocked, and entered Leo's bedroom. He sidestepped some puppies and flopped down on Leo's bed. "Ew," he said, as he felt the urine-soaked blanket. He sat up, and Leo entered the room, holding a couple of brownie bites with frosting on them.

"Oh, Guang Hong. You want to try one of the brownies?"

"Leo, how do you write a song?"

Leo paused. "You mean 'how do you write a *good* song?'" Leo shrugged. "I don't know. I know a little bit, and I can show you what I *do* know later on, if you want."

"I don't know. I just need to get away from here for a little while. I mean, I can't even lie down in your bed since puppies peed on it."

"Oh, I see. Well, let's take a break, and go up to the roof. It should be pretty warm tonight. What do you think?"

Guang Hong felt relief. "Sounds good," he said.

"Okay, let's go— whoops! Looks like one of the puppies escaped."

Chris, who had stood just outside the room, ran after the puppy. Phichit ran into the room.

"Leo! The alligator high-walked over the baby gate, and some of your brownies fell on the floor!"

"Uh oh, better keep the chocolate away from the puppy."

"Also, some of the fire-breathers are blowing fire toward the alligator!"

"Wait, did I invite fire-*eaters*, or fire-*breathers*? Anyway, it sounds like one hand is washing the other. How's the alligator holding up?"

"It's on the loose! Look!" Phichit stepped to the side, and Leo looked out of his room and saw a screaming crowd of people edging back toward the walls, with the alligator in the middle.

"Oh, for fuck's sake. You know, Phichit, if you were better organized, you would've had a pen, so that I would've been able to kept track of that checklist item where I was supposed to buy a taller baby gate."

"Leo, the puppy is approaching the alligator!"

"Don't worry, it'll be like this thing I heard on the news, where, for years, this little dog terrorized this saltwater crocodile until one day it— Oh. Okay, there might be a problem. Phichit, hold my brownie bites."

Guang Hong followed Leo as he exited the room and approached the opening in the crowd where the puppy and the alligator faced each other in a death match. Leo carefully watched the situation, and then Chris scooped up the puppy and Emily picked up her alligator.

Leo shrugged, then turned and yelled to everyone else. "Problem solved! The party shall recommence!"

 

Leo and Guang Hong returned to Leo's bedroom, where Phichit had waited to guard the puppies. Chris arrived to drop off the escapee, then left. Leo paused in thought. 

"All I wanted to do," said Leo, "was have an awesome party and do some shrooms. But I think the only way I'll be able to rest easy is if Emily takes her alligator home. Sometimes you can't have everything. Phichit, could you tell Emily?"

"Okay." Phichit handed the brownie bites back to Leo and left the room.

Leo looked at Guang Hong. "So maybe we can't have our cake and eat it too, but brownies are a different story. What'd you say? Want one? The dose shouldn't be too high."

* * *

The next morning, shortly after dawn, Guang Hong woke up, naked and cuddling Leo, also naked, with both of them lying on the roof of Leo's apartment building. Guang Hong squinted up at the clear blue sky.

"You awake?" asked Leo.

"Uh-huh," responded Guang Hong. Guang Hong sat up and looked around, finding nothing but Leo's acoustic guitar and a small empty plate for the brownies. "Leo, where are our clothes?"

"Don't you remember? We decided to strip them off and throw them over the side of the building." Leo sat up and stretched. "Shit. That was so relaxing last night. Pity that those mushrooms weren't actually magic mushrooms. Must've been shiitake or something. I should demand my money back from my dealer."

Leo and Guang Hong sat in silence for a couple of minutes.

"I still think that puppy could've beat that alligator," said Leo.

As time passed, the sky turned increasingly lighter shades of blue.

"Okay, I think we've waited long enough," said Leo. "One of us is going to have to run down naked to get our clothes. Feel like streaking?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's all fun and games until an alligator high-walks.


	18. How many Yuris does it take to get to Leo?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guang Hong, Leo, Phichit, and Chris encounter a surprise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is canon.

Later that morning, Guang Hong, Leo, Phichit, and Chris had returned to the rink for skating practice. Guang Hong finished first, and was in the showers by himself. He felt frustrated, because every time him and Leo had a chance to be together, they'd end up having some weird adventure instead. Even last night, when they slept naked on the roof together, Leo had fallen asleep before Guang Hong could suggest they do anything together. Thus, it had been almost two whole days since Guang Hong had gotten laid, or even jerked off. 

Guang Hong stood in the shower, under the warm spray of the water. He tried to keep his thoughts on skating, but in a moment of weakness he imagined being on his hands and knees, on the tile floor, with Leo pounding him from behind. _Oops, I'm getting hard,_ he thought. He grabbed his dick, then yanked his hand away. He remembered yesterday, being caught making out with Leo on the shower floor by Chris, and he realized that he needed to control himself. Yeah, yesterday, wrapping his legs around Leo while sticking his tongue into his mouth, his hands grasping Leo's back, and Leo's dick...

 _Okay, just this once_ , he thought, as he brought his hand to his dick. But then he realized he had a problem:

It had been so long since he had to take care of his dick himself, that he had forgotten how to masturbate. 

_This doesn't make any sense_ , he thought. _I'm probably just—_

"I like what I hear." Leo's voice sounded from the locker room, just outside of the shower. 

At first, Guang Hong was startled, then confused (since he hadn't said anything), but nonetheless happy that Leo was there. "Leo, is that you?" Guang Hong said, a bit flirtatiously. "Are you alone?" Guang Hong waited eagerly for Leo's body to appear at the shower entrance. 

Instead, what appeared was a Terminator-style robot with a metal skeleton. Guang Hong gasped. The robot turned toward Guang Hong, with beedy red eyes glaring from its eye sockets. "I wonder where Guang Hong is," the robot said in Leo's voice. 

Guang Hong stared at the robot, who stood there staring back. _Am I dreaming?_ he thought. He then realized he was still hard. _If this is a dream, I could just jerk off right now. Well, I could if I could remember how to do it. It's not like I'd offend the robot. It'd be like masturbating in front of a dog._ Guang Hong attempted to rub his dick, but kept jabbing it inadvertently with his fingers. _Why can't I do this?_ Then Guang Hong thought of something funny. 

"Could you help me, Mr. Robot?" asked Guang Hong flirtatiously. 

Just then, Leo (the actual Leo) showed up at the shower entrance, startling Guang Hong. "Oh, hey, Guang Hong. We were looking for you. There's something you have to see... although I see you've already seen one of them."

* * *

Guang Hong joined Leo, Phichit, and Chris outside of the locker room, and they walked into a room, ignoring the "No Entry" sign taped to the door. Inside the room were four more Terminator-like robots, standing still. The fifth one, which had followed Leo and Guang Hong out of the locker room, walked in and rejoined the other robots. 

Chris spoke. "So it appears that the owner of the rink got these skating robots."

"What are they for?" asked Guang Hong.

Chris shrugged. "Training? Entertainment? Practicing couple's skating? Who knows. But I've heard that they have this AI that allows them to respond to voice commands and to mimic human behavior.

"Could you help me, Mr. Robot?" said the fifth robot, flirtatiously, in Guang Hong's voice. Guang Hong blushed. 

Chris cleared his throat. "They can also mimic human voices, although I presume that their speech is not restricted to previously uttered phrases. Anyway, I—"

"Wait," said Leo. "Let me try something." Leo approached the fifth robot. "Hi robot, I'm Leo. Do you know any jokes?"

The robot responded in a stilted male computer voice that sounded like something used in a GPS app. "How many Yuris does it take to get to Leo?"

Leo scratched his head and looked at the other skaters with a confused look. "Do these robots know about that argument I had with Yuri Plisetsky? I mean, he called me a 'pretentious twat'. Calling him a 'fourteen-year-old virgin' wasn't about him 'getting to me', it was just me responding in kind, not to mention making an accurate statement."

Leo paused in thought. 

"Oh, you know what? Maybe it's talking about Yuuri Katsuki. I invited him to a hot pot once, and he said, 'Uh, no thanks.' And he said it with this attitude, you know, like he's too good for me." Leo paused. "Chris, you were there. Did you get that vibe from Yuuri Katsuki?"

"I think you're overthinking this, Leo," said Chris. 

Leo turned back to the robot. "Uh, I don't know, zero? Cause nobody can get to me?"

The robot responded. "No. The answer is 'thirty to eighty million'. A 'Yuri' is a unit of specific strength named after Yuri Artsutanov. 'LEO' stands for 'low Earth orbit'. A space elevator capable of going into space would need a cable with a specific strength of thirty to eighty million Yuris."

Leo stared blankly. "Okay. Well, unless anyone else wants to hear some more jokes, maybe we should test out these robots' ability to learn."

Leo waved his left arm in front of robot #5. The robot waved its left arm in the same way.

"Let's go to the rink, guys," said Leo. He turned to the robots and held out his hand. "Come with me if you want to skate."

* * *

Guang Hong returned to the locker room to change back into his skating equipment, while Leo, Chris, and Phichit entered the rink, followed by three of the skating robots. When each robot stepped into the rink, skating blades extended from the bottoms of their metallic feet. 

"Convenient," said Chris. 

Each of the three skaters took a robot, and they practiced skating as their robots tried to mimic everything they did. The robots learned fast, and were able to perform basic skating jumps after only a few minutes. Some time passed, and Leo was wondering where Guang Hong was. He exited the rink, instructing his robot to stay in place, and searched for Guang Hong. 

Leo looked down a hallway and was stunned by what he saw. 

Guang Hong had become a Borg. Half of his face was covered by what looked like robotic implants, including a laser which shone forward from the side of his face.

Leo ran back to the rink. "Guys! Stop skating! There's a problem with Guang Hong!"

They all ran back to the hall, and bumped into Guang Hong.

"He's so pale," said Phichit. 

Chris squinted at Guang Hong. "Eh, I think he's always been this pale."

Guang Hong spoke. "One of the robots asked me to wear this so it could record what I see and better imitate me. I can't seem to remove it though."

Leo walked up to Guang Hong and placed his hands on the implants on Guang Hong's head. "Don't move," said Leo. "Resistance is futile."

Leo struggled a little bit. Guang Hong winced in discomfort.

"Goddamn it, it's stuck," said Leo. 

"Sleep, skata," said Guang Hong. 

"What?"

"'Sleep, SKATA' is the command that releases the implants."

"Okay. 'Sleep, SKATA.'" Leo tried pulling off the implants again. "Uh, they're still stuck. I said the command, why isn't it releasing?"

"Uh, from what the screen in front of my eye says," said Guang Hong, "it has to be sent from a computer. They gave me this USB drive which has the software to send the command." Guang Hong held up a USB drive. 

Chris shrugged. "Okay, let's find a computer."

* * *

While Chris and Guang Hong tried to figure out how to remove Guang Hong's implants, and three of the robot skaters were performing jumps in the rink with Phichit, Leo talked with one of the other robots on the side of the rink. Leo was feeling the bones in his face. 

"You don't realize how weird it is to have a skull inside your head until you're talking to a metal skeleton," said Leo. "You have any idea how weird that is?"

"I'm sorry, I don't understand what your question is," responded the robot. 

"Alright, here's a question. How good are you robots at emotional intelligence?"

"All SKATA products come with an emotional processing unit."

"Like, how close should you get to someone, if you know they're just going to be gone most of the time in a couple of weeks?"

"Could you explain your situation in more detail?"

"Like, let's say you know this guy for years, and then he's staying with you for a month in your apartment—"

"Is he a friend or a romantic partner?"

"I mean, we've been friends for years—"

The robot nodded its Terminator-like skull in empathy.

"—but at the same time there's been this tension, you know? Like, maybe a sexual tension? And you've always kinda teased him, but at the same time you kinda know that he liked it? I mean, maybe it's presumptuous to assume that, but he's since made it very, very clear, right? Anyway, so one day, you're at a performance by your friend's band— You know what? Let me use names. The friend who's staying at my apartment is 'Guang Hong', and the friend who's in a band is 'Greg'. So, one day, Guang Hong and I are at a performance of Greg's band, and I suddenly see Guang Hong and Greg making out, and I feel jealous, and maybe a little turned on, too, no homo."

"You are describing a homosexual attraction," said the robot.

"Haha, what?"

"An important part of empathy is to acknowledge what the other person is saying. Am I not doing that?"

"...nevermind, let's just continue. So Guang Hong's in this relationship with this guy, Greg, and soon enough, they start having sex, but it turns out Guang Hong likes me too, and we have sex, although not anal, not yet anyway, and the three of us go to Hawaii together, and then there's this guy Kai whom Guang Hong's also sleeping with, and then there was this psychedelic sheep, and there was this girl I met who initially seemed interested in a threesome with me and Guang Hong but later got cold feet, and then I accidentally popped this museum's giant manatee balloon, and then we visited this old guy and my friends thought I might have been killed but I really just found his sex dungeon, and then Guang Hong had a threesome with Chris and his boyfriend, and I had this party with jugglers and smugglers and puppies and an alligator, and Guang Hong and I wound up naked on the roof, and now I'm here talking to some probably very expensive magical skating robot. Speaking of which, who are you and why are you here?"

The robot didn't say anything.

"Is it just me, or is your skull getting hot?" Leo said, waving his hand in front of the robot's face.

"Processing error. Information overload. Maximum CPU temperature exceeded. I'm going to lie down." The robot walked into the ice rink and laid down, face up, on the ice, with one arm draped over its forehead.

Chris and Guang Hong returned. 

"So," said Chris, "we managed to remove the implants. What's wrong with the robot?"

The robot turned on its side and vomited machine oil onto the ice. 

"Beats me," said Leo. "Let's put these robots back and go to lunch."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me in Ch1: I want to explore the subtle dynamics of an attraction that neither Leo nor Guang Hong will admit to each other.
> 
> Me in Ch18: What if there were robots?!?


	19. It's Easier For Your Digestion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Too hot!
> 
> Guang Hong pursues an opportunity to realize his dream of being a Hollywood movie star by starring in a remake of Garzey's Wing.

That evening, Guang Hong walked into Leo's room, where Leo was laying on his bed on top of his freshly cleaned sheets and blanket, looking at his phone. Guang Hong sat on the side of the bed and turned toward Leo. 

"Hey, Leo?"

"Yeah, Guang Hong?"

"I was thinking we might take a trip to Los Angeles?"

Leo looked up from his phone. "I've never been to Los Angeles, but I have strong opinions about it for some reason. Is there anything there you want to see?"

"I want to audition for a movie!"

Leo just looked at Guang Hong. "What?"

Guang Hong barged ahead with his pitch. "So they're making a live-action remake of the anime Garzey's Wing... and they're looking for an Asian actor to play the lead!" 

Leo paused, then giggled. "Do you even know how to act?"

"I can practice! I just feel like this is my chance to be a movie star, and if I don't take it now, I might not have another chance."

Leo paused again, then shrugged. "If it's what you want, then we can go there."

"Yes! Thank you, Leo. Oh, could we practice lines now?"

"Uh, okay. Do you have the lines ready?"

"Some of them. These are just lines from the anime. I'll send you the file."

Guang Hong sent Leo the dialogue. Guang Hong looked at the dialogue from his phone, while Leo looked at his laptop. "Okay," said Leo. "Where does the scene start?"

"Page twelve," said Guang Hong. "So, the scene starts with me waking up from bed in my boxers, so perhaps I should start by lying down in bed."

"Okay, you're the boss," said Leo. "I haven't seen that anime, so you'd know better than me." Leo stood up to give Guang Hong some room. Guang Hong stripped down to his boxers and laid in bed, looking at his phone. Then Guang Hong put his phone to his chest and closed his eyes. He paused. Then, suddenly, he spoke: "'Oh my God! It felt like I was having a dream!'" 

Leo jumped at Guang Hong's sudden dramatic words, and giggled a little.

Guang Hong sat up on the side, looked up toward an imaginary wind chime, then stood up. He then buckled in pain, and said, "'Ow! Ow! My body is aching!'" Guang Hong waited for Leo, who didn't do anything. "Uh, Leo? Your line?"

"Oh, right." Leo cleared his throat, looked at the dialogue, cocked his head to the side incredulously, and read the line: "'I am bruised all over my body because I had to fight naked.'" He turned back to Guang Hong.

"'Mom told me I have bruises all over my body! Is there any connection to this?'"

Leo giggled. "I'm sorry, let's stop for a second. I haven't seen the anime, but there's no way the delivery is supposed to be that loud. Maybe you could try it from the top, a little more subtle?"

Guang Hong was a little annoyed that Leo felt qualified to offer acting advice, but agreed. He walked back toward the bed and laid back down. 

"Imagine there's some delicate piano music in the background."

"Okay, Leo." Guang Hong closed his eyes, then opened them, and whispered: "'Oh my God. It felt like I was having a dream.'"

"What?" said Leo. "I can't hear you."

Frustrated, Guang Hong closed his eyes, but tried again anyway. He spoke more loudly: "'Oh my God. It felt like I was having a dream.'"

"More subtle," said Leo. 

"You know what?" said Guang Hong. "Let's try another scene. There's this scene near the beginning where I'll have to fight naked. Maybe we could try that?"

"There's going to be a nude scene?"

"Yes. I need to practice." Guang Hong took off his boxers and flung them onto the bed.

"I really don't think that's going to be part of the audition, Guang Hong."

Guang Hong stood up, and looked around. "Do you have a broom I could borrow?"

"Uh, I don't think so," said Leo. "Does the character do swordfighting or something?"

"I just need something long and hard to grab onto."

Leo smirked. 

"Your guitar, maybe?" said Guang Hong. 

"No no no," said Leo. "Maybe we can just try hand-to-hand combat. At least that should help you a little with your footwork." 

Guang Hong noticed Leo's eyes wandering over his body. 

"Like, maybe I punch like this--" Leo said as he did an exaggerated overhead punch with his left arm, "--and then you turn and flip me onto the bed. Just grab my wrist and my shoulder, and..." Guang Hong turned, but couldn't figure out how to grab Leo's arm. Things got awkward, and Guang Hong giggled as he felt Leo stumble and brace himself on Guang Hong's back, cupping his hand around Guang Hong's waist.

"You want me to flip you onto your bed?" asked Guang Hong.

"Yeah. Maybe it's easier if I jump," said Leo. 

"Wait, Leo, I--"

Leo jumped, attempting to do a flip over Guang Hong, but they both fell sideways onto Leo's bed. Leo scrambled and pinned Guang Hong, his clothed body straddling Guang Hong's naked body, and his hands pinning down Guang Hong's wrists. Guang Hong didn't fight back. They looked into each others' eyes. Guang Hong moved his hands up, drawing Leo's body closer and closer, until Leo's face was inches away from Guang Hong's. Guang Hong was getting incredibly aroused. Leo leaned down, brought his lips to Guang Hong's ear, and asked:

"What's a 'Duragaroll'? I saw it in the dialogue."

"I think it's a giant monster, a lizard or something."

Leo rose slightly, still pinning his wrists. "Should we practice more lines?" asked Leo. "Or maybe we should take care of your Duragaroll first?" Leo looked down toward Guang Hong's rock hard dick, which was pinned under Leo's crotch. 

Guang Hong _really_ wanted some release. "We can practice the lines later."

"Hold on a sec," said Leo. "Aren't you supposed to be this soldier guy in this army?"

"Um..." 

"So why don't you act like a tough guy and make me get off you?"

Guang Hong waited, but Leo just stayed there, straddled on Guang Hong. 

"I can sit here all night if I have to," said Leo. 

Guang Hong smiled and began to struggle, pushing back on Leo's arms. Guang Hong shifted back and forth, while Leo easily remained in control, until Guang Hong managed to pin one of Leo's legs, causing Leo to lose his balance and nearly fall off the bed. Guang Hong grabbed hold of Leo to keep him from falling, then they wrestled on their knees on the bed. Guang Hong managed to pin Leo to the bed and moved his knee over Leo to pin him chest-to-chest. 

"Fuck me," said Leo. 

"What?" said Guang Hong, taken aback, and not expecting Leo to want to bottom.

"I have some lube under my bed. I'm clean so we don't have to use condoms."

"Okay." Guang Hong literally jumped at the opportunity as he got up to let Leo grabbed the lube from under his bed. Leo then took off his clothes. Leo got a towel and laid it on the bed. He then laid down face-up with his feet on the bed and his legs spread apart. "Maybe you should try fingering me first?" said Leo. 

"Of course," said Guang Hong. He squeezed the goopy lube onto his index finger and started fingering Leo's hole while Leo squeezed his dick. Guang Hong prodded Leo's hole with a finger, moving slowly back and forth, careful not to go too fast. 

"Oh, yeah," said Leo quietly as looked at Guang Hong fingering him. "That's so hot."

Guang Hong moved on to two fingers, attempting to gently push past Leo's inner sphincter. 

"Yeah, that's good," said Leo. "You can go a little bit harder."

Guang Hong complied and pushed further into Leo, and out, and in again until, eventually, he had most of his first two fingers inside of Leo. 

"You want to try your dick?" asked Leo.

"Yeah," said Guang Hong. He knelt in between Leo's legs and applied lube to his dick. He once again fingered Leo's hole to make sure Leo had plenty of lube. Then, Guang Hong leaned forward to put one hand next to Leo's chest to brace himself, and used his other hand to position his dick at Leo's hole. Guang Hong started pushing. 

"Uh, you're a little too high," said Leo.

"How about now?"

"Now you're a little too low."

"Okay. Is this good?" Guang Hong felt like he was in the right place, but it felt like Leo was tightening up. 

"Yeah, but give me a minute," said Leo. "Actually, it feels like the angle's wrong. Could you maybe go lower?"

"Sure. Is this better?"

"Maybe you need to add more lube."

Guang Hong added more lube, and tried again.

"Uh, too low. Could you go higher?"

Guang Hong and Leo continued like this for twenty minutes. Guang Hong grew increasingly frustrated, not only by not being able to put his dick inside of Leo, but by Leo's constant backseat driving. 

"Maybe I should try being the top?" asked Leo. 

Guang Hong sighed. "Sure, let's do that."

Guang Hong laid down where Leo was, as Leo got between Guang Hong's legs. Guang Hong was a little pissed at Leo, but also incredibly turned on as Leo leaned forward and confidently kissed him. Guang Hong couldn't help but smile. Leo fingered him, and soon enough got his dick inside of Guang Hong without much resistance. Leo pumped into Guang Hong more and more insistently. Guang Hong closed his eyes and tilted his head back. "You're so hot, Leo," he whispered. 

"Louder," said Leo. 

Guang Hong giggled. "You're so hot, Leo!"

"More subtle."

* * *

The next day, they flew out to Los Angeles, and the day after, Guang Hong stood in front of the casting director, a man with a Bronx accent who wore sunglasses and had a goatee. Leo looked on from the side. Guang Hong looked at his script, as did a woman assisting the casting director who also held a script. 

"And... action!" said the casting director. 

"'Hey, Chris!'" said the assistant.

"'Hi!'" yelled Guang Hong. 

"'You sure look good for someone preparing for an exam.'"

"'You certainly got sexy, Miss Chelsea.'"

"Cut!" said the casting director. "That's good. Thanks."

"So, do I have the part?" asked Guang Hong excitedly.

The casting director stared at him. "Look, kid, I'm gonna level with you--"

Guang Hong suddenly felt nervous. "Was I not good enough?"

"No, no, the quality of your acting fit the part well. No, the problem was-- Well, let me put it this way. Today's moviegoing public has certain expectations about the way movie stars should act, and the bottom line is... You don't act gay enough to star in this movie."

Guang Hong was very confused. He glanced at Leo, who was also baffled. "I'm sorry, what?" said Guang Hong. 

"Our screen tests show that what audiences want most is an effeminantly gay leading man. Sorry, but that's just the way it is."

Guang Hong looked to Leo, and then to the casting director. "But I am gay."

"It doesn't matter if you sucked off ten guys earlier this morning, and twenty the day before, you just don't come across as effeminantly gay. I'm not saying you're butch, you're _certainly_ not butch, but you're not-- You know how roller coaster rides will have those signs out front that say, 'You must be this tall to ride the roller coaster?'"

"Yes."

"Well, you must be *this* gay--" The casting director jabbed his finger at a flyer for a drag show that happened to be laying on the table next to him. "--to star in this movie."

Guang Hong picked up the flyer and looked at it. The drag show was at a club called Tongue, and it was tonight. "What if I star in this drag show? Would you think I was gay enough then?"

The casting director shrugged. "Sure. If you can win a prize, I'll put you on the shortlist for the role."

Guang Hong smiled. "Thank you! I won't let you down."

"Can I see the flyer?" asked Leo. Guang Hong handed it to him, and Leo looked it over. "15 bucks for a cover charge?"

"Tightass," said the casting director. 

"Who told?" said Leo. "I mean, fine, whatever."

* * *

It was a few hours before the drag show, and Guang Hong and Leo were in a supermarket shopping for makeup. 

"Leo, I have no idea what I'm going to do!" said Guang Hong. "I've never dressed up in drag before. Do you have any ideas?"

"How about...David Bowie?" said Leo. 

"Uh, okay," said Guang Hong, confused. "Was he gay?"

"Well...it's complicated, but he did perform as a bisexual androgynous space alien. You could do that."

"Okay, whatever. What do I do?"

* * *

After stopping by a Party City for a wig and clown makeup, they arrived at the drag show. In the runway walk portion of the show, Guang Hong competently strutted his Aladdin Sane-era Bowie getup (complete with red wig and a lightning bolt on his forehead), and soon it was time for the interview portion of the drag show.

"You've had a long and varied musical career," said the interviewer, who spoke with a British accent. "Do you prefer your avant-garde tinged Berlin trilogy or your earlier glam rock albums?"

"Wait, I'm a musician?" said Guang Hong. 

The crowd erupted with laughter. Later, the prizes were announced, which were based on an anonymous ranked-choice vote from the audience, and on the strength of the connection he made with them, he won first prize.

* * *

"Keep the makeup on," said Leo after they broke their kiss. They had arrived back at their hotel room. Guang Hong was taking off his costume while Leo took off his clothes. "Oh, by the way, I managed to get some edibles. Let me know if you want one. It's what we call a drug in my world." Leo took a bite. 

"I'm so nervous," said Guang Hong. "I texted the casting director about the prize. He said he'll let me know as soon as he's made a decision. I wonder if I'll get the part."

"Don't worry about the casting director. He's just a human. Humans are just human. They come into this life filled with dreams and aspirations. They want it all. And--"

"He's calling!" said Guang Hong. "Could you answer it? I'm too nervous."

Leo took Guang Hong's phone and answered it. "Hi, I'm answering for Guang Hong Ji. Uh huh. Uh huh. Okay. Well, I'm sorry to hear that. Thanks for letting us know. Bye."

Guang Hong's heart sank.

"So here's the situation," said Leo. "Apparently the big-name director that was attached to direct the Garzey's Wing remake tweeted some racist things, groped a woman, committed an act of cannibalism, and insulted a dog, so now he's no longer going to direct the movie, and the project is in jeopardy."

"I see," said Guang Hong, disappointed. 

"Yeah, looks like movie stardom will have to wait a little while. Anyway, here's the lube." Leo handed Guang Hong the tube of lube and laid down face-first on the hotel bed. "It's really sticky when you put it on your hands."

Guang Hong applied the lube to his fingers and started fingering Leo's hole.

Leo turned and looked at Guang Hong. "How do you not know who David Bowie is?"

"I don't know, I just forgot. I don't spend nearly as much time thinking about musicians as you do."

"You are so easy-going!" said Leo angrily. 

After some time, Guang Hong stopped fingering and lubed up his dick. "I'm going to try inserting my dick, now," said Guang Hong.

"That's a clever way to use it," said Leo. 

"What?"

"Are you just a lecher?" Leo said scornfully.

"Are you still quoting lines of dialogue?"

"My sword is unbelievably dull."

Guang Hong just shook his head. Soon enough, to his delight, his dick began to slide inside Leo, and he gently pushed in and out. "This feels great, Leo. Oh, Leo, before I forgot, I want to say, thank you for coming with me to the audition. If I didn't do this, I'd just be in your apartment, wondering how things might have gone."

"I could also," said Leo, "have attended my high school class reunion."


End file.
